Can I do anything to help struggling friend with puppy?

[TooStressyTooMessy]

I have changed some details as I think this person uses MN and lurks on The Doghouse. Please not too much judgement as none of these decisions were mine. I am just worried and wonder if I can help.

I have a very good friend who now lives a long way away (still in UK). Classic story... she wanted a dog for ages but since she worked full time and lived alone couldn’t do it. Covid meant she now WFH and will do for the forseeable future. So she could get the puppy. Said puppy is now a very lively 6 month old golden retriever.

Friend was hanging on in there, obviously finding it tough but has done training on zoom and independently, frequent walks and attention etc. I think she is just at the absolute exhaustion stage. I am not a dog owner but feel I can relate slightly as it seems very similar to the relentlessness of parenting tiny children. She is shattered and never gets a break. Covid has of course not helped. She doesn’t have many friends and, although rules have changed now, it has been too far for me to visit realistically with Covid rules.

I am now very worried as she has some abdominal medical issues and has been told she might need surgery. So she is ill, tired, has no help and is struggling to even walk the dog.

She is looking into doggy daycare but ones near her are apparently cautious about young puppies. Her parents mean well but are not dog people. I think it’s similar to when you have tiny children and are exhausted. What you need is someone to just take the kids away for a week but of course that doesn’t happen.

I have two children myself, am really not a dog person and can’t offer to take the dog as we have cats who would hate it. I have offered to come and walk the dog but she says really she needs a proper break. I know about the cinnamon trust and borrow my doggy but the dog is pretty lively and I’m not sure suitable for ages.

I feel like a shit friend and am really worried about her now. The dog is loved and cared for but she is on her knees and I think is making her medical issues worse with all the walking she has to do to exercise it.

I am going to organise some online shopping for her so she doesn’t need to do that but could any dog owners advise me of what I could practically do? Does she just have to get through this somehow? I feel I should be going there to take the dog or stay over and help maybe. I am not confident looking after a dog on my own and can’t take it gone due to my cats anyway. Is there anything I can do from a distance or do I just need to be a good friend and leave my kids with my husband and stay a few weekends with her (from 17th May!) so I could then do dog care and dog walks (but is it easy to walk an excitable dog who doesn’t know me?!). Thinking about it maybe the place to start is checking if she has a local dog walker.

Tldr: friend struggling with puppy, can I do anything from miles away?

Yep dog walker, also look at local trainers.

Dog walkers can take the dog our regulary and that will make a huge difference to their energy levels when they are at home.

A 121 with a trainer will also give her management ideas and ways to easily entertain the dog at home when she has limited energy or needs quiet time herself.

It will get better - 6 months and for the next few months are probably the most challenging time for a new dog owner when the dog hits adolescence.

If she is really needing a proper break she could put the dog in kennels or give to a dog boarder. I would hope this would only need to be a short time. She could also speak to the breeder and see if they could have the dog back or a short time.

To help from miles away you could research the dog walker and trainers and give her a list - also send chocolate and wine

Hi, it’s a really tricking one... I feel her pain as do most puppy owners... but if she has persisted with training, the end may be in sight as our 8.5 month old puppy was exhausting up to about 6 months and then started becoming calmer and easier to manage.

Some dog day care people do take puppies from about 6 months old, the one thing you could do would be to contact all the ones in her immediate area to see if any do... or could at least do individual dog walks (I.e. not with other dogs) during the day any maybe as they get used to the dog they might be able to do a weekend or overnight stay...

I wish you and your friend well.. it’s tough.

Thanks both. I will suggest a local dog walker as I am not sure if she has thought of that. It’s hard as when I suggest stuff she is really passive and doesn’t do it. Like, she has done a lot of training but I think now clearly needs 1-2-1 help as suggested but I asked about that today and she said she hadn’t been able to sort it out as doesn’t want zoom sessions (I get it, we are all sick of zoom) and the outdoor ones are only just starting again and she hasn’t had time to organise it. I am worried that she is not doing enough to help herself but at the same time I do understand she is probably too tired and busy to have the headspace to do it.

I could definitely do the research from afar though and it’s good to know about dog walkers doing one on one walks and things maybe getting better after 6 months.

Dog walker or even better would be a dog walker who does daycare as it's often not much more money.

Mine went to daycare as a puppy and he still goes as an adult even though I am WFH full time. It gives me time when I don't need to worry about him and he comes home happy and well exercised.

Get her to join the FB group Golden Retrievers UK, there are loads of really helpful people on there and there might even be someone local to her who can help, I certainly would if she was near me (when/if everyone was comfortable with it)

Daycare definitely seems the way forward then. I think she really needs a break and it would be good for both of them. I have had a quick Google though and some of them seem to talk about the dogs needing to be perfectly behaved to go to them and talk of going in for trials to see if they will be accepted???!!! But surely no puppy will ever be perfectly behaved?

The Facebook group seems a good idea thank you. She doesn’t really use Facebook but she does have an account so I will definitely suggest this. Are those sort of groups supportive rather than just for those who love dogs and want to gush about them? I suppose I am thinking of parenting groups on there. I tend to hang out in the ‘parenting can be shit but we get through it and see the love and the funny side’ groups rather than the ‘all children are angels and we enjoy every second group’ .

Google though and some of them seem to talk about the dogs needing to be perfectly behaved to go to them and talk of going in for trials to see if they will be accepted???!!! But surely no puppy will ever be perfectly behaved?

I use a primary daycare and backup daycare settings. It is important to have a trial period to make sure you, the dog and they are all happy. Some dogs simply don't get on well with other dogs or they don't like the particular environment.

It’s Golden Retrievers GB Original in fact

And it is very supportive in terms of advice and in some cases practical help.
There are pictures of the dogs doing funny things etc too but the advice is great

We had a golden retriever and they are gorgeous but such a lot of work. We needed to take them for at least a 3 hour walk a day, off lead with loads of playing/new places and lots of entertainment at home. A dog walker or borrow my dog could help. Also use stuffed then frozen Kong's to feed them as it takes much longer to eat and uses up some (endless) energy.

Funny pictures sounds fine .

Ah yes I see the need for a trial, it just sounded like a test that I fear the puppy will fail but hopefully I am being pessimistic.

I think she really needs a dog walker, day care and, if things get really bad, kennels set up. So far she has none of these .

She does have Kongs so I will double check that she is using frozen food in them.

What about the Cinnamon Trust? I think they can offer help in situations like this or perhaps Borrow my Doggie? My niece was desperate for a dog but due to work she wasn't able to have one of her own. She used the Borrow my Doggie site and used to walk a lovely dog for a young family who were struggling. She did this for a couple of years. It worked perfectly.

Thanks I will look into both of these. I suppose (maybe wrongly) I was worried about approaching the Cinnamon trust as it does sound very much ‘lockdown puppy gone wrong’ but she wasn’t ill when she got the dog. I suppose they can only say no so it’s worth a try. Borrow my doggy also sounds a great idea.

My problem is I have suggested quite a few things like this and even done the initial research but then when it comes to it she doesn’t sign up / engage. I do get it, I can emphasise with the overwhelmed feeling as it is exactly how I felt as a new mum and people’s suggestions often did not feel helpful. Short of taking the dog though which is not an option for me I don’t know what else I can do but suggest things. I have been given some great things to think about on this thread so thank you.

My friend who is on her own with a puppy from lockdown 1 has found an amazing local couple on borrow my doggy who take her dog sometimes at weekends as the dog has struggled with separation anxiety. The arrangement is working brilliantly for all parties including the pup. My friend did meet a few people first and did walks with the couple for a while before leaving the pup with them but it’s such a success.

I’m doing some dog training with my young dog at the moment - the most basic and easy thing is teaching them to sit and stay for 30 mins at a time - and it tires them out too!!
So suggest that she pops a lead on and then ask the dog to sit or lay down and every time they move correct them, but calmly, no negative energy just a ‘sit’ and a correct ‘no’ when it moves.
Then progress this to areas where there’s lots going on, make the dog sit and stay and watch.
It’s calming my dogs down massively, it seems to tire them out as they’re concentrating and stops the urges the young pup has for being into everything!

Thanks, more useful advice. I will try to suggest all these things. It is definitely the ‘into everything’ that she’s struggling with. As an outsider I can clearly see she is struggling to do it all on her own and just need some outside help which is nothing to be ashamed of. I think she thinks she is failing at everything and then doesn’t want to ask for help. As I say, I can totally relate to that feeling of wanting to look as if you can manage but I fear she is now at the stage where she can’t. She essentially has had no break in 6 months (her parents have visited once allowed but as I say they are not people who could take the dog out alone).

I think I am going to make a list of all your suggestions and email them to her.

I’ll definitely ask if she is doing that sort of training. I know she is training sit and stay but not sure how she is doing it and not sure if it is for very long. I have learned something today then as I didn’t realise sitting tired them out - I thought the opposite!

Is she crate training the dog? That might also be helpful for some quiet time? We didn't do this as we had big enough back yard for a dog run but we had golden retrievers growing up. they are the perfect family dog but my DM either worked part time or was at home and four children exhaust a dog very quickly plus they could always be put in the run if needed.

Just want to say you sound such a lovely, kind and understanding friend OP.

I can’t recommend a dog walker enough. We had one before lockdown but since we’ve both been working from home from the last year, we’ve kept the dog walker because it provides a lot of socialisation and routine for our dogs. I also think it’s a good idea for your dog to be obedient to other people, not just you. You want one that is insured and has doggy first aid. Dog walkers do different types of walks, some will do solo walks, some will do pack walks. Our dog walker does a mixture of both, depending on what the dog needs. On the first few walks, the dog should be walked solo then the walker can work out the dog’s personality. It might be best that they need some one-on-one time or that they need some pack walks. Our dogs do best with a pack walk, getting that socialisation with other dogs. There is another dog that our dog walker walks that doesn’t want socialisation so he is walked solo.

Doggy daycare has its advantages but it does depend on the dog’s personality. We only send our dogs to doggy daycare if we absolutely have to because they just don’t switch off and will play all day. They are completely knackered when they get home from daycare but are actually too tired, they don’t want to be groomed for example. Their obedience declines if they’ve spent a couple of days at daycare, so we try to limit that. Obviously this is going to depend on the type of daycare and the personality of the dog. Daycare might just be too much.

Some dog walkers also do dog sitting for a week or so. So you can find a dog walker that also does dog sitting and give your friend a rest for a week or two.

One to one training has been continuing throughout lockdown for behavioural issues. Training is very tiring and if she isn’t feeling well, it’s draining. The advantage is that you have a very tired dog too so you can both nap after! Our trainer can take a dog into their home for a short time to work on some behaviour issues and will show the owner what they’ve done. As PP have said, the cinnamon trust might also be able to help. In the short term she might just need a week or two and longer term a dog walker.

You could also send things like food puzzle toys or snuzzle mats. You can find these on Amazon. Your friend can use the dog’s food in these and the dog will need to use their brain to find the food. Very tiring for the dog without requiring much from your friend. With our youngest dog, I just sit on the floor and hold the toy to stop him picking it up and throwing it around or that he’s not chewing bits he shouldn’t be in a frustration to get to the food. Frozen kongs don’t have to use frozen food, you just freeze then after you’ve made them up. So you can stuff them with dog peanut butter or mashed banana and then freeze it until you need it. We used to use some kibble, pour some boiled then slightly cooled water over it, let it soften and then mash it. It’s good for filling the kongs without being too fattening but it really stinks! I’ve also used grated carrot.

Thanks again. I will have a look on Amazon and it sounds as if I really need to push the dog walker idea. This might be the easiest thing to set up which then might give breathing space for her to look into all the other things.

SirVix thank you . I really don’t think I am though. I know what she needs is for someone to temporarily take the dog in. But I can’t take the dog into my house with our cats. So really I should visit but it’s too far to do in a day and I think she needs a few days respite really. So I would have to give up a few weekends in a row and go and stay. I feel so guilty that I don’t really want to do that. Plus I am really under confident with dogs and honestly would be scared to walk a 6 month old dog who has never met me and whose behaviour sounds tricky to manage. I’m not scared of being hurt but would be very concerned that I would not be able to manage the dog and it would run off etc.

Also in the back of my mind is the fact that my whole family want a dog so actually I should do this to get some experience.

It’s so clear now that she needs to get a dog walker ASAP while also having day care as an option. I don’t even know if she has contacted any walkers. Will try again with her. So difficult without appearing to be critical and I am very wary of giving unwanted advice. My own parents are the experts at unsolicited advice and it is so draining and undermining so I am super wary of ever giving any unless asked for it, especially on a subject I know nothing about!

I think I will try to find her a list of local dog walkers.

Sell the dog walker from a dog welfare point of view. All puppies are rude. They learn politeness from other dogs telling them off when they’re rude. Aside from learning how things work point of view, it’s such great socialisation for them. Our dog walker stopped for a time during lockdown and our dog became so depressed. Their walks with the dog walker are so important to them and as long as I can afford it, my dogs will continue with the walker even if I’m at home.

Don’t feel bad like a bad friend because you can’t take the dog. Knowing your limitations is important with a dog. You can speak with a trainer if you choose to take the dog for a while. Part of training is being consistent but also confident.

Another thing to consider if you took her dog is that you say you live a way from your friend. We try to stop every 2 hours if we are doing a long drive with the dogs. Give them a chance to stretch their legs and go to the toilet. DH and I will also go to the toilet while we stop and each stop takes about 15 minutes as we take it in turns to go into the services while the other watches the dogs. So your long drive might become a longer drive than usual.

That is a good idea to sell it that way.

I’m not taking the dog. I absolutely know my limitations and am not ready for dog ownership / fostering. As you say the journey times are too long so I would need to stay at her house / a hotel and I’m not sure how realistic it is. Will start with focusing on a dog walker.