Rom rescue- I realise I have failed

[fatherfurlong]

15 months ago got 6month old Rom rescue. Arrived very nervous, anxious and noise sensitive. Did all the things I thought a good dog owner should do so took him to puppy classes( only realising afterward it was completely inappropriate for our dog). Tried a dog trainer who was very prescriptive and gave some tips on working on recall etc good games for the dog to learn to occupy him and have some fun. Went to another dog class which was more helpful in giving me confidence in what I was doing with the dog and finally a behaviourist to address my dog’s fearful aggression.

We have worked so hard and he has improved but in the last week he has ‘gone’ for my husband twice and growled at my disabled daughter when she made an involuntary movement. No biting but air snapping, growling, ears flat and lunging forward. He is a large dog and it is frightening when he does it.
My main worry is that this aggression is directed at family members who he has seen every day for 15 months! My husband walks him, feeds him etc but the dog will never play with him and will frequently growl at him with no provocation.

I knew it would be hard but not this hard. The rescue have offered ‘tips’ but no other support and their attitude seems to be to keep plodding on because things will get better but it feels like an endurance trial. I said the only thing that would make me return him is if he bit anyone but it’s like we are waiting for it before giving up.

*beautiful soul (not sole!)

My friend has a Romanian rescue. She's had him for 2 years and she still can't touch him. He's loved, lies in the garden in the sun, but no walks or cuddles or stroking. She worries if he ever hurt himself she could never get him to a vet. She's an absolute hero not to give up on him. Literally can't get within 2 feet of him. A behaviourist tried to get a harness on him once and he snapped and poohed everywhere because he was so frightened. What he must have experienced in his young life doesn't bear thinking about. But he is happy now with a quiet safe peaceful life. But not a pet dog like you would hope for.

You haven't failed OP. I believe our animals are meant to bring pleasure and joy to our lives as a sort of compensation for the enormous energy effort and love we put into them. I'm an ex horse owner I've spent 40+ years owning horses and loved them with a passion, but as many will testify horses are often problematic and the time and energy them take up makes dogs look like a walk in the park. I adored my last horse but he was extra problematic (I have extensive experience of this type of horse and the problems associated with it). But I got up one day and realised I didn't want to do this anymore, that despite loving him to bits and spending my every spare moment with him that I didn't want the agro and the hassle, I was not enjoying it or getting anything out of it just endless misery. Luckily I had him on 6 month trial and with a heavy heart I returned him. I do not regret it I often wonder what happened to him and yes you could say I failed him but I know I did the right thing. I don't own horses now and do miss them occasionally but I also feel so much freer emotionally and well as time wise. IMO you are in similar position like me and my last horse you took on this dg in good faith you have owned in 9 months you've obviously put a lot into it and made progress, but no one wants to be scared in their own home of a dog especially a big dog, you have a disabled daughter and Im sure you don't want to her to be scared and you don't want to be constantly worrying about what this dog might do to her. So like me and my last horse you are not enjoying this dog or getting anything out of it just fear and worry so you should return him to the rescue (if they'll take him back) or an alternative rescue. Some will say you have failed him, I don't agree he sounds like the wrong dog for you, but ultimately even if you have failed him this doesn't mean that by giving him up you are not doing the right thing for yourself and your family because ultimately your emotional and physical welfare and that of your family have to take priority over a dog (or a horse).

OP, you haven't failed. You have been badly let down by the rescue, who have placed an inappropriate dog in your home and failed to provide adequate support and advice.

I've known and encountered quite a few overseas rescues and very few have panned out as the owners hoped (from dropping dead within a few months to dog aggression to running off and never being found). Some have been serious project dogs.

The rescue organisations vary hugely, and some are just not up to the mark.

We had to return our Romanian rescue in the end (after a lot of soul searching, tears, attempted training and and speaking to 2 behaviourists) as she did start to bite and drew blood. She was a beautiful, fiercely intelligent dog, but wholly unsuitable for a family with a child. I understand she ended up being adopted by a single man with other dogs and lots of experience. We felt like we'd failed her - but in hindsight it was absolutely the right thing to do.

Is this Sally Bradbury a qualified behaviourist. If not avoid her.

@ApostrophicThinker
Go to your vet for an approved behaviourist avoid trainers and facebook self proclaimed trainers unless they are qualified they do more bad than good.
Get the background as far as you can on your dog but bare in mind there are some rescues that will tell you anything. It can take years to reabilitate it's a slow process. It sounds as though your dog had no socialisation. More than likely your dog will improve but won't be the perfect dog. If you know the triggers avoid them. Your first port of call should be your vet.

Thank you all.
Having had the dog 15 months we have got an understanding of what triggers him so consequently we walk at the same time each day, meet the same dogs that he feels comfortable with. He only gets a second walk if he wants it but he always seems happier to play in the garden where there are no surprises that might scare him.
He is not demonstrative of affection but will show it in little ways like coming to stand by you for a stroke or initiating play by coming to lick your elbow or resting his head in your lap. Much of the time he will sleep or walk about the garden and all this makes it harder to rehome him. We are very careful not to over stimulate him and reduce trigger stacking but a lot of it is guess work.
He is triggered just by my husband moving about the house, even when he can’t see him and then goes into full aggression mode when he enters the room.
I thought that after all this time even if we had problems outside that he would see family members as ‘his pack’ at least but no. It is all very stressful for us and obviously for him too.

He is triggered just by my husband moving about the house, even when he can’t see him and then goes into full aggression mode when he enters the room.

You have another 12years of this.

He is triggered just by my husband moving about the house, even when he can’t see him and then goes into full aggression mode when he enters the room.

Please don't put the dog or your husband through another 12+ years of this. It's not fair on either of them.