Anxious/reactive puppy?

[AnxDog]

Just looking for advice from anybody who has been in a similar boat or knows a lot more about this than I do! Also apologies for any terms etc i get wrong i am very new to this type of behaviour so my limited information is coming from google!
I have owned a dog previously but had absolutely no issues like this before. I have a 5 month old puppy who from day 1 is clearly very anxious about nearly everything, she doesn't like going out for walks and hides when you get the harness out, she is petrified of the car and is regularly car sick, she is scared of loud noises etc.

I did my very best to socialise her, particularly with people, i had friends over regularly and carried her on short walks in my village to my DC's school so she heard traffic, saw plenty of people etc. Unfortunately i don't have any other friends with dogs who like other dogs but we encounter many on walks and we attended some puppy meet ups to socialise her. At first she was just scared of all other dogs and tried to hide away or get away if on lead, so i haven't forced interactions and if she ever did show interest in saying hello to a dog on a walk I'd let her have a quick sniff to say hello and move on. We then attended puppy socialisation classes when she was just about 4 months old, she walked in and started barking at all the dogs and since then she now barks/reacts to all dogs when out on a walk.

I have spoken to the trainer from our socialisation classes and from what i've gotten from google and attempted the disengage approach with treats and we do manage to have some successful walks where she doesn't bark, but also some unsuccessful ones.

And here is the main issue, 80% of the time if i or my partner walk her alone she will disengage from other dogs with treats when she looks at us and doesn't bark, if we go on a family walk with our young DC she loses her mind and goes nuts if a dog is near or far, we cannot get her attention back to us and on the odd occasion my DC has stroked the other dog that's approaching she has actually nipped me or my partner (whoever is holding the lead) and I don't know if that is jealousy, being over-excited, aggression?! Is she now a reactive dog?

For background she came from a lovely breeder and i saw all the puppies several times, I have kept in contact with all other puppies owners and they are all outgoing social dogs who rarely bark, one of them lives nearby and we spend time together, my dog is perfectly happy to socialise with them.

I just don't know what i have done wrong? I know its such a non issue in the grand scale of things but we would obviously like to do alot as a family with the dog like dog friendly outings, UK holidays etc but it is impossible, we have tried twice to take her to a dog friendly family event and it is a disaster with constant barking at dogs but also people which was a new thing as she'd never barked at people before.

Any advice please?

And here is the main issue, 80% of the time if i or my partner walk her alone she will disengage from other dogs with treats when she looks at us and doesn't bark, if we go on a family walk with our young DC she loses her mind and goes nuts if a dog is near or far, we cannot get her attention back to us and on the odd occasion my DC has stroked the other dog that's approaching she has actually nipped me or my partner (whoever is holding the lead) and I don't know if that is jealousy, being over-excited, aggression?! Is she now a reactive dog?

She reacts more when the children are also walking because she is likely already extra stimulated/excited (excitement and nerves are flip signs of the same coin) and she has less left in the tank to cope with the worry of another dog.

She nips you because of diverted aggression. She cannot get to the thing that scares her so something nearby cops the flack instead. The way you might snap at your partner about getting in your way when really you are worried about work and money.

The answer to both is to take everything at her pace. When walking her with the children deliberately choose places where it is quiet and calm and you are unlikely to have to be in close proximity to other dogs. Taht way all she has to cope with is the walk itself. Try to maintain good distance from other dogs, even if she wants to say hello. Introduce them only when there is good reason to and you know the other dog has the right temperament for meeting puppies (i.e. maybe you do get to know someone with a steady confident dog and think it might be nice to walk together sometimes). You really are aiming for her to think that seeing other dogs is a total non-event.

we have tried twice to take her to a dog friendly family event and it is a disaster with constant barking at dogs but also people which was a new thing as she'd never barked at people before.

She barked at people as well in that siutation because she was well over her limit of what she could cope with. Forget dog friendly family events for quite some time yet and it may be that she can never cope with them. They are a pretty unnatural environment for a dog anyway and so it's really 'normal' for dogs not to cope in them. It's the weird (in dog terms) dogs that can - they are the exception. Even though it doesn't feel like that.

The general rule is: if she is reacting then you ARE too close to the other dog. She needs more space than that. Listen to her now on this, and you are much less likely to have this issue escalate as she grows up.

At 5 months old it's not unusual for puppies to be worried about walks. Don't force them. Keep them short, calm and safe. Stay calm and patient yourself. Go at the dog's pace and whilst you can encourage them and praise them for walking, don't make them, drag them, push them etc. (Not saying you do!).

Car: keep journeys short and try to drive steadily to keep the car from swinging about. Some dogs grow out of car sickness so the 'trick' is not to let being in the car become so hideous while they are young that they hate it even after the sickness has gone.

This is not a non issue. I want to call that out because you have precious time right now (while she is so young) to slow down and help her through this. If you just cross your fingers and hope for the best, you miss this great chance and risk having an adult dog with ingrained habits and fears.

That said, it is also worth facing now that, whilst she may improve greatly with age and support, she is unlikely to ever be a social butterfly that can cope with crowds of strangers, noisy events, multiple other dogs etc. She is likely to always need an element of distance and calm.

@SirSniffsAlot thank you for your reply so much of what you say makes so much sense! I do try to walk her without DC as much as i can to avoid the situation but especially on weekends its nice to walk as a family but i will take on board trying to find places we won't encounter other dogs.
I keep swinging between thinking i need to stay away from all dogs and hoping she grows out of it (i know that's ridiculous, just burying my head in the sand there!) and then actively trying to walk past dogs from afar hoping the exposure will help. I don't want to force her into being sociable with all dogs just to be able to see/pass one without her having to think its something to worry about.

I think with the family events thing our previous dog loved things like that and i just assumed things would be similar and we'd be able to take her to things like that, but obviously that isn't a necessity and i don't want to push her out of her comfort zone.

I do also need to learn to be calmer myself, i am now anxious everytime we go out because im wondering how she will react and i find myself getting embarrassed when she barks (she has such a loud, deep bark it even makes me jump if i haven't noticed she's about to bark!)

Thank you though, it's given me plenty to think about!
We are also continuing the puppy classes to get more assistance with these issues.

No problem at all.

It's perhaps also worth just noting that everything you are doing and everything you are feeling is also 100% normal. I've met very few owners of anxious dogs who don't go through exactly the stages you're going through now.

The guilt (what did I do to cause this)
The grief (I'll maybe never quite have the life with the dog I expected)
The denial (perhaps if I walk her near THIS dog she won't react this time)
The embarassment (does that other person think my dog is aggressive?)

So it is also worth keeping in mind that with all the nice things you are doing/going to do to help support your dog - you also need to be able to do them for yourself.

It is a-OK to find a quiet isolated walk and use that as a 'safe' walk you can both go where you don't need to be on alert. Maybe a secure field, for example.

It's also ok to cut short a walk because you've both already had a dog-dog encounter and it's left you a bit out of sorts. Even if that means the walk was just a few minutes long. Better to cut it short than go on to get really upset when something else doesn't go to plan (eg some thoughtless owner lets their dog run up and upset yours).

At her age and with her character, it is also OK to have a day without walks at all. A day where you both just mess about in the house or garden.

You've rightly identified that your own newly-learned anxieties may not be helping her. Don't beat yourself up for them (you no more control them than she controls hers). Just be aware and try to go easy on yourself too.

If you take care of yourself, as well as you take care of your dog, you give you both the best shot at learning to trust each other - and your ability to cope when a walk doesn't go to plan.

We are also continuing the puppy classes to get more assistance with these issues.

Sounds very sensible! Just be aware that if a class ever tries to get you to reprimand your puppy or make them stay close to another dog while they react or are upset, then it's time to get out of there and find somewhere new

Your puppy is only 5 months old. It's a lot to take in for a puppy. Don't rush them and don't force them. So many people think socialisation is meeting other dogs and playing with them and playing with people it isn't. Socialisation is getting your puppy use to everyday things like cars , noises etc. If your puppy is scared watch from a distance. Sit at a park and people watch if your puppy is comfortable. Eventually they will get confidence. What breed is your dog. Some working lines are more reserved. It's not a bad thing if your pup does not want to go up to meet other dogs or people why should they.

@SirSniffsAlot thank you again, it's great to hear advice from somebody who knows alot about this as im only learning as i go and relying on google isn't always the best thing!
I have a couple of times now changed direction if i can when we are approaching a dog and she isn't happy about it.
When i posted we were going through a rough patch with it but the last couple of weeks have been better, but there does seem to be a pattern where there are better days/weeks and then the opposite where she barks alot.
Couple of weeks back we had a really successful walk where she walked past a few dogs and i treated her for not reacting to them and then on our journey back a few people with off lead dogs were blocking the entrance to the car park so i had to walk up to them and one dog came up to us and had a quick sniff with mine which she was fine with and then the second was very playful and i think my dog growled when it was right in her face and then the dog jumped on top of her nearly wanting to play and my dog backed away scared. The owner then intervened but i noticed the next day she barked at all the dogs again so i think situations like that are not helping!

@Sitdowncupoftea yes i am beginning to completely understand that is the case with socialisation. I know i've mentioned wanting to visit dog friendly places etc but i don't want to force her to love all dogs and be ok with anybody wanting to fuss her etc. I just want her to be able to accompany us as a family on days out and holidays etc but if that isn't something that she will ever be comfortable with then that is an adjustment we will make. I also can't compare her to my previous dog who was more than happy to be in the company of other dogs and people.
She is a labradoodle :)