New puppy, really struggling

[MmeCitron]

I’m sorry, I know this topic has been done multiple times but I’m really struggling and could do with some help if anyone has a minute to spare.

Husband and I brought our new puppy home on Friday and I’m not coping very well at all. She was very much planned, we’d been on a waiting list etc. and we’d wanted a dog literally for years. I’ve always loved dogs, had one growing up who only died about five years ago and I loved her more than anything. Now, though... New puppy is actually pretty good as far as puppies go but I’m crying constantly (proper mad weeping crying) and feel as though we’ve made a huge mistake. I knew there would be whimpering, chewing, pooping and all the normal pup stuff but now she’s actually here I feel like it’s all too much. All I can see is the ways my life isn’t the same and all the months of work ahead and suddenly I’m questioning if I even want a dog, which is upsetting in itself as I’ve always loved them.

My mental health is precarious at the best of times (anxiety and depression) and I feel as though I’ve been plunged back into a state I dreaded going back to. I’m not working at the moment following cancer treatment and husband has gone back to work full time so I’m alone in the house all day with no support network as we live far away from family. When my husband is at home he’s great, totally pulling his weight and we’re a good team but out of necessity it’s me doing most stuff at the moment and I’m just... not well. My husband is very supportive and understanding of my mental health but has said that if pup goes back to her breeder then we won’t try again as it isn’t fair on any of us, least of all a puppy that hasn’t done anything wrong.

Sorry this is so long. I don’t really know what anyone can say - I just see days stretching ahead of being sad, stressed and lonely and trapped with a decision I thought we were prepared for but apparently not. I feel sick, I shake all the time and I can’t eat or sleep. Please, if anyone can help I’d be so grateful. I don’t know what to do.

The puppy blues are a very real thing. I was on here several times in the first few weeks wanting to send the dog back.

All I can say is it does get easier. Particularly when the puppy can go out properly.

There's a facebook group called Dog Training Advice and support that has some really good ideas for puppy training.

But it is exhausting.

I didn't even really like the puppy for the first few weeks.

She's 10 months old now, adorable, cuddly, well behaved, house trained and much much loved. I'm so glad we kept her. It really does get easier and better.

If there's anything in particular you are struggling with then do ask.

One afternoon I paid a local dog walker to come round and look after the puppy so I could catch up on sleep - another time so I could get my hair done. Would that help?

I would return her to the breeder if you feel that bad, puppies obviously aren’t for you

It will get better. The first few days of having a puppy are genuinely awful. You're adjusting and the puppy is adjusting, and it's incredibly stressful. We definitely had the feeling of "What have we done...?"

There are practical things you can do. Does the puppy have a Kong?
You can fill it with food (banana, peanut butter, yoghurt, bits of kibble), freeze it, and then give it to the pup when you want some downtime.

Do you have a crate?

Also, things get (hugely, wildly) better once you can take her/him for walks. Playing in the house can only burn off so much energy.

Doing training around the house will also tire the puppy out and will bode well for the future. Sit, stay and come here are all really useful.

Also, your husband needs to take over when he gets in from work, to give you some time to do your own thing, unwind etc.

It feels awful now, but actually everything is on fast-motion with a dog. This stage will go very quickly. I think it also doesn't help that when the puppy first arrives, while you might want to do your best for it, you don't really love it yet. That takes a few weeks to come, I think. In a few months though, you'll have a dog that isn't nearly as daft and who you really love and who really loves you, and is bonded to you, and it will be worth it. Good luck.

Best advice my breeder gave me - if your puppy does a wee or a poo in the house then it's the humans fault for not taking them out enough.

Make sure you're taking them out for wees or poos literally every 20 mins.

Absolutely get a crate (if you haven't) and make it their safe space. Give them loads of treats and praise when they're in there. Leave the door open for them to sleep and relax during the day. We gave our puppy his breakfast and tea in his crate as well so it was always associated with happy thoughts.

Puppies chew, range inevitable, but swap your hands/slippers for an exciting toy every time.

They also grow very very fast. They won't be a puppy for long, if that helps you with your feeling of inevitableness.

Dogs are brilliant for mental and physical health once you can build up their walking stamina. Fresh air, exploring new areas, the social side of it.

Keep going, it'll get better x

When you take the puppy to the spending area - every 20 mins & after playing session, before food etc etc

Anyway, when the puppy does something outside say a word (one that you never say any other time like a name from your school time or from a film/TV or a name from a book - GLADYS or ETHEL or DOUGAL)

Every time the puppy does something outside calmly say your chosen word as the puppy is weeing or pooing outside

After it has finished get so over excited and over the top like the puppy doing something outside is such an exciting thing for it to do you can even clap

This way it will associate going outside is such an exciting thing for you and that it makes you so happy

Have a small fenced off area as a spending pen next to the back door to make it easy for you

Also the smell of previous poos and wees on the concrete will help with association - you can clean the spending pen afterwards

You can get BIOLOGICAL washing liquid to clean up in he house to get the smell away - clean it up very calmly in the house like it is so boring

Deffo get a crate and a safe calm area for the puppy

Put a small blanket over it at night time to make it like a den

Get some puppy/toddler gates to restrict where the puppy can go when you are in a house with it - like kitchen and hall while you are in there then in sitting room when you are in there etc etc

doing most stuff at the moment and I’m just... not well

Puppies are hard work and when you first get them they do need 100% attention and time. This must be incredible difficult if you are not well yourself. Can you work out if this is how you will feel all the time or in a week your health may be more able to cope? There is no shame in being ill and not able to deal with a puppy however the sooner you return it to the breeder the better for the puppy.

You OH may say that you will not try again but if you feel better then maybe there will be a better time to have a puppy.

Equally a lot of people do feel overwhelmed by having a new puppy, worry they are doing things wrong, find the relentless goingout for a wee, keeping an eye on the puppy wearing but this phase will pass and in some dogs it gets easier sooner rather than later. Can you contact a local trainer to come to you to help you with strategies to make this stage easier for you and to offer support?

Just re asses what you are doing and form a routine, work, play sleep food that sort of thing, so the dog knows what to do when.
Responsible breeders will help you just ask

Perhaps an older dog would be a better fit for you.

Deep breath! 2gat you're eperienci g us normal. It's the realisation that your life is going to change aot more than you'd imagined, most likely because you focused on the positive and ignore it downgraded the not so good.

You are going through anormal transition of change that brings on a sense of anxiety. Don't fight it, just embrace it in the knowledge that it is normal.

I'm a very mentally stabled person and I too went through that 'what have we done' phase and feeling overwhelmed. That was due to adjusting to not having the freedom that I'd finally got back when my kids became older teenagers.

The good news is that your new life with your puppy will become your new normality before you know it. You need to give it a bit longer.

The way I look at it now, at 7 months(but have since pupoy was about 4 months) is that it's like having a toddler, with all the great things that come with it (affection, cuddles, devoted unconditional love, fun etc...) but without the worse of the negatives (horrible tantrums, nights disturbed, the constant questions, and still able to go out on your own if not for a long time).

Stop questioning yourself how you feel about it. Just get in with it in the security that it will really get better and your puppy will fit in your life to the point of not being able to imagine happy one without them.

I felt exactly the same when I first brought my dog home! If they came home Friday then you’re still in the first week which is so overwhelming. I remember crying my eyes out one morning because I wanted to go and make myself a coffee and I couldn’t even do that because she’d cry if I left her for a second. I really did think I’d have to send her back and wouldn’t cope at first. It helped me to remember that they’re adjusting too - they’re away from their Mum and the rest of the litter in a new place with new smells and so will be unsettled at first. It does get so much easier, I spent the first week sleeping on the floor with the puppy and getting up three times in the night because it was the only way I could get any sleep!

She’d chew, bite me, have accidents and cry as soon as I left her. She’s just had her first birthday and is absolutely perfect now - cuddly and so much fun. She’s my little best friend and actually really helps me with my mental health now.

Once your puppy is fully vaccinated you could have a look at puppy training classes - I know the ones by me are still going and doing sessions socially distanced outdoors. I found those really helpful for training but also to meet other new puppy parents, it was so nice to hear that everyone else was having the same problems! Could be a nice way to make some friends as well.

In the meantime, before mine had her injections I used to take her on a ‘walk’ and carry her - just so she could see things/smell outside and give me a bit of a break from the house.

Good luck! They don’t stay this little for long, take lots of pictures!

When we got our first puppy I was severely depressed and home alone like you. I was utterly miserable for the first few months. Almost every day when my DH came home he found me crying.

Now he is our baby (I'm allowed to say that as we dont have kids! 😆) And an absolute joy, he makes us laugh every single day, even when he is being difficult.

If I had another puppy now I would do two things very differently:

Not everything has to be perfect, you're not going to screw up the puppy forever if you don't do everything by the book. Follow your instincts and don't worry too much!

Socialize socialize socialize! I know with Covid its hard but hopefully there are puppy groups still around you where you can socialize him safely. If not, then exercise. A tired puppy is a good puppy, and a big long walk or a long play session with other doga will solve a lot of behavioral problems and will help you stay calm as well.

The most important thing to remember is that it will be over soon. Adolescent dogs have their own challenges but not as emotionally draining as a puppy imo.

I wasn't prepared for the huge emotional reaction I suffered when we got our puppy. It really knocked me for six.

It wasn't actually a problem with the practical aspects, although being overtired from the night waking didn't help. I think it was caused by the sudden change in dynamic in my family. After being a little team of three for 11 years everything was suddenly completely different and I just felt really sad, like I had lost something. I even actually hoped for a while that DH would find he was allergic to the puppy and we would have to return him

I can only say the feeling did pass - once I started feeling the benefits of dog ownership: meeting new fellow dog owning people when out walking in the park and footpaths and at puppy classes, being forced out into the fresh air and beautiful nature twice a day every day (I've created an album of photos I've been taking through the changing seasons and it makes me happy to just browse through them when my mood is low), and then there's the unconditional love dpuppy shows to me, DS and DH.

Now, as the training has taken effect, dpuppy has grown into a lovely little dog and I'm getting used to the new shape of our family.

I don't know if what I'm saying is much help to you, it must be really hard if your mental health is already precarious. Maybe it would help if your DH can give you chances to spend a little time each day on your own without the puppy. Just some time when you are completely off duty and don't have to give him any head (or physical) space.

Good luck. And don't feel guilty about how you feel right now, you can't help your emotions

I am in the same boat, and glad to have found this thread!
Ours is almost 4 months now, so had him for 2 months and at the start everything was fine, I work from home so was able to be with him throughout the day and toilet training came naturally.
Around 3 weeks of having him, I found out I was pregnant, and was diagnosed with hyperemis and oh my goodness all I want to do is cry and get rid of him. I have no mental or physical capacity to do anything above bare minimum during the day, let alone look after a puppy (not to mention the smell of him and his food has me gagging).

My partner has been really good with him on the evenings, but he has to look after me too, so it's taking a strain on us all. I've raised rehoming a few times but we don't want to give up on him yet, as its really not his fault. It's just so bloody hard!

I feel exactly the same. Our pup is just over 11 weeks, so been with us for 2 and a half weeks. The first week I think I was in shock and felt trapped,( I've got teenagers). Second week seemed more settled, this week she's confident and needs lots more stimulation but can't go for a walk yet and I'm wobbling again. I'm trying to ride the rollercoaster, but it's hard. I'm most worried that we will do things wrong and end up with behaviour problems, I so want a lovely calm adult dog that I think I'm panicking over every little thing now. This is so hard

I haven't read the replies, only your post.

I think you should take the puppy back to the breeder while she's only been with you for a few days.

I think you're currently too fragile to be dealing with a puppy. I think they take more than you have to give at the minute.

Talk to DH and just explain how you're feeling. Yes it's sad, but puppies are hard work for a long time! There's no quick fix.

In time you could look at a rescue dog (not puppy)

You need to look after yourself & get well 🌷

@Islandsinthestream1

I feel exactly the same. Our pup is just over 11 weeks, so been with us for 2 and a half weeks. The first week I think I was in shock and felt trapped,( I've got teenagers). Second week seemed more settled, this week she's confident and needs lots more stimulation but can't go for a walk yet and I'm wobbling again. I'm trying to ride the rollercoaster, but it's hard. I'm most worried that we will do things wrong and end up with behaviour problems, I so want a lovely calm adult dog that I think I'm panicking over every little thing now. This is so hard

I remember this stage as well. Our puppy was always coming up with new bad behaviours. I would constantly Google them and find all sorts of websites all saying different things and warning of dire consequences if you didn't do exactly what they said. I would torture myself over which advice to follow and was convinced we were going to end up with a really awful dog that would have really awful behaviour.

While training is important, I think it's also important not to catastrophise, and to know that a few mistakes or unorthodox approaches on your part aren't going to turn the dog into some sort of hooligan

Collidascope, thanks for that, I need to bear it in mind! Lack of sleep and a tendency to over-research and get anxious are definitely not helping - I've realised I need to chill out a bit. I think I'm in shock a bit, really - puppies are bloody hard work. I've had dogs before but not puppies - whole different ball game.

OP, I'm sorry. . I wanted to say that I think either sending her back or rehoming her or keeping her and ploughing on will probably all work out okay in the end, so please try not to agonise too much over the situation.

Nobody would blame you for looking after yourself right now. Equally, it might get better and bring you pleasure - maybe you could use a bit of extra help? With the puppy, and/or your mental health?

Puppies are really hard work OP, I don’t think anyone finds puppy days a breeze. Most owners think what have I done, I know I certainly did.

But the good news is it will get easier, stick with it, it’s still very early days.

Have you anyone that can help you during the day? You need to rest & eat that is important.

My puppy was really hard work but when we got through the first 18mths he was a truly lovely dog, we were devastated when we lost him at 13yrs, no regrets, he was adorable. And you dog will be too.

Good luck OP with whatever you decide, try not to feel overwhelmed, get some sleep and take one day at a time.

We had lots of puppies when I was growing up. Now having a 9 month adolescent of my own, I realise that I knew nothing of the work involved - that fell squarely on my parents' shoulders.

I'm a 'dog person' but I've had moments - and expect to have more - where I wonder, what on earth have we done.

Ultimately I suspect that doing what is right for you will also be what is right for the puppy. Whatever you decide.

Generally we have pets to enhance our lives, and if this isn't working for you overall, it won't be working as well as it might for the pup either.

In your heart of hearts, do you think this could get better - remembering that puppies test even the best of us.

Puppy blues is awful and is a genuine thing. We got our puppy in August 2019 and I hated my life and was very emotional for a few months. It really hit me hard and couldn't understand why no one felt the same way. I then started reading ALL the puppy threads going back a few years and finally felt like there are people going through the same thing. I also hated it when people said "I wouldn't have my puppy any other way, I couldn't imagine my life without my dog" and now I am one of those people. A puppy does take over your life and it will take months and months to adjust but you will get there. It just takes time.....put in the ground work now and you will have a well adjusted family dog

@EthelTheGoose

I am in the same boat, and glad to have found this thread! Ours is almost 4 months now, so had him for 2 months and at the start everything was fine, I work from home so was able to be with him throughout the day and toilet training came naturally. Around 3 weeks of having him, I found out I was pregnant, and was diagnosed with hyperemis and oh my goodness all I want to do is cry and get rid of him. I have no mental or physical capacity to do anything above bare minimum during the day, let alone look after a puppy (not to mention the smell of him and his food has me gagging).

My partner has been really good with him on the evenings, but he has to look after me too, so it's taking a strain on us all. I've raised rehoming a few times but we don't want to give up on him yet, as its really not his fault. It's just so bloody hard!

Oh @EthelTheGoose, poor you. I had hyperemesis with both my pregnancies and can not imagine trying to cope with that and my puppy. Hope you start to feel better soon.

@MmeCitron Really sorry things are so hard. As everyone else has said please don't be too hard on yourself, puppies are incredibly hard work and even tougher when you're coping with other life challenges too.

We're 3 months in now and she's 5.5 months old but I'm still waiting for it to get better. The "what have we done" thoughts are pretty constant. Everyone tells me she's a lovely dog but I'm still struggling to see past the disruption and feeling trapped. I thought I was prepared and would be fine and totally prepared to put in all the hard work for the benefits later on, but it's just far worse than I imagined.

I'm a worrier and suffer from mild anxiety and that has definitely got worse since having the puppy. Have a permanent feeling of low level anxiety about things not being right and am sure that's dog related. I wasn't expecting that at all. People always say dogs are good for mental health and dog owners are happier.... am really hoping that kicks in at some point! Not feeling it at the moment.

We've started working with a trainer 1-1 to address some of the biggest challenges we're having - mostly around her being a velcro puppy and not coping if she's on her own at all.

It's definitely a challenge. Sorry I don't seem to have offered any positive advice. Just to say you are definitely not alone.

Take care