In turmoil over puppy

[Desperatelysadandashamed]

Let me start by saying I grew up with dogs and they were always extremely well cared for and adored. Part of the family in every sense of the word.

I'm not making excuses but it's relevant - our only daughter was stillborn (born on our second round of IVF). Don't need to go into detail about how horrific that was. We haven't since been able to have another baby (3 years later).

My DH suggested we get a puppy. I am self employed and work from home, we have a large garden and plenty of time to care for a dog.

We collected a beautiful male 8 week border terrier 6 days ago.

I have all the time in the world to spend with this beautiful animal but I'm just going to say it: I wish I'd never got him. In the interest of being transparent:

• he is a very well behaved puppy.
• he is sleeping well in our bedroom (sleeps in a crate and does business in a cardboard box that I attach to crate. Crate dry all night) we leave him to cry and he settles within 30 mins. He wakes about twice a night for me to let him out. Goes back to bed and cries a little (5-15 mins maybe) and then back to sleep. He wakes about 7am and I bring him to bed for a bit as I think he's suffered enough. I hate ignoring him but I don't want a dog that sleeps in our bed in the unlikely event that a miracle happens and we have a baby someday.
• he is obviously boisterous in the day but he is manageable and trust me, ALL his needs are met and more. If anything I worry I am ruining him by giving him too much attention and I'll never be able to leave him alone in future. I put him in his crate earlier just so I could have a shower and he screamed. I hate that, I find it quite upsetting.

My problem: I can't shake the feeling that I wish I'd never got him. I am sick and angry with myself and feel indescribable shame and sadness. I broke into sobs when DH came home and I confessed. If the breeder called and said that she needed him back I would be relieved. I am overwhelmed with responsibility and a feeling that this isn't right. He isn't a 'fix' for the heartbreak I feel.

He's currently sleeping in my lap and the tears are streaming down my face typing this. WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?

You are within your rights to flame me, nothing less than indeserve but know that I feel Sick to the pit of my stomach with guilt and shame at these feelings. Literally everyone I know knows that I have this beautiful boy, I wouldn't even know where to start if I rehomed him and had to share what I've done. It's the lowest of the low in my opinion.

Ah so glad youre feeling a bit brighter!

Youve got what I call the puppy blues! That feeling of
omg I really wanted this dog but now Im stuck with it for 10-15 years and I cant cope with the waking, the crying, the pee, the poo, the neediness ... but omg look at that cute face how can I think like this, he'd be better off sonewhere else, the training is too much, what has he chewed now, I just want a shower in peace, why is he crying again!!!!!!!!!

But ... it does pass! Things settle down and you find what works for you and then hes just like one of the family.

The start is definately tough though xxx

Oh OP you've been giving yourself such a hard time. What you've been through is just awful but I actually think they way you're feeling towards your pup is a vey normal way to feel at this stage of puppyhood irrespective of everything else.

First of all, fabulous choice with the breed! We have two border terriers. They are such loving, funny, loyal little dogs and you'll very quickly find that you have a permanent shadow! We got our first last October and quite frankly I hated the first few weeks. I loved the pup but really felt we'd made a mistake. But that passes and he turned into such a perfect little dog we got a second pup a year later! Part of the reason we did that was because our first really needed a buddy. Border terriers are not great at being left alone and I found when mine were younger they could be quite destructive if left. So I would persevere with the crate and getting pup used to that being where she goes. She may cry a little but will settle. I'd keep her crate by your bed but would stop letting her in your bed in the morning. Our dog slept in our room but was never allowed on the bed and he now goes into is crate of his own accord and doesn't make a peep until morning. When he stays with my parents they let him on their bed once he's been out for his first pee so surprise surprise when he's with them he asks out at stupid o'clock because he knows he'll get on the bed. Now we have the two we've been able to move them into the kitchen at night. Also just to pre-warn you, both of ours were quite slow to get used to walking on a lead, especially at this time of year with it being so cold and wet. They both refused point blank to walk in the dark so taking them out after work is a nightmare. I really worried the first time round that I was doing something wrong and found it disappointing as I was so looking forward to getting them out. But it just took time and once the lighter nights came in it was much easier. Pup 2 has been exactly the same so I'm just going at her pace and not over thinking it this time.

I'm really glad you're feeling a bit better about it all and have decided to keep her. Now you just need to stop giving yourself such a hard time x

Glad you are feeling better about your puppy. I would have quite happily have let anyone take mine away when we got him and just thought wtf had a done and ruined our lovely life. I didn't love him even though I felt responsible for him.

Now he is 14 months old and I love him so much. He is a big part of our family and I would be deverstated to not have him in my life. Puppy blues is very real. There's a puppy survival thread on here if you want to join as we are all very honest at how difficult it can be at times and try and support each other.

Just came on to say totally totally normal to feel like this. Even without the trauma you've been through it's a huge thing. We got a rescue and I was SO excited about getting her I can't tell you, more excited than I've ever been about anything in my life practically. I had researched it to the nth degree, we were completely prepared. We got her home and the next morning I hit rock bottom and thought "we should never have got her". It lasted just over a week - 10 days when I had a panic-stricken feeling all the time and was hideously anxious and then I had a complete melt down one day, wept and howled and gnashed my teeth and the next day all was fine.

We've had her 6 months and I can hand on heart say it's the best thing we've done. We all adore her and she is part of our family.

Give yourself two to three weeks. If you're still feeling like it then, have another rethink.

for everything you've been through. Cut yourself some slack.

I have a 6 month old border terrier, he’s currently prodding me with his nose because I’m starving him to death (full bowl of food right in front of him but he wants treats instead!!). He’s a great little dog and has been no bother but the early puppy days were such hard work and the realisation of the responsibilities of having a tiny little animal who’s dependant on you did make us think we’d done the wrong thing for a while.

We left him in the crate for short periods in the day from very early on and he got used to it really quickly - I put the radio on and a blanket over the crate and he just goes to sleep now. This has really helped and means we can go out for a while without worrying about him. Puppy classes really helped too - not just the training side of things but meeting other people with unruly puppies going through the same ‘wtf have I done?!’ Feelings!!

Just wanted to add another voice to the "this is a perfectly normal reaction" message.

My puppy is 5 months old. He is the 3rd dog we currently have and my 8th total. I have wanted this specific breed/bloodline for about ten years. I moved heaven and earth to get him and waited 6 months after deciding to get him. I hold an advanced diploma in canine behaviour and am currently studying a degree in the same.

It was only recently an overwhelming feeling of responsibility started to turn into a joyful love and I still have several moments a day when I wonder if I am f*ing him up. Like yours, he is a very well behaved springer spaniel puppy who is calm and gentle and wants to please (or wants treats!). He is still HARD WORK and takes up pretty much my whole day.

I remember reading an old post on mn in which someone said similar things about you to their pup and then updated a year later to say they didn't really fall in love with her until she was about 9 months old, but then fell fast. They adore their dog and couldn't imagine life without them.

Hang in there. They break your hearts at the beginning and again at the end but the middle is so filled with joy and your post is so filled with love and worry for this little boy that I can imagine he is going to have a very happy life with you. But, if you decide you cannot do it then there is also no shame in returning him to the breeder. That is not the 'lowest of the low'. That is a brave and loving act of honesty. You chose a good breeder who will take him back and ensure he still has a great life.

p.s. the crying in the crate thing is also totally normal. About 4 months old they start to get a bit more independent and worry less when they cannot see you.

I had exactly this a few years ago. I wanted a dog (dh had died and I was lookkng after my children alone) I thought it would be a lovely addition to our family. However, I was so utterly stressed and overwhelmed by having her. I cried all the time, I could not cope. She was a great puppy btw but cried when left downstairs etc. After 9 days I returned her to the breeder - I simply could not handle the responsibility . I felt like life had been complete before so why did I bring something into our home that was going to upset the balance?! I had an ongoing internal dialogue citing the pros and cons and it was causing me huge anxiety . Fast forward a few years and now we have another dog - he has been here 5 years and we adore him. I just wasn't ready before and I made a mistake. Now, I am looking to go through it all again and get dog no. 2! Not sure what advice to give you but I do think it is pretty normal OP.

I don’t have much to say OP but I have a feeling you and this puppy will have a special bond.

Thanks so much for latest responses

I've genuinely had the best day with him. Left him alone for a bit while I did the house and he cried a bit but then settled and this meant I could get all my bits and pieces done for the day. I feel a bit itchy until my house gets its daily once-over also managed to do lots of work with him napping next to me or in his crate place during next to me. In between, we've had lots of fun play where he's been a bloody nutter in the garden

So, as you can see, a 365 degree turnaround and I'm mortified to read my earlier post back a few mins ago. I couldn't be without him now. He's been as good as gold and there will no doubt be days where I'm tearing my hair out but I'm SO ready for it.

A million thank you's. Mumsnet can be bloody amazing for all of you amazing ladies ❤️

I might have something in my eye....

Awwww. That's luffly. Your earlier post was nothing to be ashamed of at all, it was completely honest and totally understandable. It's a massive commitment which more people need to grasp!
Good luck, and if you feel you can please post a puppy pic x

Also I think we tend to personify animals to the extent that we over complicate everything. The animal's needs are simple and basic but we expect them to behave like human babies or to have our same emotional responses and thought processes. Plus. we put ourseles under enormous presure to get things right as quickly as possible but it takes time for us to bond and for them to understand what we require of them. DesparatelySadandAshamed you may well revert to having anotehr shit day tomorrow but shrug it off move on. You are going to be great and within a year at most, you will be offering up advice on her to newbie dog owners!