My dog and my partner's dog-how can we best navigate this?

[HappyBlueBird]

Any advice welcome.

I've been with my partner about a year. We're relatively long distance (2 hours ish apart) so don't see one another all the time (this is part of the problem I think).

I have a malamute/husky cross.

Partner has a husky.

My dog is quite a lot larger and stronger.

My dog is friendly with a lot of other dogs but has also become aggressive during play on occasion (she's never actually hurt one however). For this reason I now keep her leashed unless I know 100% no other dogs are about.

Her dog is fine with all other dogs very few exceptions.

We can't trust them together really. We've had them mingle with one another on walks, and we've had them in the house together but we have to watch them like hawks. We remove all toys and food to where they can't be seen or got to, to avoid triggers and don't eat around them, we have a gate to keep them apart while they are fed.

We want to move in together eventually. Both dogs are 5 years old so not going anywhere soon (hopefully)!
Both dogs are very clingy to owner-but my dog ADORES my partner and always wants attention from her-my dog will go to her if we're both sitting together for example, try to get strokes from her. Her dog isn't like this with me as much.

A few scenarios of what tends to happen is;

-My dog tries to play with her dog. Her dog is fearful and growls. My dog reacts to the growl and goes for her.
-Her dog snuggles with her or is getting strokes from her, my dog gets jealous and reacts.
-Her dog growls when my dog goes near or passes her and my dog reacts.
-Her dog plays with another dog, my dog wants to join in but I daren't let her just in case.

The above doesn't happen every single time any of the given scenarios happen, but too many times to be safe.
Next time we get together, partner has suggested we let them mingle but muzzle mine as she can do the most damage. I think this may work, but I don't really like the idea of my dog wearing a muzzle especially in this heat. It can't go on like this forever can it?

We walk them together fine, and if we're sitting at one of our houses and they're lying relaxing they're fine but I am always ready to pounce in case something happens.
How would you handle this?

TIA :)

Forgot to add-may be relevant, her dog is a rescue she got at about a year old, my dog was one I hand-reared due to dam rejection, from 6 days old. And obviously they're both highly strung, stubborn breeds.

You'd be well advised to get a properly qualified behaviourist in before they decide they hate each other

Someone APBC or CCAB qualified

@DeathByWalkies

You'd be well advised to get a properly qualified behaviourist in before they decide they hate each other

Someone APBC or CCAB qualified

Thank you-I'll put that to my partner

In fairness, last time we all got together they were mostly absolutely fine 99% of the time especially considering it being so hot so we couldn't tire them out with a long walk (our usual risk minimisation method).

We just had them relaxing together in the garden a lot, but we were definitely on the ball to keep them apart. I'd just like to be able to not have to do that so much.

I think you need professional help.

If your dog is aggressive, this could end very badly.

I don't think you will ever be fully relaxed. By the time you move in these dogs are going to be a bit older, behaviour even more entrenched and tolerating each other short term is very different from living together and it sounds like they don't even 100% tolerate each other now.
Are there any close friends or family who might remind one of them? You could still see them and bear all costs.

I also would recommend getting professional help before anything escalates. Once it goes bad it’s harder to come back from.

I have generally found though I can tell when I bring in a new dog within the first meeting or two whether they are going to gel well enough to live together or not and I wouldn’t be happy having these two together from the behaviour your describing. Your dog sounds like too strong of a character to live with another dog and it also sounds like it’s negatively effecting the more shy one. It’s not fair for the quieter dog to live walking on eggshells IMO.

I also would recommend getting professional help before anything escalates. Once it goes bad it’s harder to come back from.

I think this is a really good point, and OP's dog has already growled and gone for the other one.

We walk them together fine, and if we're sitting at one of our houses and they're lying relaxing they're fine but I am always ready to pounce in case something happens.

You need to relax! Dogs will always pick up on your tension and your dog will naturally try to protect you if you are scared of something kicking off. Let them have a scuffle to figure out the pecking order (which they will need to do) but make sure it's outside so you can turn a hosepipe on them if it gets out of hand.

My friend had a severely dog reactive dog, her partner had a dog. Took time but they are fine together now.
Patience and positive exposure is key

A few things to hurt that will not put either dog at risk.

Rub a cloth on each dog to get their smell on it and then swop with each other. So you have the smell of the other dog on the cloth in your house. When you feed the dogs have the cloth next to the food. - This is good old classical conditioning nice things happen when I smell the other dog. This alone can make a huge difference if done regulary for a couple of weeks.

Always meet outside and as you have been doing parallel walk the dogs make sure they are aware of each other but not reacting at all either positivily or negatively . Walk slowly and calmly over time decrease the distance between the dogs if there is no reaction from either dog. Do not do this for too long.

You have clearly listed some triggers to start with do everything you can to avoid those situations.

So no petting the dog if it makes one jealous etc etc. You need to have several meets that are calm and with little interaction between the dogs. (they will be interacting but I mean with no outward signs of stress or unease) The more meetings you can have like this the more chance you have of them tolerating each other.

However qualified advice in real life may be needed.

a few things that will not hurt!

warmfluffy it could-but I don't think it will as we're so vigilant-but I wish for us to not have to be obvioiusly. It doesn't make for a relaxing life when we're watching them constantly.

Last time, we did relax a lot in the evenings and they'd both just lay down near us-but the moment one of them moves we're on high alert!

northernlurker Did you mean 'rehome'? Otherwise I am not sure what you mean, sorry?

I think them both being bitches is part of the issue-they're both absolutely fine with other male dogs.

maneandfeathers my dog grew up with two other dogs(both sadly deceased) so it isn't as if she's 100% unused to such, I think the main problem is probably partner's dog having a (fearful) growl to warn her off which then triggers her to react :(
I agree it isn't fair on her dog to be scared, and it isn't fair on mine to have to be kept out of the way all the time either.

sarahlou I agree with you definitely. My partner is a lot more experienced with dogs as she used to work in rescue. She's told me this and I am much better than I was, I just really don't want a scrap. However the hosepipe wouldn't work-they're both just too big.

runningfrominsanity that's reassuring! As I've said if we lived nearer to one another and there wasn't large gaps of time between us seeing one another I think it would be far better but unfortunately not something we can change as of yet.

polly thank you-definitely going to try the cloth thing.

They'll quite happily walk right next to one another! We've also sat in pub beer gardens with them both, absolutely fine, we just sat far apart in case we had to pull them away from one another.

Yes, not petting is a key one. We are trying. I've had such easy dogs before that would get along with any dog.

My dog's very 'human focused' although she does have 'friends'. Someone I know from my local has a dog she'll play with for ages, trust her totally with him, and another local woman who walks near me, we let mine and hers off and leave them to tire one another out,no worries at all. This is very different I appreciate.

My partner is confident that we can do it without professional help, although I know she'd be fine to try it if I really wanted to.

PollyRoulson's advice is excellent. Bear in mind you might think your dog is very human focused but she knows waaaay better than you the nuances of another dog's growl and exactly how to react. I remember, some years ago, a very pregnant stray dog adopted us and we watched her raise her puppies. The communication/discipline was direct, uncompromising and had an immediate response.

Trust you dog(s)!!

@Sarahlou63

PollyRoulson's advice is excellent. Bear in mind you might think your dog is very human focused but she knows waaaay better than you the nuances of another dog's growl and exactly how to react. I remember, some years ago, a very pregnant stray dog adopted us and we watched her raise her puppies. The communication/discipline was direct, uncompromising and had an immediate response.

Trust you dog(s)!!

Yes, I will follow that.

I'd love to know more about the stray and her puppies-how sad but lovely.

I would still rather she didn't batter my partner's dog, even if it is the 'correct' reaction in her book

Spoken to Partner who is happy to have a behaviourist but doesn't think we need one

@HappyBlueBird

Spoken to Partner who is happy to have a behaviourist but doesn't think we need one

Your partner is wrong

As with most things in life, prevention is better than cure, and where that's not possible early intervention is far easier than letting issues become entrenched

@HappyBlueBird

Spoken to Partner who is happy to have a behaviourist but doesn't think we need one

Please get a behaviourist.

If you wait until something goes wrong (and from your descriptions, it's only a matter of time) you will be in a much worse position as you will be dealing with two dogs with a fight history.

You want to nip any issues in the bud.

Sorry if you have mentioned but are they both neutered? Undone bitches can apparently fight to the death!!

I'd rather get a behaviourist although I've had bad experiences with them in the past (not making a scrap of difference once, telling me totally normal puppy behaviour was worrying another time)..

Yes they're both spayed. I feel quite strongly about spaying/neutering.