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Coming to terms with putting to sleep my 12 year olds dog to sleep tomorrow

33 replies

Lorddenning1 · 17/05/2021 20:11

My 12 year older Jack Russell has Lymphoma, she has been having Chemo for around 2 months, she has had her good days and bad days, but more recently she has been really ill. For a round a week she has had really bad diarrhoea and sickness and hasn't eaten for a week. She has been staying at the vets all day for 4 days hooked up to IV antibiotics, she was really sad and down and the vet says we may need to talk about putting her to sleep if she doesn't improve, since then she has perked up a bit and started eating again and seems better, not fully herself though. Tomorrow is the day where he will run her bloods and then advise me if she is better. During the chemo journey I made a promise that I would not keep her alive if she is suffering, I constantly worry over her and it's making me really sad, I had no idea it was going to be like this, I was really positive. At this point it's not the cancer that's making her sick, as it's gone, it's the affects of the chemo and her immune system, as it's low due to the chemo, so she is prone to pick up more illnesses. But we cannot stop the chemo as the cancer will return. Seeing her this week has made me realise that we maybe coming to the end and I can't stop crying, I have tried my best and I can't enjoy life as I'm constantly worried about her, it's like a dark cloud hanging over me. Not sure what I am asking really, just a handhold and maybe some good advice. There is a small part of me that is hoping her bloods have improved and she will be ok again.

OP posts:
Lorddenning1 · 27/05/2021 23:21

@KaleSlayer thank you for your kind words, I keep playing the moment over and over in my mind , I wrapped her up in her blanket and when I walked through the car park she was throwing up and I heard a few aww from people that were waiting, she was so ill that morning, and the whole process really of kissing her and stroking her as it happened and watching her eye change, I'm sorry if I'm bringing up sadness for you all but it's quite haunting and I keep replying it over and over, the vet checking saying she has gone and then just breaking down, I was totally unprepared for this, but at the same time it was also peacefully, she didn't even fight it.
I brushed the floor today and at the end when I was ready to put it in the bin I saw a lot of her white hairs and I wanted to keep them, this is the lengths of crazy I am at the moment, washing all the blankets and cleaning up the yard with bleach to get rid of the diarrhoea (sorry there was loads on a daily basis) I felt guilty that I was erasing her memory. I am having her cremated and bring her home, and keeping her in an urn and when my other dog passes away and going to have them in together so they are asleep together as they do every night.
Another bitter sweet moment is we are in the process of building work in our new house and part of that is having a big back garden with a lawn, we have never had a lawn before only a yard, so I was excited for the dogs to spend their retirement on the grass lying in the sun, I wasn't bothered about the kids, just the dogs, but she didn't make the new house. Our room will be downstairs so we are going to put our dogs bed in our room so she doesn't feel alone, at the moment she is downstairs on the house with our dressing gowns curled up asleep with the lamp on, breaks my heart to see her all alone.

OP posts:
Lorddenning1 · 27/05/2021 23:22

Then together 💗💗

Coming to terms with putting to sleep my 12 year olds dog to sleep tomorrow
Coming to terms with putting to sleep my 12 year olds dog to sleep tomorrow
OP posts:
ClingFilmAndGafferTape · 27/05/2021 23:45

OP, I feel how sad you are and I get it. I've been on my hands and knees today picking bits of her fur out of the carpet. A memory box as suggested above sounds like a good idea. I'm going to do that. I'm also going to write a list at the weekend of all her funny ways so I don't forget them. Perhaps you could do that too?

KaleSlayer · 27/05/2021 23:51

Lovely photos. Both such beautiful dogs. ❤️

I totally get the playing it over and over in your mind. All I can say is that for me, that part has faded massively but it took time. I genuinely thought I was never going to get the final days out of my head, I couldn’t sleep properly for weeks, I’d wake up after dozing off for 20 minutes and it would all come rushing back to me. I just couldn’t see life being ‘normal’ or feeling ok ever again. But of course slowly it gets better and the good memories take over. I did sleep downstairs with our other dogs for weeks though, with the TV on as I just couldn’t handle the silence at night time. I totally get the wanting to keep her hairs, I had all sorts of ‘crazy’ thoughts and did all sorts of crazy things. It’s just your brain trying to cope with such a terrible loss. ❤️ It just shows how much you loved her.

That sounds lovely, to keep her ashes and then eventually having them in together. ❤️ Hopefully your other lovely doggie will be with you for many years yet though. Our boys ashes are in the living room, with his photos and his box of things. I still talk to him, give him a kiss and tell him what we’ve all been up to. I felt at peace when we got his ashes, like he was home. I hope you find that too. I just really feel for you. I know how you’re feeling and it’s dreadful. But you gave your girl the best life. The hardest part is over, she’s no longer suffering. And things will get easier to deal with, it’s just all so raw at the moment. ❤️

KaleSlayer · 27/05/2021 23:54

ClingFilmAndGafferTape

So sorry you are going through this too. Flowers We just lovely them so much which is why it’s so painful.

Sitdowncupoftea · 29/05/2021 11:02

Personally I think it far kinder to PTS. You cannot explain to a dog about cancer and chemo. Sorry but having gone through it myself I would not put an elderly dog through it.

Lorddenning1 · 31/05/2021 14:03

@Sitdowncupoftea if you read my whole read you can see what I decided to do.

OP posts:
KaleSlayer · 31/05/2021 19:14

Hi Lorddenning1

How are you doing today?

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