To feel this way about my previously adored dogs?

[nolongeradogperson]

I'm going to preface this by saying I know this is entirely awful and I feel HORRIBLE about it. You probably can't make me feel any worse than I already do!

Since having baby DD mid pandemic, a hugely traumatic labour where I nearly died in childbirth and was very ill afterwards and quickly developed PND and PTSD, I just don't feel the same about my two lovely dogs.

I resent the extra work they create, the hair, the noise, the mess etc. It takes me away from time spent with DD, and also prevents me from having a moment to MYSELF, whilst adding to my already enormous workload.

I spent a lot of time actively training them since puppyhood - they are v well behaved on the face of it, they are doing nothing wrong. I'd never neglect them - they are fed, walked, indoors, have plenty of toys and my DH gives them lots of attention, but I feel as if I wouldn't be sad if they just went away one day, which kills me to say. When they come up to me at the end of the day when DD is in bed wanting attention or fuss I just feel like I have absolutely nothing to give them.

Will this change? DD is five months old and I desperately want to start loving them the way I did before! I don't know what has changed within me, and I wonder if anyone has experienced this?

My dog was my baby before I finally had DS.

New babies are very hard work and, as DH worked long hours, I found myself struggling and I became quite germ phobic so the hair, slobber etc bothered me around DS for a while.
DS must have been a similar age to your DD when we briefly considered if re homing would be the best option. Someone actually said they were keen for our breed of dog, so they borrowed our dog for 2 nights. We missed her dreadfully and knew we couldn’t part with her.

It got a lot easier once we were better practiced with DS and more relaxed. We had an amazing time with DS & our dog. We were out rain, sleet or shine every day for long walks & picnics (flasks of soup or hot chocolate in the winter) and I am so glad we had our girl. She definitely enriched all our lives. It will get easier. I’m sorry motherhood had such a traumatic start for you. I hope things get easier for you soon

I haven`t experienced it myself, but I am a surgeon, and I have seen lots of women who feel the same after traumatic births about their pets, husbands, DC, even their homes, and in my experience its the PND and PTSD talking.

Although its how you feel at the moment, and its important to acknowledge and accept those feelings, its highly unlikely to be representative of how you will feel once you have come out the other side of the PND and PTSD.

You have just gone through a huge life change, and enormous trauma, try to be gentle with yourself. I`m not sure if you have already, but its well worth speaking to someone who specialises in helping women with PTSD and PND, and there are a lot of online support groups too which may help .

It sounds like you are doing absolutely fine, we can all be our own worst enemies by putting far too much pressure on ourselves. Things will be chaotic for quite a while, but try to ease off on the non essential stuff if you can to give yourself a bit more breathing room.

It takes a lot longer to truly recover from pregnancy and birth than people expect, try to be gentle with yourself, and try and make sure you aren`t deficient in any vitamins or minerals - that is something that often goes unnoticed but can make a huge difference very quickly to how you feel.

Take care of yourself and congratulations on your DD

Can you afford a dog Walker?

Another thing, once I was up to it physically, I carried all my DC in slings, which made juggling baby, dogs, bags, life and all so much easier. I had a pretty big gap between my eldest and middle child too, which also helped a lot.

I actually felt that way about my husband for some time after my difficult birth. It's worth talking about it openly, don't be ashamed, you're early days yet (even if you don't feel it) and you're still doing everything right.

Aaaaaand another thing...I used to stick the baby in the sling around the house while I trained the dogs, sent emails, did housework, anything really. All my DC were much happier and more settled being carried, and so it made everything feel calmer and less fraught. Then after work DH would swap to being pack mule supreme and wearing the sling so that I got a break.

Before long your dc will start to notice ddogs and get excited. Ime nothing as amazing as seeing a bond develop between all of your precious babies..
My ds 6 absolutely adores our ddogs (who are older than him). The feeling is definitely mutual. They all enjoy a bedtime story together every night..
Take pride in your well trained ddogs and what they can indeed offer your dc - a relationship to last a lifetime..

Thank you all for your lovely comments and for not making me feel like a total monster!

@HaveITheRightToHoldYou I feel so relieved knowing I'm not alone! When DD is rolling around the floor and comes up with hairs on her clothes I just feel so upset for some reason. I know it's irrational but I can't stand it. I notice these things more than ever before and of course it's harder than ever to Hoover as regularly (although I do it daily anyway)!

What gives me hope is your stories of fun times with your DC and Ddog. One of my dogs is so gentle and motherly with DD and maybe when she gets older and starts enjoying them I'll start seeing them through her eyes and it'll bring that bond back?

Thanks @PoleToPole, that helps! Maybe it is connected - in fact I'd imagine it completely is. And I do feel this way often about my DH. It's almost like I just hate everybody! I have had some support from the perinatal MH team, but it stopped some time ago and I went back on medication and felt more able to function! My bond with DD is incredible now, but seemingly I don't have one with anyone else!  I will definitely consider deficiencies actually, I had a severe PPH with multiple transfusions etc. and I had to have iron infusions in pregnancy too so have been significantly deficient at times.

don't think it helps that DH works 12 hour days and I'm alone with no one and nowhere to go and have been for so long. My own mother is dying to add to it all and my other family are all in other various bubbles etc. so I am literally totally alone.

@Namechange2020lalala we did have one but I think she was struggling since most people were homeworking and didn't need her anymore so she had lost a lot of client and found employment. Will have to find another one, will speak to DH. Would definitely help.

@OverTheRubicon thank you - really. I feel better already. And I also often feel this way about DH too?!

Still besties 5 years later...

Also pets are great for kids' immune systems, apparently

Everything will fall into place. You're in the thick of it at the moment. 5 months of sleep deprivation is brutal. You've been through a really difficult time by the sounds of it. If you can push through then you'll reap the rewards further down the line. As a pp said, I felt the same about DH when DS was born. I didn't want to talk to him or hug him or snuggle up with him because at the end of a day with our newborn DS I had absolutely nothing left to give anyone. It does get better though.

Hi, I also experienced PND and PTSD. I was very mentally unwell for about 18 months or so after giving birth.
I felt exactly the same- even to a point where I had my pet booked in at a rescue centre. I was very much ready to give him up.

However I bottled it. 6 years later I look back horrified at what I did.
I absolutely love my pet now and wouldn’t want to be without him.

It’s very hard at first. Once your in a routine with everything I promise it will get better

I haven’t felt like that about pets but felt like it towards dh after having dd1 🤣, babies are exhausting and anything that adds to the work load can be annoying.

It’s Mother Nature OP it happens to just about every new mum I bet. I couldn’t give my DH any love for first few months of my baby’s birth, and I even wanted breaks from my 3 yr old when I had second baby and felt completely mean for feeling this way. The cat I had previously adored became a blessed nuisance at end of day when wanted to jump on my lap for a fuss and I had nothing left to give, just wanted some space once kids in bed (I looked after her , all her basic needs btw, she wasnt neglected). You need a break clearly, but covid just gets in the way - unless you have a family member or friend who would enjoy helping out with dogs , walking or having round theirs for day? They might enjoy some doggie company as something different in their week.

@Lockdownlovernotfromliverpool

Still besties 5 years later...

NOW they're besties. Back then though, I bet the thinking was just "Mmm. Warm. Soft. Smells of poo." Ticks all the sighthound boxes. Notice the head positioned to get maximum benefit.

Blimey OP, cut yourself a bit of slack. Give yourself a huge pat on the back, because life is miserable at the moment even without adding a traumatic birth and imminent bereavement into the mix.

Please be kind to yourself, you have had a massive trauma and life change, NOTHING prepares us for pregnancy and childbirth, particularly when it goes horribly wrong.
I had severe prenatal depression and it floored me, despite being desperate for a baby, l hated myself, bump, DH, you name it! and yes my beloved Ddog.
After birth l was fine, back to normal in 24 hours..go figure, hormones are very powerful and can make you feel as though you do not love the very things you most love, ie your Ddog.(and DH)

Acceptance is the way to go, accept you may feel like this for some time, that's ok.
Accept it is not the normal 'you', but that you will return in time and thats ok too.
Remember babies get so much easier and more fun as they get older, you get much less tired and touched out as they are less clingy.
( now l am desperate for a hug from my 13 and 14 year olds !)
Your dogs are well cared for and l am sure in time you will feel that lovely bond again.

@PoleToPole

I haven`t experienced it myself, but I am a surgeon, and I have seen lots of women who feel the same after traumatic births about their pets, husbands, DC, even their homes, and in my experience its the PND and PTSD talking.

Although its how you feel at the moment, and its important to acknowledge and accept those feelings, its highly unlikely to be representative of how you will feel once you have come out the other side of the PND and PTSD.

You have just gone through a huge life change, and enormous trauma, try to be gentle with yourself. I`m not sure if you have already, but its well worth speaking to someone who specialises in helping women with PTSD and PND, and there are a lot of online support groups too which may help .

It sounds like you are doing absolutely fine, we can all be our own worst enemies by putting far too much pressure on ourselves. Things will be chaotic for quite a while, but try to ease off on the non essential stuff if you can to give yourself a bit more breathing room.

It takes a lot longer to truly recover from pregnancy and birth than people expect, try to be gentle with yourself, and try and make sure you aren`t deficient in any vitamins or minerals - that is something that often goes unnoticed but can make a huge difference very quickly to how you feel.

Take care of yourself and congratulations on your DD

There is so much sense and compassion in this post.