Recently separated. Dog missing DH

[TheSecondMrsMoorcroft]

My husband and I are now separated. He left the home nearly 2 weeks ago. It’s been tough on all of us but our 7yr old golden retriever is really unhappy. She’s not doing anything she usually does. Doesn’t want to walk/play. Moping about generally. I’m trying to be upbeat with her but I couldn’t have imagined she react this badly.

DH would walk her maybe 2/3 times a week. He never fed her or played with her; never groomed her. Wherever I was in the house, she’d be there with me. If I was away, she’d be in my bed so, I didn’t expect this, almost a fortnight on.

Any advice? I feel desperate for her. She’s turned into an old lady, so sad.

Aww, that's so sad. Carry on with the normal routine. Dogs are suckers for that.
For what it's worth, my dog welcomes my ex like his long lost mate when he comes back. He's part of the pack I suppose.

I forgot to add that opposite sex makes the bond stronger. Sad but true.
I get male pets on purpose.

Thanks @TheCurseOfBoris

Thing is, I knew she’d miss him but not in this way. DH used to say “how come when you come through the front door she jumps off our bed and runs down with a toy/sock/anything she can find? But when I come home from work she stays put, on our bed?”

To be honest, she could be picking up from me. Eight weeks ago, husband and I were planning our retirement (he’d just retired) and now he’s gone. A big shock; feel like he’s died so, I’m trying to put a brave face on it all for me and DS and the dog but I’m clearly failing miserably.

Does anyone know how long this might last? Whether there’s anything I can do? See a vet?

Next week, DH is coming over to get more of his stuff and although I’ve arranged for us all to be out that weekend, I’m dreading her coming home, smelling that he’s “been back” then we start all over again with her moping and crying.

Goldies are people dogs, they like to know where all their people are. They are also very empathetic and she is probably picking up on how you feel too
She will settle down eventually but your vet may be able to recommend something in the meantime
xx to you and DDog

It's tough on the pets. My cat grieved for ages and put loads of weight on. I got kittens to take her mind if it all. This probably isn't a sensible solution for a grieving GR.

Oh I don’t know
We had our cats first and them and ddog have a truce but that’s all. However, in the past we had Goldies first THEN kittens and they adored eachother

Well there you are. Kittens are a plan.

When my husband walked out after 29 years the house seemed very empty so I got sister kittens for my grieving cat and offered to foster for a local cat rescue place. I've had dozens of kittens through and they have been a lifesaver. I only kept one.

We have a cat. She’s a feral rescue and only comes home now and then. Ever so chunky so, I think an elderly neighbour is feeding her. She wouldn’t care one way or the other if we ALL left home!!! 😂

The GR is unusual in that she’s not terribly affectionate and a bit guarded with other dogs so, anything “added” might go belly up. Think I’ll give the vet a call.

She came to me for a rare “close moment” tonight. Sad girl.

Has he seen her since? Could he? Could she sleep with some of his clothing. Very upsetting annoying for you.

It is very upsetting. I’m just worried that if he sees her she’ll be back to square one on her “living without you”. I imagine that’d be harder and confusing for a dog?

I’m pretty devastated even though I instigated the divorce. I had no choice, sadly.

To be fair though, Goldies are very good at looking tragic.
I have the cat sitting next to me at the moment and ddog looks devastated

I'd definitely take her to the vet. She might actually be ill and it's just coincided with your husband moving out?

She will pick up on how you are feeling.

I would not assume that she is missing your husband. I would want to get a full vet check first to rule out any other issues.

Thanks everyone. She had her annual check with Kennel cough and boosters just before he went. All good. Listened to her heart/checked abdomen etc. They did say she was a little overweight but she might lose a bit right now.

Poor dog and poor you. How old is your ds? Will he be going to visit his dad and if so would the dog go too? My dog is very much my shadow, she loves all the kids and if they go for sleepovers she'll miss them and go to their bedrooms etc. she also seems to know roughly when DH is due home from work as she'll wait by the door so I can imagine she'd react the same even though he is indifferent to her lol and doesn't feed/play or walk her! Like a pp said dogs just like all their family "pack" to be together!

Are you very sad about it?
Dogs are very empathic animals and pick up on our feelings. Its possible shes depressed because you are.

This. Have her in bed with you on top of the duvet and blanket on top of her so she feels snuggled and like the pack

Yes, I’m devastated. I have been pretty upbeat for her, DS and me (trying to convince myself I’m better off without him). I feel like he’s died. All those years together and now, no future together. DS is 22. Has autism and may choose to see him or not. Not sure really. He’s just started a job/joined a gym so, he’s busy by his standards and may say he won’t have time.

She sleeps on my bed anyway, though gets down onto her own bed in the night. Then up… then down… 😂

I love her!

You are projecting. She is feeding off you. She is a dog. You are her main carer, she isn't missing him.

I agree with this, she is very close to you not him, she is picking up on your upset even you are trying hard to hide it etc.

she will feel better in time - just as you will believe me!

I am so sorry about you and your husband, it must be devastating for you after all this time - you need time to adjust to change, no one likes change - doesn’t mean it isn’t going to make you happier though..

X

I do ok until I remember that on the Monday morning he was my usual husband and by 7pm Monday evening he wanted a divorce. He’d threatened me so many times with divorce that I just said “Ok, I’ll see a solicitor”. I think I’m in shock. Or grieving. It’d be easier, God forbid, if he’d died, I think.

This morning, first thing the dog did when I opened my bedroom door was go to the spare room (where he moved into before moving out) and get on the bed. She’s still there now. Didn’t come down for her morning Marmite toast.

I’m beginning to think it might be easier for all, to leave him the house, the dog and my son and just search for a bridge.

No, don't do that!

Your dog may look like she's missing him, but she's equally or even more miss you and you wouldn't be there to cheer her up!

Give it time. It's a shock for everyone.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear that you - and your lovely dog - are having such a tough time right now.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support when you're feeling down.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Thanks everyone.