Sharing a dog with ex DP - how does it work for you?

Dogdaysagain · 2023-09-02T13:45:52+00:00

Just looking for experiences. DP and I are in early discussions about splitting up and I'm already worried about what to do about our dog. We both love him very much and he loves us both. At the moment we live together and mainly split caring for him on days the other has to go to the office, using a dog walker for other occasional days. Does anyone have a dog they share with an ex? How does it work? Is it ok to have a dog that lives across two homes? Dog is really easy going and gets on fine when out and about and staying in other places so not so concerned if he lives in both homes. Or should I be? Apart from obviously loving the dog to bits I am worried about the expense and practicalities should dog stay with me full time. I'm already scared about being lonely and skint. I don't want to be confined to home and parks, unable to see friends in the city because I won't leave the dog alone more than four hours or so. Any experience welcome please. 😢 (We don't have children, the dog is the closest we have!) Thank you

ScattyHattie · 02/09/2023 16:22

I met a guy (no kids) who dog shared with the ex and seemed to work out well for them as their relationship drifted and were still friends, he mainly had the dog over weekends. Also met family that dog shared with the grandparents so would split time between both homes. For the dog it's not so different to going to a home boarder but easier to adapt as already with someone they trust.

I think lot would depend on if you want to continue having ex in your life and if you both share similar outlook on care, training, safety so can trust ex to do as you would in any situation. If any hint of manipulative behaviour in the relationship avoid as can easily be used as form of control or to cause hurt by refusing to give dog back etc. Will ex have housing that will allow pets or is he thinking more of popping by to walk dog when mood suits which maybe more disruptive and of less benefit to you.
I agreed to ex taking the dogs out for walks as they were big part of our lives together for many years but turns out he had no interest in them once new partner came along, I guess if she'd been into dogs he probably would've fell over himself to appear involved.

Pleaseme · 02/09/2023 16:31

I share a dog with ex but we also have dc. Dog tends to go with children unless specific non-dog plans. She’s a friendly Labrador and likes to be with the children, they are probably more fun and sneak her a lot of treats. I take care of vaccinations/ flea treatment/ worming.

Kaleidoscope93 · 02/09/2023 18:58

I shared a dog with my ex, (no DC) it worked for around a year as we were still friends and then when he got a new partner, things started to go downhill. She wasn't keen on us being friendly and it ended up with arguments and massive stress for me as he would change the terms of when I could have her.

In the end it all came to a head and due to his new living arrangements he couldn't have her anymore, so thankfully I ended up with the dog! I think initially it works but when other people get involved that's when the issues start. Good luck and I hope it all works out

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 03/09/2023 07:49

The main issue is really that you're signing up to dealing with your ex on a regular basis for the rest of the dogs' life.

It may work initially but long-term you're both going to get new partners or move house and that's when it gets complicated. Personally I would prefer a clean slate and would rather take the dog full-time even if it cost me extra.

Original poster

Dogdaysagain · 03/09/2023 09:53

Thank you for your thoughts. I currently feel so done with everything I hadn't even really considered I might ever meet someone else!

I wonder if DDog would be better living with DP. He doesn't really go out or have much of a social life whereas the opposite is true with me.
I honestly don't know how I would still keep up my hobbies and interests with looking after a dog full time. If I meet a friend to go to the theatre I might be out six hours in total with travel time etc. Do people just either leave their dogs alone or pay for a walker?

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andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 03/09/2023 10:04

You'd have to pay for someone to come and walk the dog.

I would look at doing what's best for the dog - if your ex is around more and would genuinely care for him well then it may be best that he moves with him.

But saying that, there's nothing wrong with using a walker or daycare, you just need to be prepared for the expense and have a back-up in place for evenings or weekends when those kinds of services aren't really available.

ilovesushi · 03/09/2023 23:37

When my DH split with his ex partner they had a young dog. After the split, his ex became the main carer for the dog, but we had her frequently for walks, overnights and holidays, and sometimes for extended periods (up to 6 months) when the ex travelled to see family abroad. It was all very amicable and worked well because we were all easy going about it and all in love with the dog! We were always delighted to have her and I secretly hoped she'd become ours full time but it never happened. DH's ex brought the dog to see us before shortly before she died at age 18!!!! She was probably the most doted on dog ever.

CallieQ · 04/09/2023 00:29

Worked very well for me and ex DH until we sadly had to have our dog pts in April 😟

Littlepinkstarsbyradish · 04/09/2023 00:34

I do this! We pay a dogwalker 2 days a week and she picks up from mine, drops to his (and vice versa the next time)
we can go weeks with no contact if we want (was important when break up was raw) but we text a lot about the dog and we split all bills

I’ll be honest, it’s the best! Built in dog care for emergencies and holidays, plus time “off” from dog responsibilities
if your ex and you are both reasonable people then it can actually be great

only issue I can foresee in future is if either of us move away, but right now that’s not happening

Duckingella · 04/09/2023 01:04

Maybe be brave and leave the dog with the ex if it's the best place for the dog,say goodbye to both and move on;sounds like a cat would be better suited to your lifestyle.

ToBrieOrNotToBrieThatIsTheQuestion · 04/09/2023 01:49

Is it ok to have a dog that lives across two homes?

I'm only going to comment on this issue - but for a time changes to work travel commitments meant I was effectively sharing ddog with my DF.

The dog was entirely unconcerned about this as he adores my DF.

The only tricky bit came with the fact that DF was and is unwilling to be consistent in terms of training. This was not helpful when dealing with a neurotic rescue adolescent and it was all a bit two steps forward one step back with his training for a while.

If you and DP are on the same page, or if your ddog's training is very well established, this shouldn't be an issue.

Original poster

Dogdaysagain · 04/09/2023 09:21

ilovesushi · 03/09/2023 23:37

When my DH split with his ex partner they had a young dog. After the split, his ex became the main carer for the dog, but we had her frequently for walks, overnights and holidays, and sometimes for extended periods (up to 6 months) when the ex travelled to see family abroad. It was all very amicable and worked well because we were all easy going about it and all in love with the dog! We were always delighted to have her and I secretly hoped she'd become ours full time but it never happened. DH's ex brought the dog to see us before shortly before she died at age 18!!!! She was probably the most doted on dog ever.

This is lovely to hear, thank you!

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Original poster

Dogdaysagain · 04/09/2023 09:21

CallieQ · 04/09/2023 00:29

Worked very well for me and ex DH until we sadly had to have our dog pts in April 😟

I'm so sorry for your loss xx

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Original poster

Dogdaysagain · 04/09/2023 09:21

Duckingella · 04/09/2023 01:04

Maybe be brave and leave the dog with the ex if it's the best place for the dog,say goodbye to both and move on;sounds like a cat would be better suited to your lifestyle.

I think he'd struggle on his own too...

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Original poster

Dogdaysagain · 04/09/2023 09:22

Littlepinkstarsbyradish · 04/09/2023 00:34

I do this! We pay a dogwalker 2 days a week and she picks up from mine, drops to his (and vice versa the next time)
we can go weeks with no contact if we want (was important when break up was raw) but we text a lot about the dog and we split all bills

I’ll be honest, it’s the best! Built in dog care for emergencies and holidays, plus time “off” from dog responsibilities
if your ex and you are both reasonable people then it can actually be great

only issue I can foresee in future is if either of us move away, but right now that’s not happening

Thank you. Unfortunately if he moves I expect it'll be 45/60 mins away at least but I don't think it's undoable

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Original poster

Dogdaysagain · 04/09/2023 09:23

ToBrieOrNotToBrieThatIsTheQuestion · 04/09/2023 01:49

Is it ok to have a dog that lives across two homes?

I'm only going to comment on this issue - but for a time changes to work travel commitments meant I was effectively sharing ddog with my DF.

The dog was entirely unconcerned about this as he adores my DF.

The only tricky bit came with the fact that DF was and is unwilling to be consistent in terms of training. This was not helpful when dealing with a neurotic rescue adolescent and it was all a bit two steps forward one step back with his training for a while.

If you and DP are on the same page, or if your ddog's training is very well established, this shouldn't be an issue.

Thankfully we're on the same page re training etc!

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