I don't mean to sound harsh but your dog is behaving exactly like a dog.
Caring when you are sad.
This is perhaps a bugbear of mine, but this myth that dogs are something they not does them a great disservice. He's a dog. Those dogs that appear to care when their owners are sad are - generally - just distressed by unusual behaviour from them. Your dog sounds more confident than that, which is a good thing.
Putting himself first
Of course! He's a dog. Dogs are, by nature competitive animals. They are programmed to put themselves first. Occasionally an individual comes along that doesn't because nature provides variation among species. But generally, they are out for themselves. If you want a more collaborative animal, you need a wolf - but that comes with it's own problems 😂
Taking against random small children
Children behave very differently to adults and the chances are high that a dog doesn't even equate them as the same species as us. As a species a dog's instinct is to only really like and accept those individuals he grew up with - which is how they make great guardian animals for sheep etc. If he's not used to small children, or to those small children in particular, they will be very strange and scary to him. As they are to many dogs who don't grow up around them, and quite a few who do.
Hogs the bed
When dogs share bed, it is often he who huffs and lumps about the most that gets the most space 😂
Licks his bits
Of course! He doesn't have hands to use a flannel. How else is he to keep it clean?
In short, you are very free not to like him sometimes, but don't dislike him because you don't think he is very dogly. He is absolutely 100% behaving exactly like a dog 😀