……And the thought that in the near future, the one stable in my life, my best friend who has loyally been by my side almost 24/7 for the last 10 years will be gone.
My Archie is 10 and since early 2020 he has bravely fought off 2 cancers. A mast cell tumour in Jan 2020. Then April 2021 he had a very aggressive histiocytic sarcoma in his spleen. The spleen was removed (vet wanted him pts half way through the op as it’s had stuck to other organs). He pulled through but the vet gave a very grave prognosis of a few weeks to months.
But by a miracle Archie did so, so well and went a full 15 months in really great health and tbh, even though I know he was on borrowed time as he was so well and active, I had truly convinced myself that it was some kind of miracle and he would go on to be one of those bow legged little old doggies who just slip off in their sleep on night, at the age of 17!
But fate has other ideas and a month ago we found a big lump in his abdomen. It has turned out to be a very large liver tumour. The vet says that although his liver is functioning ok at the moment, there is nothing they can do, it’s just palliative care and just a matter of time now.
He is quite good spirits but has an upset tummy every day and his tummy is very swollen. He doesn’t appear to be suffering right now and I wouldn’t let him.
But, I am beside myself with anticipatory grief, I am checking him over all the time, looking at all the quack ‘alternative’ remedies in the hope we can find a miracle and am so on edge and anxious all the time. I can’t feel joy or happiness right now.
I hate the thought that we will have to make the decision to end his life. I know it’s the last kindest act we can do for him but it is killing me, when will the time come? What if we do it too soon and regret it? What if we do it too late and realise he suffered? I am truly torturing myself.
I am having arguments with dh as I want to dash off the the vets every few days for advice and he says we can not afford it and there is nothing more they can do or say.
When I rescued him as a 6 month old, 10 years ago and during our wonderful years together, never did I think just how absolutely awful and dark these last days/weeks together would be.
I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to leave him alone.
How did you cope when you had to go through this with your pet?
I have had personal human loss in the last few years, that was really bad but weirdly this feels so, so raw, I just can not get my head around it.