Puppy, kids and husband left me

[Chipsngreevey]

My cavapoo puppy is 11 weeks old and is happy, full of energy and in to everything! He is a lovely ball of fun, but I am finding things extremely difficult on my own. The children are 7 and 5 so not very very young but difficult enough.

We had planned to get a puppy for a long time after being on a waiting list, paid the deposit for him soon after he was born and had him 3 weeks ago. My husband left me 5 weeks ago after a huge argument when things came to light regarding some of his behaviour. It was unexpected. I decided to go ahead and get our puppy as we had involved the children in the process of getting him and after dealing with the separation, I couldn't cancel our puppy too.

I work from home and would have been mostly responsible for him during the day time so it seemed reasonable to continue getting him. I am however finding evenings a nightmare! He is toileting on the house much more around meal times, the children are picking him up and he's getting very hyper when they get home from school and nipping them. I am struggling to cook meals and clear up. He has so many chew toys/ puzzle toys but is seemingly only interested in chewing forbidden items!

He is in the process of crate training which I'm using for short periods during the day when I'm on school runs and during short, important meetings, but I'm trying to keep him entertained whilst working much of the time. I am reluctant to use the crate too much as it feels mean, I can't let him out into the garden alone as he's eating all my plants 🤦‍♀️.

Then if I leave him with the children, he's nipping them and chewing furniture.

What do I do? I have wondered whether to start using puppy pads (although I was hoping not to) to ease the number of accidents and toilet visits to the garden. It feels like I'm taking him out every 10 minutes! I feel bad expecting my eldest child to see to his repeated toilet breaks whilst I'm cooking/washing up when she's trying to relax with her tablet after school. She is already helping with early morning toilet visits and feeding. My youngest daughter seems to want to carry him around persistently which is a little stressful.

I am also doing toilet visits during the night and I am exhausted- it's like having a baby again. I just keep thinking how much easier it would have been had my husband been here still.

Their father is around but as he's staying with friends temporarily, the children are only staying over night once a week. He came over one night last week to help with the puppy and to give me a break. He is happy to help out practically. The children are seeing him a couple of times a week after school too.

How do I make my life easier without creating bad habits for life? I am leaving him crying in his crate for 20 minutes or so at bedtime but he settles eventually. I just don't see any other way around it. I'm hoping not to share my bed with him, but maybe it would help? My ex has had the audacity to tell me not to create any bad habits and stick to the crate training, despite it all being on me!

I've read easy peasy puppy squeazy which has helped a lot, but the tips sometimes aren't working in reality.
Can anyone help with advice on how to make life easier? I'm very stressed and starting to take it out on the children.

You’re doing an awful lot of work and I just wanted to say well done! DP and I have a cavapoo puppy who is now 9 months old and it was HARD work (with two of us and no kids!).

It does get easier. We made sure his crate was in a room away from us, with a blanket over it. We put him in it for a few naps a day. At that age, they should be sleeping for 18+ hours a day. We made sure to only do bursts of 10 mins or so of play at a time but mostly made it training related play. This meant that he learned to settle as we WFH.

We’ve now had him for 7 months and he sleeps pretty much all day, by our side whilst we work (we ended up ditching the crate for day time naps when he learned to just settle without wanting constant attention). At that age we took him out for a pee every 30 mins or so but always after playing, eating or sleeping.

My advice would be don’t overstimulate him otherwise he will grow to expect constant stimulation. Make sure he’s mentally stimulated too ie with licky mats or a kong for example. Make sure he’s getting plenty sleep. Good luck, it is worth it!

Also, we let our pup sleep in our bed from around 8 months. It’s something we said we would never do but omg it has improved his behaviour massively. I’d advise sticking with the crate for now though, so that he naps in it during the day. But once you can trust him to just settle while you WFH and not destroy things, I would probably ditch the crate and enjoy the cuddles in bed!

Okay, so you have a lot going on here and realistically I think you need to decide whether or not you really have the time and energy to devote to raising a puppy right now.

That's not meant as a criticism as I know your heart was in the right place by continuing with the purchase, but going it alone with two small children is very different to raising a puppy with the full support of an another adult.

If you do decide to persevere then I think you need to be realistic about how hectic things will be for the next couple of years. Then formulate a plan - be realistic with the amount of time and money you have available and look at what's most important to you in terms of training.

Personally I would focus on toilet training (which means no puppy pads and regular trips outside), crate training, socialisation and managing your DC's behaviour around the dog.

It will be hectic for a fair amount of time - I'm not saying that to be harsh but more to be realistic - but if you put the work in then you will hopefully end up with a wonderful family dog. But it will take time and perseverance and repetition and lots of tears!

I agree with everything @coffeecupsandwaxmelts has said.
Toilet training and DC training. Read them the riot act about picking up the puppy. They need leaving alone for a lot of time as puppies, they need so much rest.

I would say if your relationship with your Husband is irretrievably broken down I would ask the breeders to take the pup back .
Unless you can come to an arrangement where he lives in the house for several months , to help you raise the puppy , but may confuse the kids .

Whilst many people hate puppy pads, I have used them, my puppy always peed or pooped in the same spot, so a puppy pad just helped with the inevitable clean up, I still took him out, looked for signs, and the accidents got less and less, we took the pads up when hit 15 weeks and whilst he does still have the odd pee it is now rare and he is 18 weeks old hasn't pooped indoors for weeks.

Good luck, puppies do learn quickly and everything is a phase which they tend to grow out of quite quickly although it feels like forever whilst it's happening.

We were the same. I found puppy pads invaluable at first as if there was an accident itcwas on the pad and easy to clean. Still took him outside often and he was toilet trained really quickly. Just meant for those initial few days it was a lot easier.

Hang on in there. It seems absolutely manic in those first puppy weeks but it does get better very quickly. I found local puppy training classes very good for socialisation and recall

"I feel bad expecting my eldest child to see to his repeated toilet breaks whilst I'm cooking/washing up when she's trying to relax with her tablet after school."

Nope. She may be 7, but she is old enough to know that is she wants a dog, she can do some of the crap that comes with it! At 7 I had my own dog and I didn't get much in the way of help! It's far better for her than a tablet and it is only for an hour or so. Beautiful weather - she can play in the garden with him.

You say it's like having a baby again, but it IS effectively having a baby again! I warned my DD at ten when she desperately wanted a pup that the first few months are pretty crap really, and they are. It will get better, you are doing well and this stage won't last long. However you do need to come down on the youngest picking him up - he isn't a toy, he is a dog and this is a good way to turn him into an anxious snappy one.

So sorry things have been crap for you.

And tbh I'd put his crate in your bedroom if it helps overnight.

I would echo the PP. You have so much on your plate I would give the puppy back to the breeder and let them find the right home for them, and revisit dog ownership when things are better for you. Puppies are really hard work for at least a year.

Your littlest needs to stop carrying him about. He’ll be bitey and she’ll get upset and they don’t actually like to be carried much.

agree with pp that your seven year old can help and how is a puppy NOT better than a tablet!

Now is the time to think really carefully about whether you have the time and energy to have a dog. One of my single friend's has a lockdown dog with high anxiety that is (in my private opinion) very poorly trained. I avoid going to her house because of it (jumps up and scratches, nippy etc and just generally a nuisance when we are trying to chat) and the dog can't be left alone so she has the cost of arranging doggy care every time she wants to do anything so it has restricted her life post-divorce as she often turns invitations down and can't be sponteaneous.

She does share it with her ex but that is actually worse as he will let her down last minute etc and is another tie to him that she doesn't need - he will simply not collect it if he has decided to go away/or work from the office. So I think anything you decide, you have to be able to continue without your ex's input.

Good luck to you and I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this, it sounds really hard and like you are trying to do the right thing by everyone. But knowing how much you can cope with is an important part of self-care.

Do you want a dog because they're not puppies for very long. If you do then stick with it if you can and accept it's going to be a rough ride but will be worth it. After 6 months it gets much easier in the house but you still will have issues with leaving them for any length of time.

Take pup to bed with you - put the crate beside your bed. Guaranteed great sleep for everyone that way. Forced separation young can and does lead to problems down the line. There really is no need to let them cry and can be neurologically damaging (increased fear issues and behavioural issues)

You might find a dog playpen with the crate inside it easier. Pup will be safe and have room to play.