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Help… again

33 replies

Blahblahblah40 · 14/02/2022 21:11

Hi all. I’ve posted before about puppy not liking being left alone. At that point we still couldn’t get out to walk and I hoped it would get better once we could but alas no. Am really really struggling with it now as 3 weeks on and tbh very little improvement. So looking for more advice on if I’m doing the right/wrong thing and if there is anything else I could try to hopefully speed up the process a little.

To be clear puppy is now 14 weeks and has his with bed and open crate in my office which has a stair gate. This was suggested in previous post. Pup will happily sleep all night (10:30 to 6:30) downstairs, alone, in his bed in the room. No crying/barking/anxiety from this at all except to go pee if he needs and he has done this since 10 weeks. I have been able to get him used to me going for a shower in the evenings and he stays quiet while I do this but as soon as I leave the bathroom I have to pass ‘his room’ and he is straight up and whining/barking to get out. He is quiet on and off during the day if I get up to make a cuppa or go to the loo, as in sometimes he cries/whines, sometimes he doesn’t, but he always wakes up… every single time. He sleeps while I am at my desk working at home but if anything is happening in the house e.g. at weekends he just will not give in and can sometimes have as little as 12-14 hours sleep a day when you work it all out. I assumed (maybe naively) that he would crash from being tired and not wake from noise but nope. For example tonight I walked him about 5 and he dozed in his bed after for about 20-30 mins then he was awake again and played with his toys for about half an hour. I took him out to the loo, played fetch with him and fed him. Back out to the loo and put him into his room for quiet time while I was in the shower. As soon as I came out the shower I was flitting between the kitchen and the hallway tidying up, and the living room where I was going in and closing the door for a couple of mins then back out again. He cried the whole time from the end of my shower until approx 5 mins ago. So about an hour. Despite being able to see me the whole time except when I went to the living room. I’ve been hiding in the loo now for about 20 mins as he is quiet when I’m in there. But has just started whining again.
I walk him twice a day for about 15 mins each, I play with him and give him attention/training for about 5-10 mins when he is awake (fetch/feeding games etc) but not every time. He will settle happily if he is with me or someone else but just not on his own at all except at bedtime. I just don’t know what to do. He isn’t crate trained, does anyone think that might improve it if I tried? Although I don’t know how to fit that into daily life as it’s so time consuming and I’m already run ragged trying to do everything else he needs and we need as a family, as well as work. I’m supposed to be at my sisters during the summer and am so down with it all that I’m currently thinking I won’t be able to go because he won’t stay on his own in a room at all and they don’t allow dogs in their living room. I know that summer is about 5 months away but I can’t help feeling I need to sort it all now before he gets too old. Or am I expecting too much of him at 14 weeks? Is this normal? Everyone else I know, their pup seemed to just accept being on their own. I don’t like leaving him to cry for too long because I’ve read it causes anxiety and the last thing I need is an anxious adult dog who can’t be left alone.

Sorry it’s so long, but any further advice anyone can give would be hugely appreciated.

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Blahblahblah40 · 14/02/2022 21:20

Basically feel I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place and it’s destroying me. If I enforce naps in his room he whines and barks and scratches and I can feel his anxiety rising really high. All the behaviour stuff online tells you not to let them get anxious because it just gets worse. But if I don’t enforce naps he is an overtired nightmare who barks and nips and wants constant attention and I get zero time to even get dressed in the morning.

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Whattodo121 · 14/02/2022 21:24

He just wants to be with you I think! Our 9 month old puppy just potters around with us whilst we are doing stuff during the day, we have a stair gate so we can shut her in the dining room when the Tesco man comes for example, or we’re unloading stuff from the car and need the front door open. We just shut individual doors of rooms she can’t be in unattended. Generally during the day she can access the living room, dining room and kitchen pretty freely, and when the weather is good, the garden. She’s allowed upstairs but only when invited, she has an evening and a morning cuddle in our bed. She sleeps in a crate downstairs. She very very rarely cries or sulks and allows herself to be left for a couple of hours without complaint.

Whattodo121 · 14/02/2022 21:26

We had a playpen for the nippy stage with her crate in it. When she nipped she was put in the pen with something to chew and we could talk to her. That allowed us to have a shower etc in the very early days!

AwkwardPaws27 · 14/02/2022 21:31

He's 14 weeks old - a tiny baby. I couldn't go to the loo alone at that point.

By about 18-20 weeks AwkwardPup started finding his confidence. He's a spaniel so a bit of a velcro dog by nature, but flitting & setting up puzzle feeders in another room (so he had an incentive to be in another room) really helped.

He was happy being left home alone for an hour or so by 7-8 months, but still prefers to be in the same room as us if possible when we are at home.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 14/02/2022 21:34

I really think you're expecting too much from a 14 week old puppy - he's a baby and he just wants to be with you!

My beagle is four and he still follows me around everywhere Grin

You just have to ignore the whining and eventually he'll learn that he's not missing out on anything and that it's okay for him to stay where he is.

I would make sure that you don't accidentally reward the whining by playing with him when he does it, though Smile

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 14/02/2022 21:53

Wow yes you're expecting too much of him and you'll make him insecure if you continue doing this.

AwkwardPaws27 · 14/02/2022 22:05

I'd really recommend the group Dog Training Advice and Support on Facebook - www.facebook.com/groups/dogtrainingadviceandsupport/?ref=share

They were invaluable with our puppy.

Blahblahblah40 · 14/02/2022 22:05

@GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat

Wow yes you're expecting too much of him and you'll make him insecure if you continue doing this.
What exactly is it that you think I’m doing wrong though? I’m not leaving him alone. I’m around all the time and he can see me except for the odd time I nip into the living room… which is what the sites online recommend, that you nip in and out and leave it longer each time. Which I’ve been doing for three weeks now. He is behind the gate to keep him out the way while I brush the floor etc which I can’t exactly do efficiently with a puppy biting the brush. Otherwise I’m with him pretty much 24/7 except at bed time obviously when he is happily asleep downstairs.
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AwkwardPaws27 · 14/02/2022 22:16

which is what the sites online recommend, that you nip in and out and leave it longer each time
This is correct, but not if he is crying - at that point he's overwhelmed and continuing to leave will just associate you leaving with being distressed. You only increase the time when puppy isn't upset - if he's whining and crying its better to take a step back and try again when he is settled.

Blahblahblah40 · 14/02/2022 22:20

Thanks all. I did wonder if I was expecting too much of him at this age but it’s very very draining when I’m the only adult in the house. I have to pop him in there to go get dressed etc, no choice, he can’t be left out because DC is too young and I don’t really want him upstairs incase he happens to get into their bedroom with of all their tiny toys. He follows DC around like they are the messiah and she is too young to remember to close the door every time so that’s very likely to happen! He won’t stay happily in a room with a closed door either, even if I’m in it with him??!! So taking him up while I get dressed I have the same issue or he bites all my clothes as I put them on.

I am trying my best to ignore the whining @fairylightsandwaxmelts
but it does get so blooming hard after a long time of it. I’m definitely not rewarding the whining either, good behaviour only.

Also, just to be clear he has access to water and usually a chew toy or lickimat or something when I put him in his room. He isn’t just abandoned. He is literally with me all day every day. Please don’t think I’m cruel because I really don’t think I am. I’m just trying to get through life best I can with a puppy, work, and still manage to have a shower and clean at least one thing in my house every couple of days!!

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Blahblahblah40 · 14/02/2022 22:23

@AwkwardPaws27

which is what the sites online recommend, that you nip in and out and leave it longer each time This is correct, but not if he is crying - at that point he's overwhelmed and continuing to leave will just associate you leaving with being distressed. You only increase the time when puppy isn't upset - if he's whining and crying its better to take a step back and try again when he is settled.
What I can’t understand with it though is the inconsistency of it. Why would he be fine when I’m having a shower and he can’t see me, but not fine when I’m stood almost right in front of him brushing a floor? Why is he fine one morning when I nip up to get dressed but not the next? Why ok if I nip to the loo but not ok half an hour later if I go to make a cup of tea. I think that’s what I’m struggling to get my head around.
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Blahblahblah40 · 14/02/2022 22:26

Obviously I’m just getting it all wrong and maybe need to go back to the beginning.

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AwkwardPaws27 · 14/02/2022 22:34

Ours was worse if he could see us and not get to us too. It does get better!

I guess what's more frustrating for a small child, chocolate cake in a cupboard they can't see or chocolate cake just out of reach? It's probably quite like that for a puppy. Plus you are sleeping the floor with a brush and he desperately wants to be with you AND chew it.

When you are in the shower or toilet and out of sight, the lickimat or kong is the most interesting thing in sight so maybe he settles better. Unless he's already on high alert for you leaving (ie maybe why he coped with you going to the loo but not with you leaving again a little while later).

Part of it will just be how he is that day/hour/minute. Have you heard of trigger stacking? Well worth reading up on - really helped up make more sense of our puppy's behaviour and how one day he could be brilliant and the next very challenging.

Blahblahblah40 · 14/02/2022 23:53

@AwkwardPaws27 you’re totally right. I never looked at it like that. I guess I just assumed that if he could see me he would be ok. But now thinking on what you are saying its clearly pushing him too much.
I think when you are in the thick of puppydom, it just feels like it will never end. Appreciate your comments/help so much though, thank you. He is my first puppy of this age so I’m a bit of a novice with it and so any mistakes I’m making are unintentional. As I said previously I don’t know anyone else IRL who has had this issue that I could ask. My friends dogs all appeared to just go with the flow. Will go read up on trigger stacking just now and see if it sheds any light on his behaviour.

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AwkwardPaws27 · 15/02/2022 00:02

I think when you are in the thick of puppydom, it just feels like it will never end
Oh I remember that feeling well!

Try not to compare too much - I've had times where I've convinced myself ours was awful and untrainable, and then on reflection he's actually pretty good - he's great on walks, just a total thief at home (typical spaniel)!

You'll get there - it's easier as they get older and you can take them on longer walks, they can selfregulate better & you aren't enforcing naps.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 15/02/2022 06:12

He's inconsistent because he's a baby animal and they rarely ever follow any kind of rule book Grin

Honestly, it will get better. Once he's older and more used to your household routine and noise he'll no longer want to to investigate and he'll be happy to just sit on his own - but don't expect it to happen overnight. It really is baby steps at that age.

But one day you'll realise you've done all the housework and had a shower and the puppy has curled up and slept the whole time, I promise!

Gabbiadini · 15/02/2022 06:39

If you’re at home then he doesn’t need to be separated from you does he? Unless you’re in the shower etc and you say he’s fine with that.

Our dog always gets up and follows us whenever we move around the house. He loves us. Occasionally he’s in a deep enough sleep he just carries on but generally if my husband is WFH and gets up to go downstairs then the dog follows. I do remember when both dogs I’ve had were puppies I’d sometimes have to just sit on the sofa with a cup of tea for half an hour in order to get them to relax and fall asleep for a bit as they’d just follow me everywhere if I was busy.

mynameisnotmichaelcaine · 15/02/2022 06:55

There's a great book called It's OK To Be Alone which was really helpful when mine was a pup. Mine is now so good at being in the kitchen alone that she gets a bit arsey if I'm in there marking books.

Blahblahblah40 · 15/02/2022 07:24

Thanks @fairylightsandwaxmelts and @AwkwardPaws27 think it’s just very hard to imagine that right now. I feel like I’m at that stage when you have a baby where you are touched out and whinged out. It just feels relentless. So good to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for being so positive and reassuring with me.

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Whattodo121 · 15/02/2022 07:33

Over the summer when we were about 4 weeks in to puppy ownership I realised I’d not sat on our sofa since we’d got her. She just wanted to play in the garden, couldn’t be left unattended so I was sitting on bloody patio chairs all day! Now I watch telly, she potters about, comes and goes and I check her after half an hour or so. Usually she’s either lying on the back doorstep watching our chickens through the window or snoozing in her crate.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 15/02/2022 07:34

I've been doing housework this morning - going in and out of rooms and upstairs - my beagle hasn't moved from this position Grin

Help… again
Blahblahblah40 · 15/02/2022 07:37

@Gabbiadini I’m just trying to make sure he gets enough rest during the day and I don’t mind him following if I’m doing day to day but sometimes it’s easier if they aren’t underfoot. Learning to be comfortable being alone for 10 mins would help all that would it not? At weekends he definitely doesn’t get enough sleep, he can sometimes go almost the whole day with only one nap or a sporadic two hours throughout the whole day and even you can’t agree that that is “normal” for a pup of that age. Everything I read said they should sleep about 18 hours on average.

It’s easy to say that sometimes you just have to sit down but we have a busy house with work, school runs, people coming and going, homework, etc etc etc and young children require attention the same as puppies do. If not more. Sometimes he does need to be alone for 10 mins as I explained in a previous post, he’s fine with the shower/toilet but if I go upstairs to get dressed or to get DC dressed he isn’t happy. It’s for his own safety I’m not letting him up there, some of DCs toys are the perfect plastic choking size should he get hold of it without me noticing.

Im not perfect at this, nor do I claim to be which is why I’m here asking for some help/tips and reassurance.

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Blahblahblah40 · 15/02/2022 07:39

@mynameisnotmichaelcaine

There's a great book called It's OK To Be Alone which was really helpful when mine was a pup. Mine is now so good at being in the kitchen alone that she gets a bit arsey if I'm in there marking books.
Thanks I will investigate that one 🙂
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Blahblahblah40 · 15/02/2022 07:43

@Whattodo121 exactly this! I don’t stop from 6am until 10:30pm. Like literally don’t sit down unless I’m at my desk and then I’m on calls, emails etc. so it’s not a rest in any way. Don’t even have another adult here to say sit for half an hour and I’ll make you a cuppa. I’d have to get up and make the blooming thing myself and then pup would be disturbed again… vicious cycle. But thank you for the reminder it will all pass. 🙂

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Blahblahblah40 · 15/02/2022 07:44

@fairylightsandwaxmelts Beautiful 😍

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