I'm feeling full of regret since getting puppy and don't know what to do.

[wcsdilemma]

I am feeling fully of regret and wish I had never got our puppy. He's 8 months old and we collected him at 3 months. He's a working cocker spaniel but very different from our elderly dog of 13 who's also a WCS. This one is so driven, he literally never stops despite getting lots of exercise and stimulation. To be honest, I sometimes feel he's better when he's had less exercise! I've done obedience training classes with him and he's a good little chap but I think the problem is more me - I regret the impact he's having on me and my other 2 dogs. And I realise it's not his fault at all, entirely mine, but it's all so difficult.

I wish I had been firmer and said no but I was persuaded by my (grown up) family and now I feel it's just all out of control. I have been having some very real thoughts about rehoming him but I fear the backlash from my family would be too awful. The needs of my elderly dog are taking a back seat because I am so pre-occupied with the puppy. I don't know what to do, and wondered if anyone else has been in a similar position and could offer me any advice? I do know one thing for sure, I will never do this again and I would advise anyone with an elderly dog who's thinking of getting a puppy, not to. I feel very upset about the whole situation.

That should say 12 year old cocker

I do think rehoming given what you’ve described is best for you and the puppy/adolescent dog. We rehomed a dog once. Other people’s views were hard to deal with and I did have mixed emotions after he left but I know we did the right thing for him.
I think you have two options: the truth and leave them to get over their emotional reaction to that or is there a palatable reason that your family would accept that can be a plausible lie. 15 years is too long for you to continue a mistake and too long for the dog too. There are lots of people who would give a 10 month old spaniel a great home.
Alternatively, or whilst you plan, if you have the funds, could your youngest dog go to doggy day care during the day. We recently got another dog who is similar in age to your youngest. After we had him a month, I felt as you did. My husband was able to take him to work and took him out all day every day and that gave me the time to work through my feelings. Our dog has really calmed down and is settling now so I no longer regret getting him but he is definitely our last. All the best.

Although the children are grown up we’re a close family and they see this puppy as very much a family dog - a replacement for our elderly dog. I was so foolish to be persuaded. Their attitude will be that we have dogs already so why not this one.

They’re not sufficiently grown-up yet if they can understand that the decision and responsibility is all yours, not theirs.

Please do talk to your husband. I hope he’s not one of the ones who would pressure you.

They’re not sufficiently grown-up yet if they cannot understand that the decision and responsibility is all yours, not theirs.

If your children are off to uni, I'd suggest one of them takes the dog with them. Oh, they don't want that kind of commitment cramping their style? Well neither do you!

I think you need to be less scared of your family. Would they expect you to have another baby when they are all of an age to be leaving the nest? No? Well this is near enough the same thing!

I have had to resist some very heavy duty pleading/persuading from my son and husband to get a dog. I just put my foot down as I know for a fact that between them they would not cater to a dog's every need and I don't want another caring responsibility.

Your family need to see you as a person in your own right, not someone who facilitates their every wish.

Hang in there OP. Every single person I know regrets getting a dog at puppy stage. They are such hard work. He will calm down. You are putting in the hard work now and it will pay off.

I'd be tempted to go away for a fortnight and let them experience all the dog looking after!

OP, I think there are two possible issues here:
Not wanting a puppy at all;
Not wanting this puppy because he's such hard work.

Is there a chance that if this one was easier, you'd be happier about the commitment? I'm not trying to talk you out of rehoming if that's what you want (and as Polly says, the spaniel rescues are very good; IME they often place dogs in foster homes to fully assess them), but it might be worth seeing if you can calm him down.

As PP have said, less exercise rather than more can be effective here. I know a gundog trainer who advised an owner with a manic Vizsla to reduce the daily outings from 3 hrs to 30 mins and to spend those 30 mins mostly on focused training. I have working-line gundogs and they are so much calmer around the house after even 20 mins a day of actual training.

But if you really feel that you are overwhelmed, there is no shame in rehoming, and an 8 month dog with no issues aside from youth and enthusiasm will find a good home very quickly.

If you tell your family that you want to rehome and all they do is guilt trip you but don’t take responsibility for the work, then you’ve made the right decision. Why should you sacrifice your happiness and freedom so other adults can have the warm fuzzies of having a puppy without any of the work?

If they do say they will step up, then hand all responsibility over to them. Give them a deadline, say a month, and if they aren’t doing everything for that puppy in that time then they don’t really want the best for him do they? Puppy would be better off elsewhere.

You’ve tried against your better judgment and it’s not working. Next time you’ll have more confidence to listen to that voice that says no.

These sensitive people who would get upset with you for rehoming can take care of the dog themselves.

@wcsdilemma

I think he would be easy to rehome - it’s just the backlash I know I’ll get. Although the children are grown up we’re a close family and they see this puppy as very much a family dog - a replacement for our elderly dog. I was so foolish to be persuaded. Their attitude will be that we have dogs already so why not this one.

I feel for you Tuppity it’s a huge commitment. Sometimes I feel there’d be less upset if I left rather than the puppy!

Tell them to bugger off unless they are prepared to take the dog on.

Your family have absolutely no say in the matter if they're not doing any of the legwork tho. I think it's very very easy for them to guilt trip you when they're not seeing what the reality is. I don't blame you at all.

Why can’t one of the adult DC take the dog?

If they can’t they can stop being so childish and selfish, expecting you to take on a puppy you cannot cope with,

Please rehome with care (I know you will be thoughtful and vigilant). Your kids need to grow up and see you as a person, not a family service provider.

Oh you poor thing. I think you should rehome him and don’t worry about the guilt. They’ll get over it.

You got to do what’s best for you now.

I have always had spaniels. Our youngest cocker is a very driven working cocker.

Long walks don't help calm them down that much. You get a fit dog, that's still bonkers. Mine get about an hour a day.

But we do, do alot of brain training with ours. We 'work' them on walks. Ensure they are always coming back, the kids hide and then we let the dogs find them etc, lots of activities.

They aren't easy. And honestly, it doesn't sound like you are in a place to take all that on. That's OK.

This dog isn't a family dog. Because you are doing the bulk of the caring. It's absolutely not ok, for your dh or adult children to be outraged at rehoming, when they aren't the ones providing the vast majority of care. If they want to keep the dog, they need to arrange their lives around looking after the dog. Not just expect you to do it all.

Spaniel assist is a really good spaniel rescue, if you do go down that route.

Thank you for all the supportive and helpful messages. Having read through them all I know that I can not continue as things are and I am going to bare my soul this weekend and tell DH exactly how I feel. I am hopeful that he will be supportive and understanding and if that’s the case, then I am going to ask him to speak to the DCs before I do. I need to have him on my side if this is going to be resolved positively. Unfortunately the DC can not take on full responsibility for the puppy as they are both at uni in rented accommodation. And hopefully they will get full time jobs when they finish so that’s not going to be a realistic option. Neither of them are at home at the moment so no day to day help currently.

It was hard tonight, sitting on the sofa with the puppy snuggled up next to me asleep, I just felt so guilty. He looks to me constantly, I want to feel the love I have for my other two but it’s not coming easily. It’s not his fault.

GrumpyMiddleAgedWoman it’s more the case that the thought of being responsible for another dog for the next say 12-15 years fills me with absolute dread. I realise the puppy is full on and being a WCS he is extra full on! But I have the enthusiasm or the will to do it all over again - I’ve spent the last 20 odd years being the main carer for my DCs, current 2 dogs (and the one prior to that who died of old age) not to mention helping out massively with elderly parents on both sides. I just suddenly feel overwhelmed and want to escape from this burden that’s going over and over in my head. I simply don’t want the responsibility because I know it will fall to me as it always has done. When the DCs were younger it was lovely having the dogs around but now it’s mainly me and the dogs in the house every day.

It sounds as if you are clear in your mind that even if this dog calmed down, you're just not up for the commitment. In that case, in fairness to you and the dog, he needs to be rehomed. No judgement from me - he should settle well in a new home, and you deserve not to be cornered by your family.

I hope the conversation with your DH goes well.

Why don't you sign to a service so someone else can take your younger dog out for a long walk with other dogs. Then you can focus more time on the older dogs.

I get op, it is a big commitment and foe a long time. Despite always owning spaniels, our (now) 2 year old is likely to be the last working spaniel we get. We do have a new arrival of a mixed breed (not 100% sure on her breed as rescue again) but by the time these ones have passed my kids will be, probably, mid 20s- early 30s.

I don't think we will get anymore, I will be mid 50s, probably still working and I don't think I could sign up for another long commitment at that point.

There is good supportive advice here and it sounds as though it’s helped you decide that you don’t want the responsibility that comes with 15 years or so of caring for a dog.

Your experience means you’ll know your pup hitting adolescence ups the training need. You’ve had the bulk of your adult life caring for others. That will change but never go away. Put yourself first here. Re-homing via spaniel aid sounds the best solution. Even if one of your family offered to take over, I’d be reluctant to see that as a workable solution. Husband away, long hours, young adult children wrapped up in their own lives. It’d soon be back to you.
Give yourself a break

Op I'm in the same boat as you with my pup . I got pushed in to getting him . Daughter and partner saying I won't have to do hardly anything they will do it all but they have done nothing so I work 15 hours a day in a demanding job got a puppy to look after all house work , dinners , walks , daughter . I'm feeling so overwhelmed. I have contemplated not going home lately and just driving to a hotel just to have time to my self and sleep . I have had 3 hours sleep a night since we had the pup because he woundnt sleep . Also I'm scared of how everyone will turn on me if I rehomed him x

as a professional dog carer may I suggest a daycare place for your puppy? it will give you time with your older dogs space with you and a chance for the pup to interact with other dogs get exercise etc

Feel for you OP.
And if they’re at uni wouldn’t this hopefully be the easiest time as they must be off for the summer so in theory available to help?
Good luck talking to them, Hopefully they’ll be mature enough to understand

I think you're making the right choice, it just sounds as though you no longer feel the love for having a dog in your life, and it is a massive commitment. So it is in the best interests of your pup to find him a new home who can happily give him what he needs and is a better fit for him.

TBH I don't really understand the flack people get for wanting to rehome - all of my dogs have been rescues or rehomes, and we have benefited hugely from having them in our lives and they have been a great fit. OP will do her level best to find the right family, and she knows it is not her. So it is the best thing for the pup's future.
Best of luck OP :-)