(TW) Am I a terrible person for wanting to rehome our dog?

[CantCope2020]

NC.

We got a 6 month old cross breed during lockdown. We were homechecked in feb but due to lockdown only received our dog at the end of May.

We knew he had issues to work through (toilet training, no basic training at all). We didn’t know he was reactive to strangers and nervous with other dogs, which we’ve worked through. Separation anxiety which again we’ve been building up and working with (I previously worked from home so when we were looking to get a dog they wouldn’t have been an issues).

However in the past 2 weeks he has began to show real signs of aggression. Food aggression when we gave him a high value chews. We had worked with the chews, following training on taking away etc. However one night he just turned and if he wasn’t on a lead he would have seriously injured me or my partner. (No kids). We worked the the charity we got the dog from behaviourist to work on this and we have been doing this. However 4 times he has growled and snapped at my partner for no reason. The behaviourists I’m currently chatting to are a bit perplexed why (we thought it was because my partner had his hair tied up but the last one he didn’t).

The thing is, my mental health has spiralled rapidly in the past 5 weeks we’ve had the dog. Due to Covid my business has folded and I’ve lost a lot of money. I have now been forced to take a standard 9-5 job to keep money coming in (DP is furgloughed but due to go back soon).

I can’t give this dog what he needs, we can’t give this dog what he needs. I’m terrified every single day of this dog biting me or my partner. He can’t go to doggy daycare because of these issues and honestly we can’t afford it at the moment anyway. We had money set aside for dd when it was needed but it’s been eaten into due to my business folding. We would hugely struggle to pay bills if we hired a behaviourist / trainer.

(TW) I’ve been crumbling day after day, my anxiety is through the roof and this evening I’ve found myself thinking about suicide (again, this has previously happened). The intrusive thoughts are starting and I just don’t have the emotional strength to deal with him.

I’m absolutely animal mad, I love this dog so much the thought of giving up on him breaks my heart but at the same time by one safe space (home) isn’t safe anymore and I do feel a bit like “it’s me or the dog” for real but I don’t know what to do. I’ve said to my partner I wish I just didn’t exist.

What does your DP want to do?

No, you’re not a terrible person. You seem to have rehomed a dog from a terrible ‘charity’ however. They should have assessed him properly before rehoming him.
Normally I would say contact the rescue you got him from but in this case they sound a bit useless.
I would ask your local vet for a recommendation for a good rescue. Be really honest about his issues but I’m sure a decent one will be capable of a proper assessment and at 6 months it’s not too late for him to find his forever home.

Have you contacted your Gp about the suicidal thoughts? Don’t blame yourself for rehoming the dog, what’s done is done. The most important thing is getting past how you feel right now and if you need help to do that then you’re not alone right now.

My DP wants to do whatever is right for me. He is behind me and wants to keep us both safe. But I know how much he loves the dog and would probably get into debt to pay for trainers and behaviourists.

They’ve been good in terms of giving us good information about his issues but I do think we didn’t assess them properly. They have stated that dogs must go back to them so I think I would need to contact them firstly.

I’ve been to gp previously. I was taking meds for a while and stopped after a course of CBT and had been making progress (this was over the past 5 years). I’m failing the dog I know that, and this has put me off dogs for life (owning) but I know I’ll hate myself if we do give up on him.

Put all negative behaviour in writing to them so they can’t ever say they weren’t told.
The fault is their own. They shouldn’t have put you in that position, or the poor dog.
You can’t give him what he needs right now and that isn’t your fault. To be blunt, you could struggle on to the detriment of your own mental health plus return a dog eventually that has missed out on the type of home he needs to have now.

Thank you for your kind words they really do help. I know what I need to do I just really want the best for him. Outside of these incidents he has been such a funny and goofy dog. He will make an excellent pet I just don’t have the capability to let him reach his potential.

It does sound stressful and your mental health must come first of course, here are my thoughts:

DDog arrived end of May and we aren’t at the end of June yet it makes me wonder if you have love bombed him? If he growls with high value treats maybe it’s too early to have those. Do you know his background, does he need more time to adjust and trust? The other growling situations are his way of warning, is he in pin or feeling cornered at all?

Can you explain a little more about strangers and other dogs, there hasn’t been a lot of opportunity to let him observe during lockdown it sounds like a lot of expectation has been put on DDog to conform with your daily routines, does he have a safe space, covered crate to escape in to in such early days?

I always think it must be so, so hard for the majority of people to hand their dogs over to rescue. Obviously some don’t give a shit, but you’re not in that group. The rescue I support specifically states that no negative comments about owners is to be made on their social media.

Only you know if you can help this dog and all anyone can ask is that someone is honest as to their reasons. Suicidal thoughts and a bad mental health episode are a damn good reason afaic.

I would have hoped the behaviourist support from the rescue would have been better, so you didn’t have to consider if you could afford your own. They are supposed to be the experts, after all.

All the best, whatever you decide and I hope you are in a better place mentally very soon

It does sound an incredibly stressful situation. We have a very docile dog that we had since a puppy and he will growl if we try to take away what he considers to be high value treats. We find the information on the Facebook group 'dog training advice and support' very useful. Not all behaviourists are the same and you can get some very poor advice which can make the situation even worse. I read some where about the rule of 3s with regards to rescue dogs. 3 days to stop being completely overwhelmed, 3 weeks to start settling down and showing true personality and 3 months to really be 'at home'.

Socialising we have been doing slowly on walks and under advise of the behaviourist team. He had gone from reacting to people and dogs far in the distance to be able to sniff, greet and even play a little with dogs we see every morning.

For people we have had some people come to the door where he reacted. We’ve been meeting friends in public socially distanced to introduce new people without dogs themselves. We took him to dps parents twice where he reacted and we slowly built up over several hours to be able to accept treats from them to no reaction when we visited last. He’s not fixed in anyway way I’m under no illusion about that but desensitised and progressing.

We have stopped high value treats all together for now. All he gets is his kibble. We even use that for training.

The other growling, first myself and partner were on sofa, he was on floor. Partner got up to do something by tv. Same for 2nd. Today it was in the kitchen partner was just filling up ice cube trays turned around and looked at him to check he wasn’t in the way, 4th was again in living room he had just had his food, came in an sat on the floor next to me. Partner came and turn fan on and again it happened. I know I’m probably blind to it but we can’t think of anything that would trigger.

4th

Poor dog , he’s a baby , you wouldn’t expect , or rather I wouldn’t expect a 6 month old rescue to be house trained or trained in any respect and he’s probably completely overwhelmed . That said you don’t sound like the right home for him so probably best to give him back . We got our dog as a 5 monthish old from Battersea , I doubt he had ever been in a house and he had the added bonus of severe kennel cough . We basically treated him like we would have treated an 8 week old pup , it’s a bit like a premature baby , they may reach their milestones later but hopefully they all catch up in time .

We had worked with the chews, following training on taking away etc. Do you mean that the behaviourist advised you to take chews off him whilst he was eating them?

At the end of the day you need to do what's right for your mental health but all I can think is that you've only had this dog a month, yet your post reads like he's been there a year in terms of what you expect of him in terms of his behaviour.

So much expectation placed on a young, untrained dog is bound to end in tears.

And I hope your "behaviourist" hasn't been telling you to take treats off your dog?

I probably have done too much too quickly. (No we never took a high value item from him, he attacked us for walking past him).

We thought we were working at his speed but obviously I was just over my head and fucking this dog up because I’m not capable.

He has just attacked my partner again for no reason so we have already contacted people to remove him and get him the proper help he needs.

I’m a terrible terrible person I accept that.

Thanks for the input.

You are not terrible at all. You had the best of intentions and tried your best. You need to priototise your mental health now. Take care and be gentle with yourself.

@CantCope2020 a terrible person would not have rescued a dog and invested so much time and emotional energy into trying to help him. The world is a better place because people like you exist!

You have not failed him. His separation anxiety alone would probably have meant that you would have had to return him once your partner went back to work. Because of you, the rescue now have a clearer idea of what he is like in a home so will be in a better position to rehabilitate him than before you took him in.

If you haven’t already, please tell someone in real life that you are feeling suicidal, especially if you think that you might act on these thoughts.

You are NOT a terrible person at all. You have tried very hard to do the right thing. Obviously it would be better if you could sort out all the challenging behaviours but the right thing to do for you and him now is to rehome him responsibly and hopefully his new owner will be able to really help him.

Not another dog rescue to be returned thread??
Which rescue was it?

@Barryisland

While some people behaved irresponsibly around dogs because of lockdown, OP isn't one of them.

Lockdown changed many people's circumstances far faster than anyone could predict. Op is in that category.

I’m a terrible terrible person I accept that.

This seems to be plain not true. There is nothing wrong with quickly realising that misinformation given to you at the start has lead to you being in over your head and then taking the right steps to correct that for you and the dog.

The first few weeks of rehoming is a probation period in which you and the dog start to learn more about each other and determine if you are as good a fit as it seemed. In this case you are not.

The dog needs someone else. You need a different dog. You've acted responsibly to return him. No crime here, just a sad situation for everyone. Don't let it put you off rehoming again in the future, if your situation changes again and you are at home. There are dogs in rescues that are an easier fit for a family life than this one seems to have been.

I posted in the thread about someone wanting to return a rescue dog. I personally believe that we should be more open about when a need is too much.

Ive had foster dogs that i wish were given in earlier, before issues got worse and before the dogs suffering increased. Theres no shame in admitting its beyond your ablities, and that decision might mean it gets to a home where training can start sooner and the dog might thank you for that.