Grieving

[peppapigkeepsthemquiet]

I know it’s how long is a piece of string...
And I know it’s only been 24 hours.
But this is AWFUL.
I can’t eat, haven’t slept in 24 hours, literally just sobbed.
I’m not as bad when I’m keeping busy and out of the house, but as soon as I walk back in and he’s not here I’m in bits.
I keep going to let him out for a wee, or check where he is.
I just feel sick to the pit of my stomach. So so sick.
How do I make this all better?

Antihistamine will send you to sleep.

Hope tomorrow's better.

I had to say goodbye to my beautiful dog today. I feel your pain. I'm so sorry for your loss. I feel sick and empty and like my world is so much poorer without her. It is all encompassingly horrendous.

@applesauce1 I’m so so sorry.
It’s awful isn’t it.
Like gut wrenching awful.
I keep going to let him out for a wee, or check on him.
And coming home to no barking or wagging tail is absolutely killing me.
My mum took all of his things to an animal shelter today 😔 I kept his lead though.
It hurts so badly.

@peppapigkeepsthemquiet
Yep. My heart is broken. I started a shared iCloud album with my family to share pictures of her but that actually made it worse.
I couldn't look her in the eye yesterday. I knew what was coming today and what had to happen, and every time I looked into her beautiful brown eyes, I felt like I was going to back out of what I know was the right choice.
Her collar is on the side board, her leads and coat hang in the porch, her bed is in the kitchen, her medicines on the counter, I've washed up her bowls and the cupboards are full of her food and treats. My Jess is painfully absent from my house.

I hope you get some rest tonight darling. I know we will feel better with time.

I knew all day on Friday that it would be the outcome. He didn’t want his walk, his legs were bad and he was staggering all over, he could barely squat to wee or poo. He struggled to get up off the floor. And was just getting up, going to the next room and flopping down again.
I am really worried that we did it too soon. He probably would have done a few more weeks or even months with more pain killers (he already had 3 a day which didn’t make much difference), but he hated taking them and he just looked so fed up.
I was so conscious of not leaving it too late that I’m worried we did it too soon.
My mum said today that he could have gone on a bit longer, but he needed lots of extra care, like carrying upstairs and helping up off the floor numerous times a day. That’s no way to live for him surely?
He was still affectionate and loving though.
But I just keep thinking about everything he couldn’t do and hopefully I made the right choice.
He couldn’t snuggle on the sofa with us, he couldn’t climb stairs so he spent a lot of time in a different room to us as we were on a different floor a lot of the time. He could only walk a few minutes round the block, he struggled getting up from lying down, he was medicated up to his eye balls.
It’s just so hard.

@peppapigkeepsthemquiet
You absolutely made the right choice. Someone on my other thread said something that really helped me come to terms with my choice. You have chosen to suffer yourself, instead of letting your beloved dog suffer through their last days.

My Jess had suffered through 5 months of renal failure. This week, she's had 3 bouts of bloody diarrhoea. She is totally incontinent. She shakes a lot and had gone off her food. She can just about manage a 15 minute walk but she is very slow and collapses at the end. 5 months ago, she was racing around. I haven't seen her run for a while...

Today, she was having a good day and I had a complete crisis over whether it was too soon. Everyone told me that it's better to give her a great last day, full of love and her favourite things, that wait a week too late when she's in abhorrent pain. You're right- it would have been no life for your dog. You made the right choice.

We can keep them going for a few extra weeks, weeks they'll not enjoy but will help us come to terms with them passing, or we can choose not to wait for that critical stage when it's too obvious and they're horrendously unwell. Choose to make a kind choice, the choice you made. If it were me, I'd rather not suffer.

I'm so sorry for your losses but you both absolutely made the right choices. Sometimes keeping a pet alive is for our benefit and not theirs. Losing our old cat was awful but we couldn't make her better. Keeping her alive would have just prolonged the inevitable and possibly ended up with her suffering and being in pain.
We suffered. She passed peacefully and with dignity. The last thing she felt was me fussing her and the last thing she heard was me saying we loved her and thanking her for being our cat.
Wishing you well. Be kind to yourselves.

Thank you @applesauce1 that has made me feel better.
The vet even said the other option was more pain killers and to wait and see.
But do you know what, he’s been on a constant diet for 6 months and been miserable, he’s been dragged to hydrotherapy, worn a magnetic collar, had pain killers forced down him 3 x a day, been fed herbal supplements every day, carried up stairs and onto sofas, he’s spent lots of time downstairs alone which was crap for him as he was such a peoples dog. I just didn’t feel it was right to keep on just “trying” things.
I’m gutted he’s not here though and I’m sure you feel the same.
It’s just utterly shit.
The house feels empty. And it doesn’t smell right. And it doesn’t sound right anymore.
Just a huge gaping hole left in our home.

Urgh. It’s that time of night again.
When things feel bad 😩

I was just about to message you to see how you're doing.
I've been holding it together for work but have broken down at home.
I did a painting of my grandpa when he died. I painted with oils over an OS map of his favourite place. I'm going to do the same thing for my Jess on an OS map of her favourite walks. I think it will be cathartic. I think it will help.
My mum text me, devastated about the fact she couldn't find any photos of her cuddling Jess. I managed to find a lovely photo of her kissing Jess in her arms on my SLR camera. Thank god.

The painting sounds like a lovely idea.
I’ve got a gorgeous hand drawn sketch of my boy which was a Christmas present a few years ago.
You did really well holding it together at work.
I was home alone today and the house was unbearably quiet. It was awful.
Even put the tv on, which I’ve not done in the day time for the past 10 years as I’ve just pottered around in the day with the dog by my side for company.
I’ve got work tomorrow which will probably keep me busy, but then I almost feel guilty for forgetting what’s happened when I’m busy.
Bought a lovely pot and tree today for when his ashes come back.
All my friends have been so lovely and dropped around flowers, plants and cards and had lots of messages of support which is nice.
It just hits me again each time someone messages to ask how I’m doing.
I think everyone knew how special he was to me ❤️