Follow-up to what the vets and hospital found - support thread please. Massive handhold required. For a long time I fear.

[Kneesbendarmstretchedrarara]

Previous thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/the_doghouse/3325644-Please-help-what-are-the-vets-hospital-not-seeing?pg=1&order=

The lovely posters over there have been a wonderful support for me and I want to say a big thankful shout-out to the special ones that stuck with me & helped with ideas initially.

In a nutshell, the illness wasn’t what we desperately hoped it would be. It was a lot worse and catastrophically fatal in the cruellest way.

My baby boy is gone and life has changed for me.

I don’t know how to ride this wave.

All hands welcome. Please.

Hi Grinchly,

Been looking at my phone for the last hour in a daze. The words haven’t come out right, I wrote, deleted, wrote, deleted. Keep seeing him take his last walk from the consultation room to ‘that’ room. He had no idea what I was going to do & I’m struggling with it. He just trusted me with every ounce of his being. I did tell him we were stopping the pain but I don’t know if he knew exactly what I meant and now it’s too late.

I wish Dh would stfu about getting another one, it’s making me angry now. He backs it up by reinforcing that Alfie only trusted and truly loved one person (me) so why can’t he see that his comments aren’t helping? He only walked him one day a week at best, he didn’t have to arrange logistics of daily life, Alfie and DD were never in ‘his’ day. They were my life. It’s flipped 180 beyond recognition and I am so uncomfortable with it.

Awake at stupid o’clock, missing him against me taking up the entire superking bed. Was Meg allowed to snuggle against you at night? I know it’s frowned upon but he was my baby. I set myself up for this fall. Stupid woman. Feel sick when I think of him in the lounge (where he shouldn’t be) in a different format to how he should be. I love that you have the blue in top...very comforting I imagine. Do you talk to her?

Yes, yes and yes to the snowplough! Very entertaining to watch, wasn’t it?! Past tense crushes me. Fancy getting poorly and missing this years frost by just a few weeks What a div.

Can’t help wondering if Noel Fitzpatrick could have helped. Plays on ny mind a lot but then I revert back and I don’t think he’d have lasted the car journey.

I keep telling myself they were here for either a reason, a season or a lifetime but actually, in Alfie and Meg’s case, I think it’s all 3. What do you think?

DD and I did some doodling earlier and I wrote our 3 names...she can’t read yet and when she asked what they said, I told her it was Mummy, Daddy and her name. Her immediate (& funnily enough childlike!) response without hesitation was ‘What about Alfie?’ I do try to be bright and cheery, she can’t see me cry all the time. I’m sorry if I upset you Grinchly by saying something inadvertently.

Occurred to me that I actually haven’t had any sounds on in the car at all since his last journey in it. Day 17 now. Feels as raw as it was that first hour I didn’t have him. I hope you’ll be ok on the 2 year anniversary. Friends forget I expect?

You say I’m good at looking at photos and videos but I didn’t manage any at all yesterday. I certainly can’t see the ones I filmed for Davies when he was ill. These gadgets are a mixed blessing, aren’t they?

A lifetime of memories but never enough.

Please don’t apologies for not posting, Grinchly. Having read my post back it could have come across incorrectly. I didn’t mean for it to sound that no-one (especially you) is interested at all. It’s hard sometimes, I suspect posters are reading but don’t know what to say.

Might try a hot chocolate or something. With no little footsteps following me. These awful reminders just need to do one.

Are you ok (as ok as you can be)?

No point in trying to sleep now. DD will be up within 90 minutes.

Oh kneesbend I followed your last thread and it broke my heart to see your update. I can feel your love and devotion for Alfie and I’m so sad that this has happened to you.

My lovely Widget died suddenly 2 years ago and I still come downstairs expecting to see her bouncing all over the sofa, tail wagging, ready for the day. I still haven’t got another dog, I’m not ready. So don’t let your dh push you into anything until you know you’re in the right place.

I think I could have coped better if she had lived a grand old life and died of old age, but she was only 4. Utterly heartbreaking. She was fine one day and instantly unwell with nothing we could do. She was a working cocker from healthy lines with all the tests, the vet said it was just a freak incident.

Keep posting, it’ll get the thoughts out of your head and hopefully help you in some way. Thinking of you lots at this difficult time

Hi Teddy,

4 is so young, I don’t know how you’d get over that. It’s horrific at any age but so young makes it even harder to comprehend.

They’re just like children, aren’t they? They all have their own quirks and body language, that look in their eye and you know instantly what they’re asking for.

I emailed the breeder and she feels terrible. Her puppies have always been in good health....I guess we were lucky to have them for the short time that we did.

I HATE that when scrolling through footage on my phone there is a sudden slam of reality that one minute he was here, all-consuming in my life being my playmate, friend & comfort, the door-greeter, the head in my rear view mirror. Then with a click of a finger he isn’t in the videos or photos any more & never will be.

I think that’s why some days I can look and some days I can’t.

I don’t know how to accept that.

Hello knees

I am so sorry you've had such a bad night. It must be such a strain trying to be cheery for your dd. I live alone ( well with three cats) and have no children so I can just be how I want to be, which can be a mixed blessing.

I really don't think Noel could have helped Alfie, Knees. You did all you possibly could for him and traumatic and horrifying as it is, we both did the right thing for them at the end. I often think our beloved animals are given more dignity than humans sometimes are.

Meg wasn't allowed on the bed but it was many months before I stopped 'seeing' or 'hearing' her around the house. I have so many regrets about her last months and also my boy's, but I try not to torture myself because what good can it do ? ( eg telling her off for biting at the carpet- she had doggy dementia as well at the end😢 and not taking my boy on as many long walks as possible. I never thought, stupidly, that I would lose him too .)

People inevitably ask about another one, and to be honest if me and ex h were still together I would have done so when I felt able to. But currently it won't work as I deVote myself to them 100 per cent. It does get wearing though, having to explain. I imagine your d h is worried about you and thinks it might help ease the anguish. If ex h were to have another we would ' share ' the care. Meg was my first dog- I wasn't allowed pets of any kind as a child, despite that being the only thing I ever wanted - so she will always have a place in my heart and soul.

Take care today Knees, be kind to yourself.

Oh Teddy that is heartbreaking. How awful . Four is far too young.

Regret doesn’t prove to be productive at all, does it? I can’t imagine how the dementia affected you. I am sorry you experienced it.

A bad weekend. A non-doggy friend was here and it was like my baby boy never existed, despite new large boxed canvas photos of his puppyhood on the wall. She’s not empathetic to any situation anyway. I should have just cancelled her coming.

DH is still pushing. The more he carries on the more he is pushing me away though.

DD announced out of nowhere that she misses Alfie. Everyone apart from the two of us seem to have forgotten him

I just want one more rub of his ear.

There’s another dog thread active on MN where the OP calls her puppy ‘it’. So, so upsetting to read. Alfie was such a good boy as a puppy. The day we got him home at 5 weeks (too young I know but the breeder was and still is all about welfare, we got scrutinised) he went straight to the back door for the loo. Not once, not on even one occasion did he mess indoors. He didn’t chew anything at all and he didn’t vomit in the car. Ever. He just ‘knew’.

He didn’t deserve to get poorly at such a young age. I’m struggling.

Tell me the tears will stop.

Oh love, yes the tears do stop, in time. They come back , but not with that jagging awfulness.

Sounds like your weekend was hideous. Your friend sounds like my mother, totally lacking in empathy. I noticed the 'it' post too. Awful.

When people suggest another dog I don't think it's as a replacement ( could never happen) but just a sort of knee jerk response to our distress.

It's clearly not remotely a good idea now, but it may be in the future. Dogkind needs people like us. People who would never refer to them as 'it' for example.

I am a dog person, always will be.i also have cats and I have to say one of them has been so intuitively kind and tactile when he knows I am down. Sleeps in the bed with me, supervises me in the bathroom, always on my lap. I just cannot imagine a house without furries.

I know someone who lost one of their two dogs in the most horrific circumstances- a freak accident. She went on to have another dog within weeks as for her it was a way of coming to terms with the grief. What I am saying is don't rule it out, but just take things day by day for now.

Oh the ears! That lovely warm velvety feeling. And the warm sweet smell if you sniff under the flap, And their paw pads.

Yes to the paw pads - beautiful baby stuffy smell. The best smell ever. Well, that and the ‘sleepy’ smell as he dozed off) Managing to smile while writing!

I think I need your cat! Those cuddles are just the best. So heartfelt and genuine. Give him (not ‘it ) a cuddle from me.

My mum asked if we were spreading his ashes in the garden. Answer: categorically no. We have a habit of moving house far too frequently. The very suggestion made me gag. She meant well but he is staying with me.

Again, as usual, you’re right....I am clueless about how I feel about having a new dog. None will compare to my baby boy. I didn’t even have to whistle for recall, he just knew by my body language that he needed to come to me. He was just so damned perfect.

How do you know (assuming the time comes at some point) whether to go for the same breed or a totally different one? I am swinging towards a house bunny but DH likes his cables as they currently are.

Hello @ kneesbend

About another dog, I would go for same breed or either of the bits that made Meg, iyswim. Do you know I even sent off her d n a so I know exactly what mix she is.

I was back at the vets yesterday with a routine appointment for two of my cats. It is ok I practically lived there for months and spent so much I used to joke I'd turn up one day to find a shiny new extension called the Grinchly wing

My vet was chatting about guinea pigs. They are apparently great little things . She has five! ( have never had one myself !) Though my second choice is feline, as you know.

Here are my lovelies waiting for a treat:

Kneesbend, I don't know if this helps, but I am an HCP and have seen many humans die. You gave your lovely boy the final gift of a peaceful, painless death. I wish that all my human patients could experience the same (I don't mean to get into a debate about assisted dying - I just mean that I wish their deaths could be so gentle). Please don't think that you killed him. From what you have said, he was dying due to a horrible disease, and you made the incredibly hard, but incredibly kind, decision to save him from suffering.

I second XX above, pts a terminally ill pet is not really 'killing' as murder would be. The alternative would be to nurse him at home till he died. The end result would be the same, pros, cons, morals and ethics behind this can be argued till the cows come home, but you can only do what you feel to be right at the time. At least then you should have a clear conscience, even though you are grieving.

We recently lost our Dalmatian, she had spinal problems (although I don't think it was the cause of her death), so much sympathy. Mine however was FAR from perfect although much loved, and very loving in her own family - she wasn't fond of outsiders, human or canine - and had quite a chequered history.

My family (although stricken with grief (cynical here)) insisted on buying a puppy about a month after she died (to be fair they did, and do miss her). Despite being the same breed, she is nothing like the previous dog, you couldn't call her a replacement, but she is a dear little thing (not little for much longer though) and keeps everyone on their toes. I have to admit she has stopped me brooding over the one that died, too busy trying to tame the puppy!!

Grinchly, I grew up with guineapigs DD would (I imagine) absolutely love one. Maybe I’ll think about going down that route.

XX, thankyou, I know you’re right, it’s just the guilt that is eating at me. We had a fun time last night, the in-laws dogs were here. I was laughing and suddenly realised Alfie is missing out. Then the tears started and my evening changed.

Spot, if you don’t mind me asking, what were the spinal issues? I am worried I’ll compare the two dogs if we get a new one.

Spot1 (aged 7) jumped out of a car and yelped one day, the next day literally couldn't move. Vet diagnosed spinal injury of some type, but was not fully investigated, but managed medically (anti-inflammatories, anti-spasmodics and painkillers) given a week, then another, as kept making micro-improvements. Eventually got 6 months, whereupon she got off her bed and walked at about 5 months and 3 and a half weeks!
On reflection, I think it was a weakness she had always had that finally went after years of running around and jumping over gates. Just found it 'interesting' for want of a better word that both our dogs had spinal problems, never heard of it as a breed issue, so probably just coincidence.
I was expecting her back to go again or complications from her ongoing medications, but I suspect she had a tumour(s). She had a lovely walk one Friday and the next Friday she died. At least we were all there and with her, but still pretty grim.
Regarding another dog:
Strangely Spot2 looks nothing like Spot1, despite being same breed (different colouring and spotting patterns). We do compare and contrast, it has to be said, but biggest difference is Spot1 was an old dog that had learned the ropes and moulded to us and Spot2 is still learning, and has a way to go. Also, Spot1 was a reactive-aggressive type and while was a lovely dog within the family, was a bit of a liability outside it. Years of constant vigilance was not an experience I'm keen to repeat, so I'm quite happy for her to be different and I did vet Spot2s parents before I considered buying her (I told family if the parents so much as barked at me I was out of there!). But I think, in terms of bonding to the family, they are similar. However no dog will be exactly the same, its just not possible, but most of them are loveable - especially Dalmatians. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I am sorry to hear about your spots. Not nice how Spot1 and my Alfie both had suspected tumours. You have said exactly what I am currently thinking- that I moulded Alfie to us and a new one will automatically be compared Only natural I guess.

I seem to be the only one today remembering our loss. I have found myself disappearing off to my bedroom several times to remember my baby boy for a minute or two.

Oh Knees. I hope your day has been bearable without your darling spotted one.

Knees, have you sought counseling? This is a debilitating level of grief that you are describing.

Grinchly, it’s been as I expected. Currently at the in-laws who have no filter (I am always off their radar) who are watching Paul O’Grady

Villanous, I haven’t yet but I will do in the new year as a promise to myself.