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The doghouse

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Original poster

Leaving them to cry at night - advice

18 replies

Doodledangle · 21/10/2023 18:47

I posted a week ago asking for advice about how to get off the sofa and back to my bed with my rescue and the advice was put her in your room - unfortunately DH point blank refuses to consider dog upstairs so I’m still on the sofa 😢

should we just go to bed and leave her to settle/cry it out? Speaking to friends this seems to be what most do after a few weeks sleeping together and all said 3 or 4 nights of pain did the job. If I could guarantee it wouldn’t traumatise her and get her sleeping alone, I’d do it in a heart beat but her bark is LOUD, we have neighbours and she clearly doesn’t like being on her own.

Once asleep she’s pretty good but is used to me gently telling her to settle and again around 5:30/6am when she stirs. She then sleeps until 7/7:15 which is great. The plan was shed sleep shut in our living room which is what we do now (albeit with me on the sofa) as this isn’t the adjoining wall and she’s safe in there plus wood floors in case of toileting. Crate is in this room but not at shutting the door stage so not an option but she will happily sleep on the sofa or in her bed on the floor moving between the two. she still doesn’t like being left in the day and barks a lot and is very excited/whines quite a lot when we come back but we have been popping in and out a lot and once was left for nearly hour and survived (unintended - we got stuck in traffic)

Do we bite the bullet and let her cry it out or is there another option? If if we do leave her initially, should I be going down once she’s settled or if she settles then wakes in the night?

HELP!

OP posts:

Roselilly36 · 21/10/2023 18:57

Don’t leave a pup/dog to cry, that’s just cruel. What did the rescue advise? Have you told them you are having issues? We always let our dog to sleep in our bedroom, with us, he settled very quickly, have you tried this? Good luck, I hope your dog settles soon., it must be hard for you all.

Roselilly36 · 21/10/2023 18:59

Eek apologies, didn’t read the post fully. Can you persuade DH? If not put him on sofa duty!

JayAlfredPrufrock · 21/10/2023 18:59

Ditch your DH. You can’t leave a rescue to cry.

Janiie · 21/10/2023 19:27

It's just a habit, if it is safe and warm a bit of crying will not harm her. You cannot go on sleeping downstairs with the dog.

What I would do is have a chat with the neighbours, see if there's a night or weekend that they are planning on being away and just leave her to cry. It isn't cruel she needs to learn to self settle and surely your relationship and wellbeing is just as important as your dog's wellbeing.

Good luck. Believe me she will cry one night and be fine afterwards, they learn very quickly.

Lougle · 21/10/2023 19:42

Don't leave her to cry. Work on being able to shut the crate door. Susan Garrett's crate games is a really good resource for that.

Pawtucketbrew · 21/10/2023 19:47

Dogs are pack animals and want to be with you. Why would you leave them alone in a crate to cry? My dog sleeps in bed with a family member. I can't imagine doing anything different.

Please don't leave your dog alone to cry.

margotrose · 21/10/2023 19:51

No, don't leave her to cry. It's cruel.

If your DH isn't happy with her in the bedroom, send him to sleep on the sofa.

Original poster

Doodledangle · 21/10/2023 19:56

@Lougle we have started briefly shutting the crate door whilst she enjoys a chew and she seems happy but she still doesn’t go there without being treat tempted. can you explain how that will help with night time sleeping or is the expectation that over x weeks we will gradually crate her and then she will settle at night in there? I’ll look up the one you recommended thanks and back to the sofa tonight whilst we work out what to do.
Neighbours are away for half term so if we’re going to leave her it needs to be this week but I’m just not convinced.

OP posts:

Janiie · 21/10/2023 19:57

Pawtucketbrew · 21/10/2023 19:47

Dogs are pack animals and want to be with you. Why would you leave them alone in a crate to cry? My dog sleeps in bed with a family member. I can't imagine doing anything different.

Please don't leave your dog alone to cry.

But many people just don't want dogs in their bed or even bedrooms at night.

Some people even have dogs sleeping outside in kennels overnight, not that I'd recommend that, but this thing that they have to be with a human all night is just not true. They need to learn to self settle and they become much more confident dogs. I mean fine if you choose to sleep with a dog but it shouldn't be seen as a necessity.

Ours cried on and off for one night only, after toilet trips she then slept absolutely fine after. Well, I say fine she has always been an early riser but the crying when alone is a very temporary thing. Don't cave in and you'll have a much more happier household.

Original poster

Doodledangle · 21/10/2023 19:57

(DH has done a couple of stints on the sofa so not completely removed from situation)

OP posts:

Janiie · 21/10/2023 19:59

'Neighbours are away for half term so if we’re going to leave her it needs to be this week but I’m just not convinced.'

Oh do it op. For your sanity and your dh's. Perfect opportunity. Honestly the breeder we got ours from aid the same, it is hard they will cry and of course if it was prolonged for days or weeks you'd need to rethink it but I guarantee it'll be one maybe 2 nights.

Lougle · 21/10/2023 20:02

Doodledangle · 21/10/2023 19:56

If you play games where she is rewarded for going into and out of her crate, then it builds up a positive association with the crate. Gradually, you'll be able to shut the door (or not....if she doesn't need containment for safety) and she'll settle. More importantly, she'll start to see it as a really nice place to go when she's tired. You'll be able to leave her because she knows she's in her really nice place.

Newpeep · 21/10/2023 20:06

Depends. Do you want a confident dog who can handle life and trust you or do you want a dog that doesn’t and therefore can show a whole host of problems as a result.

We’ve had adult rescues and a puppy. Both slept with us until secure enough to move out. Slowly. No early rising. Dogs slept until we got up. No barking or toileting. Just sleep. Amazing.

Cry it out has been debunked along with dominance. Distressed mammals don’t learn. They just panic.

Separation anxiety is one of the most complex behavioural problems to deal with. Why risk it.

Dogsandchocolaterule · 21/10/2023 20:07

I couldn't handle my girl crying.

Work on your DH. What about if the dog was in a crate in the room, so won't wander about but the dog can smell and be near you? Is your DH a against hair in the bed? Muddy paws? Noise? What is the issue?

If the dog was in a crate in your room in the corner you wouldn't have any of the issues.

Do you have a spare room?

letstrythatagain · 21/10/2023 20:09

Best thing we ever did was to let ours cry it out a little. It lasted two night and we haven't had a problem since. We did have another dog at the time so that would have made a difference I guess although they were separated.

HappiestSleeping · 21/10/2023 20:15

I was a confirmed no dogs in the bedroom person. I've had several and mostly they've never even been upstairs. I have never not allowed them, just been lucky that it was never a problem. They've all been rescues.

Current rescue is a different story though. He started sleeping downstairs, but would always come to the bedroom door and attempt entry. He didn't ever cry though.

In an odd quirk of fate we went away for an overnight trip with him. He stayed on his own bed, and was good as gold (I had previously thought he would be climbing on the bed all night). So, I put a bed in our room and he slept in there for a week or so. It has improved the relationship with him massively (obvious in hindsight). And the funny thing is, he chooses to sleep downstairs by himself a lot now.

You could try a couple of things. Either put a bed in with you and gradually move it out onto the landing, or start with it out on the landing. That way the dog is close to you, but would maybe keep your husband happy?

Oh, and on sheet change day, I do let him under the duvet, even though I said I never would 🤦‍♂️

MyGirlDaisy · 21/10/2023 20:21

Always had rescue dogs. Never left any of them to cry. Beds all over the house and doors open (apart from children’s rooms) at night. Usual pattern has been dog comes upstairs in the beginning- mix of sleeping on our bed and own bed. As time goes on and they feel more secure there has been less on our bed, mostly on own bed upstairs but especially in the summer when it’s been warm have stayed downstairs on their own. Mostly we have had sighthounds who do love a sofa or bed.Maybe we have been lucky but I can’t leave a dog to cry I’m afraid.

SeaPool · 21/10/2023 21:55

We've always had dog beds all over the house so pup can choose where to kip. Only rule was no dogs allowed on beds at night (although whilst having a morning cuppa lie in the bed became a dog cuddle pit).

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