Separation anxiety AND reactive when we are out

[TeenageCockapoo]

This could end up being a very long post so I will try to be concise! To cut a long story short, I have a 13 month old dog who is really difficult and is taking a toll on my mental health.

The classic story really- I bought a popular crossbreed in late 2020. I absolutely knew it was a lifelong commitment, I researched intensely and felt very genuinely prepared for what was to come. We had budgeted for the cost of puppy classes, doggy day care, Pet insurance etc. However- nearly a year on- we have a dog with a multitude of problems which mean we basically live our lives around the dog. I would appreciate any advice or support on how to get my life back.
We intended to have the puppy sleep in a crate downstairs- she never ever tolerated the crate or being confined in a pen- or being alone downstairs with us sleeping upstairs. After weeks and weeks of complete sleep deprivation and disturbing our neighbours, we relented and she sleeps in our room, mostly on our bed with us.

She doesn’t tolerate being alone, never ever has. If we leave her alone downstairs, she will howl. If we walk out of the front door she will howl. The most we have ever attempted to leave her for is 20 minutes and she did cry the whole time. So myself and my partner haven’t left the house without the dog for a year now and it is becoming unbearable. She shows no signs of distress other than howling (doesn’t have toilet accidents, doesn’t drool or destroy things) so I am almost at the point of just leaving her to make a noise- but we can’t as we live in a terrace and the noise would be unfair on our neighbours.

She isn’t generally ‘reactive’- if she is off lead she plays with dogs completely happily and will allow humans to be close to her and stroke her. But if she is on lead, she will sometimes bark at a dog that she feels is invading her territory (usually entire male dogs). If a strange human tries to approach her (we do try to stop random people stroking her but people are shockingly persistent sometimes!) she has growled and barked/snapped- so we are seeing some aggressive behaviours in circumstances where she wants someone to back off. This means that trying to take her out and about- having a coffee or a drink in a pub is a bit stressful and often means rewarding her with treats constantly when she is lying down nicely beside us.

So that is where we are- a 13 month old dog who cannot be left alone, but also cannot happily do many things out and about with us. I’m in my mid-twenties and this is not the life I imagined. I have never considered rehoming her- as far as I am concerned, she is a lifelong commitment and I intend to give her the best life possible. When she is happily running off lead through long grass or playing with a squeaky ball, I have so much love for her and I can’t imagine life without her. Equally- I am sacrificing a lot of my life.

How do you reconcile the dog you wanted with the dog you have? How much of this is the dog’s temperament versus how much can I change? How do you find a behaviourist that you trust? Any thoughts much appreciated.

We’re working with a great behaviourist but I’m in NI so probably no use to you. Snooppup is 12 months, same breed as yours with same issues (and more) and we’re seeing a difference after 2 sessions. It can be fixed you just need someone to teach you how. Good luck.

To find a behaviourist you can trust, join ReactiveDogsuk in facebook... they will point you towards a properly accredited, positive behaviourist in your postcode.
Also join them because you will get a fantastic amount of support and advice!
Have you heard of the CARE protocol for reactive dogs?If not.. start here :) [http://careforreactivedogs.com/]] grab a coffee and get reading!

It works.. it takes time and committment but by working with your dog to help resolve their anxiety, life gets a lot easier.

I have a selectively reactive dog.. pre lockdown, did all the right stuff but she became less friendly, more wary and harder to handle after adolescence. Some dogs she is fine with (ones she knows) others...she is not and especially not when on lead. She also does NOT want strangers touching her ever, so I know how difficult and depressing it can be.

BUT I found a good behaviourist through RDUK, (needed because although I was trying to use CARE my timings were off and it helped to be shown exactly what to do) and my girl has improved massively. We managed a wedding less than 2 weeks ago with 5 unknown dogs (country wedding!) and lots of strangers . She coped so much better than she would have done just a few months ago, although she needed a few days chill time afterwards.

I'm quite upfront with people too and that helps.. 'please hold on while I move my dog away, she's nervous' (sounds better than ' she's going to growl her head off if your dog gets any closer'!) and 'Please don't touch her' ..I have a Yellowdog slip cover for my lead which says 'I need space' which helps a little too.

I do have days when I feel sad, for her being so nervous, and me because I can't just potter on the local park and know it will be fine, but then, when we are in a field and she's dashing though the long grass, happy as can be, ... it's worth it.

Separations anxiety is a bit different (mine isn't as bad as yours but not brilliant) and the FB 'Dog Training Advice and Support group might be very helpful there.

I don't think my dog will ever be perfect.. she will always be wary of strangers, but seeing how much she has improved as long as we respect her limits... that's ok.

I actually had to check if I hadn't written this post. OP I'm in the same boat. It's an aspect not many people talk about. I'm 3 years down the line from you and I'm going to tell you all the things I wish someone had told me 3 years ago.

1: get your dog on anxiety meds NOW, if your vet wont prescribe, find a vet who does. Proper meds not bullshit herbal stuff.

1. Decide which is worse, sep anxiety or reactivity. Find a specialised trainer. I would suggest working in sep anxiety. I can recommend someone. However this type of training will take over your life. If you are lucky your dog will get better. If not, see below.

1. Find a dog-sitter that your dog likes, lives closes to you and understands "special" dogs. Ask everyone you know. Go on all the apps. Our literally saved my marriage.

1. If you are into FB groups, there are sep anxiety and reactive groups on FB I can recommend some which are +training and generally nice and supportive

Finally, seriously consider if you are willing to go through this for the rest of the dogs life. Some dogs are just not wired right. This is specially true of cross breeds. There are no medals for self sacrificing your life. We have decided to keep our dog, as we have built up a network of support but really we should have rehomed in month 1 to a trainer not a civilian owner. He was a rescue, bla bla blah, yes I know the shelters are full, this was pre covid, I'm an experienced dog owner. I stand by my statement. Unfortunately my dog will never be a "take to the park" type or dog. It's caused much mental anguish for me, my family, my marriage. But we've decided to live with it for the life of our dog. We will never get another dog. Happy to chat more in PMs if you need the support. Most owners do NOT understand what it's like having a dog like yours and mine.

@TeenageCockapoo This is a very difficult situation for you to be in.

Any consolation if a cockerpoo owner contacts me for help I know it will be or separation anxiety you are not alone.

Your vet should be able to refer you to a qualified behaviourist. A qualified behaviourist will require a vet check up anyway. Ideally an APDC member. They should have a minimum of a post graduate qualification. They may initially be more expensive than "internet behaviourists" but the money will be worth it in the long run and much cheaper than spending money to search for the right result.

You should be able to make a big difference to your dogs emotions and then behaviour but separation anxiety can take a while to deal with.

Follow on from Greyskies fab post is also remember that your dog may not have the "ideal" life that may not be possible for them but a good life is good enough. That may not be the life you dreamed off but it is the life your dog has choosen.

There may be times it is better to leave your dog with a sitter than take them out for a walk - that is fine.

Thank you all so much for replying you have given me the feeling of not being alone. I feel like all I hear is about dogs that happily sleep under a table in the pub and can be left alone for 4 hours.
I will look up that facebook group now @StillMedusa, thank you.

I have wondered about meds @GreySkiesSunshine as any facebook group I am on seems to have people from the US who get it prescribed quite readily, and people from the UK saying their vet absolutely won't do it. I have never even asked the vet that question, so I will make an appointment to do so. Does your dog take medication and if so, what's it called? Does it work? For me, the separation anxiety is worse because I could understand that our dog doesn't want to come to a coffee shop with us so she sleeps at home, we would go by ourselves and everything would be great. I've been on the Julie Naismith (I think?) facebook group for a long time and bought the book, and I understand the concept of the subthreshold training. We have progressed from the dog howling as soon as I move through the doorway, to being calm for 15 seconds. So it does feel like an incrediblyyyyy long process and I feel like I need to be in the right headspace to properly commit to it.

@PollyRoullson I'm relieved that it is a bit of a cockapoo 'thing' that they are very clingy. Thank you for letting me know about the ADPC member thing, if I look for behaviourists on the internet I always see they have various accreditations but I have absolutely no idea how to work out which ones are proper qualifications gained over a period of years and which ones are a 1 day course!!

@TeenageCockapoo lots of hugs from me. Mine will never make it to the pup even though he loves people, loves walks etc. He's highly reactive, has bitten people and other dogs and has extreme sep anxiety. So a little more extreme than yours.

Meds: yes it worked for a time. Push your vet about this when you ask. Go prepared, Clomicalm seems to be prescribed in the U.K., it is expensive so be prepared. I don't live in the U.K. so can't say if there are other meds too. But we tried fluroxitine, gapabentine, plus others. Think of these meds like they would be used for humans, a helpful tool, not a miracle one.

Yes to all that @PollyRoullson said about finding the right person.

I don't rate Julie Naismith very highly! Sorry don't like her. I prefer the US based Malena DeMartina Price book.

Look up Calm Canine Academy, Karishma Warr is U.K. based but US trained on Sep anxiety. I've worked with her. But find a trainer YOU like, because you'll find yourself basically in therapy with them. Texting late at night, weekends etc.

Don't try and do the under-threshold training by yourself. It's a horrible thing to go through and you'll need the support of a trainer. It's also mind numbing boring but extremely effective.

APDC members will have qualifications to be able to recommend to your vet the use of medication or will discuss this with your vet if your vet think it appropriate. They will work with you and your vet as a holistic team.

I’ve never known many dogs who’d sleep under a table in a pub, you get the odd really really chilled dog, or ones that spend a lot of time in a pub so it’s really familiar, but on the whole you do have to keep them entertained at least a bit... they’re in a strange environment with lots of people and things happening.

@TeenageCockapoo how are OP? I know the replies you got must not have been easy to read. It's a really tough thing to realise that the dog you have isn't the dog you thought you would have.

Still here if you need to vent/ want to chat.

I really appreciate you checking in @GreySkiesSunshine- you're right it's difficult to read, as it seems there are no miracle cures but a lifetime of management. Thankfully she had a good day at doggy day care yesterday so I feel more positive - the day care is run by a behaviourist so does give me in depth feedback about how she's doing. Today we have a visit to the dreaded groomers...tell me my dog isn't the only one who has to be muzzled at the groomers?!

Being muzzled isn't a bad thing! Have you muzzle trained? Does your dog like their muzzle? Mine needs to be muzzled at the vet, and it's fine. We've spent lots of time and treats getting him to like his muzzle and he wears it and is calm because everyone else is calm around him!

Glad to hear you have a good doggy day care that's invaluable! Plus access to a behaviourist, just know that's not a protected term (anyone can call themselves that) so please make sure they are appropriately accredited.

Yes I remember the shock of trying to understand that it would be lifetime management rather than cure but it does become second nature.

I find it helps sometimes to just list out positive things about my dog. And to find new things to bond. We've been doing agility training in the garden, which has been fun. Learning new things together etc.

@TeenageCockapoo this sounds tough, sympathies! Re groomer, is it worth looking to see if there is a force free groomer near you who will take it very slowly - they can establish a relationship and then slowly work to make it a non fearful experience. With dogs like this you really need a whole team of people round you ideally with personal experience of nervous/reactives. It is tough when the grooming is non negotiable as it is with cockapoos.

One of the key principles of behaviour change where the behaviour is motivated by negative emotions (fear, fear of abandonment etc) is to try to eliminate the situations that provoke them so you can have a calm baseline and begin to work in the dog's comfort zone. So with the reactivity this is avoiding situations that lead to reactive behaviour and then decreasing the intensity of the stimulus (intensity, proximity, duration) when you begin to work at desensitising the dog.

That's really interesting @ferretface as we saw a behaviourist yesterday and one of the things I mentioned was vet visits and grooming. Obviously we're trying to teach our dog that humans aren't scary, but it's difficult when she needs to be groomed frequently and she finds it pretty stressful. Our groomer is about as good as they can be in my opinion- they were happy to let our dog come for desensitisation visits where she just sniffed everything and met the staff. But the behaviourist said it's an absolutely no to grooming visits whilst she is getting over the fear.
That seems to be quite a lot of what the advice centres on to be honest- our dog is scared of cats so we need to keep her away from cats. Scared of areas with lots of people so we need to not go to any town centres, cafes, shops etc.
I am fully committed to training- but bloody hell, it's a full time job with no regard for the owner's own life. Huge sympathies to anyone who is also spending so much time working on a dog!

I'd say that actually - apart from the SA - she doesn't sound that bad, in terms of reactivity? She's uncertain & defensive on lead, but then she still is a very young dog, and perhaps is picking up on your emotions too.
There is lots of gear out there from leads to bandanas to tabards - "Other dogs and people scare me - please give me space", that kind of thing. But you do end up relying on other people's behaviour a lot.
I'd say take the similar threshold approach with on-lead walking - for you and her - find a distance at which you feel happy and relaxed and just reward that time. Don't worry about avoiding people or walking off. This may be very hard in a busy park, so finding quiet times and spaces is vital.