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The doghouse

If you're worried about your pet's health, please speak to a vet or qualified professional.

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Original poster

Relationship Struggles since Puppy ?Time to Rehome

19 replies

WhackaMozzie · 17/09/2023 16:43

We have had our cocker spaniel pup for nearly 12 months now. It's been a huge learning curve, despite all my preparation and research. They've had a few health issues early on, now recovered but it added a few months of expenses & stress when we should have been focusing on training and settling them in. They have been difficult to train,I've often felt I don't have time to put into that due to our family life and work/life situation. We work from home every day between us, but it's difficult finding the time needed for training around children and work. He's clingy, and needs a lot of attention. He wakes early and doesn't like being left alone. He's nippy and growly at times. We've seen behaviourist and are getting help for these things. I'm doing my best, and am taking classes and reading and truly doing all I can to learn and give him a good life.

But DH and I have been struggling with our relationship over the last 18 months or so... and this has really suffered now that the dog has added a further drain on our time and pressure on our daily schedules and finances.

I adore the dog... and DH also admits he's part of the family now. The children love him too, and the wider family.

But I'm nervous about our relationship suffering the way it has, and whether we are giving him the life he deserves.

He's only just a year old and I'm wondering if we just stick at this, things may become more manageable. Or maybe I'm kidding myself and it's time to find a new home. I don't want to give up on him, but I also don't know if this is right for any of us anymore.

I don't really know where to begin in re-homing him either, I can't face it.

Anyone been through similar? Any advice?

OP posts:

RunningFromInsanity · 17/09/2023 16:44

I don’t think blaming the puppy for your relationship troubles is going to help solve anything

DustyLee123 · 17/09/2023 16:53

If you do rehome, ask the breeder for help, don’t just sell the poor pup on.

StBrides · 17/09/2023 16:55

I agree with the first reply.

I think this is displacement & rehoming your puppy wong save your relationship. You clearly don't want to rehome him and I think your relationship problems are bigger than your dog - focus on them.

Original poster

WhackaMozzie · 17/09/2023 17:01

Yes you are probably right there 😔 I've thought the same. I could re-home him and it may not even help. I just... don't really know how else to ease things... he's such an added pressure it seems it should help somewhat.

Ofcourse, I wouldn't sell him. I'd contact our breeder and re-home responsibly. None of this is his fault and I'd do my best for him.

I do want to keep him. It's just been so hard and alongside our personal struggles I wonder what to do for the best.

OP posts:

namestevalian · 17/09/2023 17:41

Oh god sorry but another spaniel in rescue ... look at spaniels aid and see how many others are in this predicament . And see if you can face him being another unwanted pet .

Sorry harsh but true . Kennels are full.

Invest in a therapist about your relationship and twice a week sessions with your behaviorist .

NoSquirrels · 17/09/2023 17:57

Do you and your DP fight about the dog specifically?

Newpeep · 17/09/2023 17:59

Puppies are hard! If it makes you feel better I am an agility trainer, qualified behaviourist and dog geek, previous owner of rescue with significant issues, have fostered dogs and a puppy nearly broke me! Our relationship has survived far worse so we supported each other through it but we had lots of 'WTAF have we done?' moments even though our pup was relatively easy (she is a bit of a pain as an adolescent but they go through that). They are so so needy. Ours is 12 months now and I am beginning to enjoy her and knew it would get better eventually and we are slowly beginning to see the hours and hours we put into her. We don't have children though so I can't imagine how hard that is.

Will it get better? Yes probably but you've got a dog with a really high maintenance burden potentially until 12 - 15 years old. Training and exercise will be ongoing.

I would say though that rehoming won't fix your relationship as that is often a symptom of other things. No judgement here at all. Since we got a puppy lots of people including the circles of trainers I move in have admitted they don't enjoy puppies/adolescents much but it's worth it in the end.

twistyizzy · 17/09/2023 18:05

Knew 80% that this would be a cocker spaniel before I opened the thread! They are a working breed and need breed appropriate training from Day 1. They also need a job to do.
If you give him up he will become yet another spaniel surrendered at 1 yr old because the owners didn't research the needs of the breed.
They are as demanding as newborns and are incredibly intelligent hence my comment about needing a job to do.
It is OK getting a behaviourist but you also need to look carefully at your life and whether it is suitable ie these dogs don't tend to calm down until they are much older and need to be outdoors all year round.
Highly recommend you buy The Pet Gundog by Lez Graham, if you can meet the mental needs of your dog you should find that it is calmer and less anxious.
If you chose to surrender the dog then please don't sell it to random strangers as it will most likely end up as a yo yo dog with behavioural issues.

Original poster

WhackaMozzie · 17/09/2023 18:27

Thank you @Newpeep and @ttwistyizzy for the sympathy and advice. I will look into the book... and currently have a good behaviourist supporting us and the dog. Honestly, I did research and am doing all I can to be a good dog owner and fulfill his needs. I don't want to give him up. But we are finding it hard and I guess I'm just feeling a bit low today about my relationship too... we don't fight about the dog per se... but the few snatches of quality time we had for ourselves as a couple have all but vanished since we've got him... he IS like a new baby which I expected... but the reality of that is taking its toll nearly 12 months in. I'm just tired and losing confidence.

I'll keep at it, on both fronts.

OP posts:

Janiie · 17/09/2023 18:31

At a year old it should be getting easier ime. I completely disagree with pp, of course you aren't blaming the dog for your relationship problems but if things are stressful at home for other reasons a high needs dog is adding to it.

I would rehome and just focus your attention on your family. Life is too short. I know it's harsh and people will say pay a fortune for trainers etc but sometimes it is just their temperament amd it may be better suited elsewhere, to a single adult home or something.

Newpeep · 17/09/2023 18:37

FWIW wanting to get it right makes it more stressful. After rescues with history I was handed a clean pup from a great breeder with a fantastic bloodline, bred for health and temperament. If she went wrong it was all on us! I know that's not true but the pressure is there! We've had bumps along the way but things are getting better now slowly. You have to set your sight on DOG not puppy. Mine is a 13 month old Border terrier from working (very active!) lines. She needs input else she goes self employed. She has outsmarted us on many an occasion. Different needs to spaniels but with a real drive there so not dissimilar. Like you I knew what I was getting into (taught loads) and it was still a shock.

Hang in there. No rush to decide. Do you do group classes? They can be really helpful for blowing off steam and tearing your hair out with other owners. Ours does agility with me and obedience with my husband each week. Both classes are full of dogs just like her with owners all trying to do the best for their dogs.

Newpeep · 17/09/2023 18:43

He does sound very normal for a young working type dog. I had to end my last reply as mine jumped on my head and raked her claws down my arm as a very clumsy request to play with me plz 😁A toy has been applied and she is merrily dancing around with it in her mouth.

What do you enjoy doing with him? Walking him? Training him? Try to focus on that. If recall is dicey then use a long line. Training keep short. Don't over exercise him as that can make them more manic.

I assume he is working or part working. They really do best with brainwork but the right sort. Scentwork is amazing for tiring them out. Also clicker training with freeshaping rather than traditional obedience stuff. Gun dog trainers you have to be careful with as some are still very old school but some are moving with the times. Agility is great for them too.

Buildingthefuture · 17/09/2023 18:57

Rehome where, exactly? Rescue centre are beyond full and breeders are utterly useless at ever taking a dog back. You bought a working dog. They are busy, active and full on. Surely, from your research, you knew that? He/she needs plenty of walks, lots of mental stimulation (puzzles, scent work, agility etc) This is the dog you chose and he/she is just being that dog. You could have chosen a lazy, easy breed of dog, but you didn’t. That is not the dogs fault. Both you AND your partner need to keep the promise you made to the dog when you bought him or her.

SirSniffsAlot · 17/09/2023 19:00

A one year spaniel is about as bad as a spaniel gets. You are literally right in the very worst of it right now and there is a good reason why 1-2 year old spaniels so often finds themselves being rehomed. BUT it does tend to get better and easier. By 2 years old they will be a different dog altogether.

If you think you can hang on and keep at it, you have a good chance of going on to have a dog that you fall in love with. It is hard when you are in it but as pp says, trying to 'get it right' often hurts rather than helps. It's easier said than done but if you can find the humour in the siutation and try to relax into it, while still following consistent training, it is likely to help a great deal.

BUT if you cannot, there is no shame in it - contact your breeder and rehome them back with them.However, the sooner you do this, the better the chances are for the dog.

Superwooman · 17/09/2023 19:12

In these cases I always think that a dog who no one really has time for would be better in a home that does have time for it.

Thrres usually a waiting list for cockers where I am in rural Scotland - unless you are going to ask huge sums for it.

caringcarer · 17/09/2023 19:50

WhackaMozzie · 17/09/2023 18:27

I'll keep at it, on both fronts.

DH and I love taking our 2 dogs out for a walk together in the evening. We go to the park with them and buy a hot chocolate or walk them around the lake. It's relaxing and romantic as it's just us time. Do you walk your dog together or just one of you do it on your own? If just one of you does it try doing it together. DH does it in the mornings and I sometimes give them an extra shorter walk at lunch time. Rehoming your dog won't fix your relationship. You need to invest time into training your dog to get the best out of it. Not many people would want to re-home an untrained dog at a year old. It will just be stuck in a shelter if you can find one with a space. Also this breed of dog are one of the last to be picked. Don't give up on your dog OP, work harder together on it.

Handsfullofholes · 17/09/2023 21:02

I’ve got a working cocker spaniel and the first year was hard. It is especially difficult when they have health issues, and my partner and I had a couple of blazing rows about whether a vet visit was needed or not etc.

He’s coming up to two now and he’s been brilliant for our relationship in many ways. We go out on walks together, spend time together not on phones/devices and away from work, take him on holiday and to do random activities like paddle boarding and swimming with him.

What sort of training and training classes are you doing? How long are the walks you’re taking him on and are they on lead/off lead etc? How much socialisation and play does he have with other dogs? What’s his breeding, pet or working lines?

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 18/09/2023 08:09

I knew this would be about a spaniel 🙈

I agree with the poster who said that re-homing the puppy won't fix your marriage.

rosesarered94 · 18/09/2023 08:24

We were in the same position as you. We got a working cocker spaniel last year but 4 weeks later found out I was pregnant with my second child. Everything was fine until our baby was born and it became much too difficult. They are a wonderful breed but also a lot of work. As a result our dog was not getting the time he needed and as painful as it was the strain on our relationship and family became too much so in the end he went to a friend of ours who owns another spaniel and he is absolutely thriving now. Please, please do not feel like you will be failing him if you decide to re-home, at the end of the day you cannot let your relationship/family life fall apart because of the dog (if that is adding to the strain) and there is absolutely no shame in acknowledging that you're struggling to cope with him.

At the end of the day you need to make the right decision not only for you but for your dog. Good luck x

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