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The doghouse

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Original poster

Advice on what to do with puppy and DH! Very very long!

28 replies

HalloweenDuck · 16/08/2017 20:39

I would like some advice from fellow dog owners please about what you would do in my situation.
It is very very long as need to give a lot of information.

When growing up my god mother had a certain type of dog, they are pretty rare ( but not expensive)
Years ago we decided to get a puppy and I could not find any of this breed. So we got a cocker spaniel. We all adored her, and even though she was a bit hypa she was a good girl, unfortunately when she was 2, she got cancer and fitted and passed away. At the time we were selling our house and moving into rented, so we stayed happy with our cats.

Last year I begged and pleaded with DH to let me get a puppy. He eventually agreed but it was honestly because he loves us, he really would of preferred not to.

DH runs his family business with his sister ( since his dad passed away) so he would help get kids up and ready in morning and then return after tea in evening. I run my own business which is an after school club, it is going very well and we are expanding into bigger premises in September. I adore my job and only took 4 days off after a c section when my youngest was born 20 months ago.

The puppy is lovely, however he is only 9 months old still so still hypa, he is not meant to malt but does..... a lot! Like Hoover twice a day a lot!!!

Unfortunately I got diagnosed with arthritis last year, I muddle through but some days are harder than others, my DH was amazing and stepped up to cook tea, help more with housework etc etc to allow me to keep working and be mum to our 4 children.

In March this year he suffered a brain Aneurysm,
He is in the consultants words a walking miracle as he actually had 3!

Now he is off work ( physical) for 12-18 months as that's how long it takes to get strength back up, however he will
Slowly be building up to part time in the office next year. He does the odd phone all now and maybe 1-2 hours discussing things a week.
His personality is slightly affected in that he is more sensitive, short tempered. No short term memory etc.
He is however still partly the man I loved and my children's dad, so it is very hard but I am hanging in there.

However he detests the puppy!
He is around the house all the time now and he just hates him!
He would never hurt it, but he constantly pushes it away, ignores it, and worse constantly goes on about how much he hates it and that everything is wrong etc.

I let it go for a while as he had been through so much, but now my children are starting to copy his behaviour and sadly I think it is brain washing them, the puppy they once saw as adorable they now see in a negative way.

I am now honestly thinking of rehoming him. It's breaking my heart to even just write that. He is so adorable, good with kids and cats, but it can't be good for him to be pushed away and ignored so much? Even my 1 year old pushed him away today!
I just don't think I can cope with the constant complaints ( I mean it's 20/30 a day)

Am I wrong to think of this?
Honestly tell me what you would do?

OP posts:
HerOtherHalf · 16/08/2017 20:44

Tragic as it is, i don't think you have a choice.

LaurieFairyCake · 16/08/2017 20:45

Yes I think you have to Sad

The puppy deserves way better than people who don't love him

fourpawswhite · 16/08/2017 20:51

Can he explain why he's taking it out on the puppy? Happened in March puppy was only what 4 months old when this happened? So with you maybe 4 weeks? Does he associate his illness with the puppies arrival? I just don't understand it. Sad

Is the puppy bothering him more because it's actually bonding with him due to the illness? I don't know if I'm explaining that very well. In my experience dogs tend to pick up on these things and attract more toward that person.

Presumably you are still at home day time and then at after school club? Can puppy go with you?

I accept I am very very against rehoming but I really wonder if you need to get to the bottom of what's going on here. Let's say for example, you rehoming the puppy, what happens next? That's not going to fix the underlying problems your dh is struggling with. It may just add to his guilt. Is counselling an option for him?

Sorry lots of questions but struggling to understand really.

fourpawswhite · 16/08/2017 20:52

And the malting, what is the breed?

RandomMess · 16/08/2017 20:55

I think you an awful lot on your plate and you may have to accept the puppy needs to go. Is there any chance your DH would then fixate on something else though?

Ropsleybunny · 16/08/2017 20:57

Poor little dog, I hope you find a good home for him.

Minster2012 · 16/08/2017 21:01

Firstly, as someone as an adult who has been ill & had to be nursed back to health by my family then you must be doing an amazing job with kids, a business, and a dependant adult so huge congrats for that.

What you don't need is a hyper dog in the mix, however much you may love it, unfortunately your priority has to be your family, and your family isn't in love with the adorable dog any more, and so it doesn't fit with your family.

It will probably get worse, get you down, hinder your OHs development and make DDogs behaviour go downhill at a crucial stage for a dog too. Whereas, if you rehome the dog it's young enough to find love elsewhere & retrain & readapt well to a new environment. It would be really tough but the right thing for all, including DDog

Minster2012 · 16/08/2017 21:02

Is it a cockerpoo?

picklemepopcorn · 16/08/2017 21:03

Poor puppy and poor you. Is there a family friend who could have it so you wouldn't lose touch completely? I don't think it's fair to push your DH to explain, as he has been so unwell.

fourpawswhite · 16/08/2017 21:08

That's true pickle, I do agree re pushing him, I don't think I was explaining myself very well. Random put it much better. Would removing the puppy cause him to fixate onto something else?

frenchfancy · 16/08/2017 21:10

I think you have to rehome. It isn't just your DHs health it is yours as well. Much as you love the dog you have to put family first.

Tilapia · 16/08/2017 21:27

I think you need to put your DH first here and rehome the puppy.

CornflakeHomunculus · 16/08/2017 21:48

I'd be contacting the puppy's breeder, explaining your situation and seeing if they can help in terms of offering you some respite or helping you find a new home for him.

Original poster
HalloweenDuck · 16/08/2017 21:52

Hi, thank you for the kind replies.

No it is not a cockerpoo, I'm being vague as haven't named changed so
don't want to be recognised.

Regarding him having the puppy to fixate on/ under lying problem etc
It's hard to explain how it is but he is not negative etc about any of it, no we got puppy in January, and he had brain fart ( our family name for it) on 30th of March so practically April. He knows he had it due to high blood pressure ( 235/116!!!!!)

Sadly I can't take puppy with me, I teach children after school and in school so not practical.

I just feel that it's not fair on him to feel we have given him a home and then just uproot him, but I honestly feel DH would be so much happier without him here. Yet I'm struggling to actually move forward. I haven't discussed this with DH yet as I'm scared he will say yes please, let's find him a new home and I will have to do it!

OP posts:
BeakersofNaiceHam · 16/08/2017 21:59

Sorry to read this OP it's really sad for you I can see how much you love the puppy. He does have an excellent chance of finding a good home being young and good with kids and cats.
It's a difficult situation for you with your husbands illness I would see if you can get some advice and counselling from people who understand his condition.

Summerswallow · 16/08/2017 22:07

I don't think you have a choice either.

Your husband probably needs a very calm and not too chaotic environment in which to recover, and may be cognitively and emotionally affected from the aneurysm, so he may not be as completely rational about the puppy as he normally would, it sound like he's fixated rather on disliking it, and it may be that he simply hasn't got the emotional or mental energy to deal with a hyper puppy at the moment, or have it bouncing around his home where he's trying to recover.

I would definitely rehome if the puppy is getting so much rejection, it's absolutely unacceptable for the puppy and not very good for your husband. I can tell it will be very upsetting for you, at a time when you are already finding things difficult, so I don't say it lightly, but you made the decision when you didn't know about the arthritis, or his brain 'fart' and you have four children, you have to react to what is happening now and that really needs to be a calmer environment, not one with a puppy he dislikes in it.

Floralnomad · 16/08/2017 22:09

You need to be totally honest OP and find out whether it's the pup upsetting your dh or whether that's where his focus of displeasure is , and with pup gone that may be transferred onto / about something else because it's his general mood because of his illness etc . How was he with pup before his illness ?

RandomMess · 16/08/2017 22:11

Do you have a dog walker? Was wondering if as much exercise as possible during morning means dog would then have a big sleep away from everyone else in crate?

SparklingRaspberry · 16/08/2017 22:58

Sorry, can't you just be blunt and tell him to get a grip????

You didn't rehome him or file for divorce when he wasn't his normal self after his illnesses. You dealt with the shitty parts because you love him. Because you're his wife.

Same with the puppy

You deal with the shitty parts because you love him and because you're his owners.

Your husband is a fully grown adult who willingly agreed to let the dog join the family. He isn't a child. He has children who he is showing an example to

Tell him for the sake of the puppy and children to get over himself and treat the dog kindly and lovingly because you won't allow your children to grow up thinking it's okay to treat an animal like that, which right now is what your husband is doing.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 16/08/2017 23:29

Could it be that with the recovering from illness and being home so much more -no longer being at work every day- means that a hyper puppy all day, every day, is just too much for him to cope with? He's probably feeling quite flustered and trapped.

Can you do anything to help that situation, to help your husband, and see if that would enable you to keep your dog.

To be fair to your husband, you pleaded for a puppy and he agreed despite not really wanting one. Now he's had a brain aneurysm, will be off work 12-18 months while he recovers, he has had effects on his personality and he's now lumped for huge amounts of time with a hyper puppy that he onky agreed to to make you happy. He probably wants some space and possibly to wallow in peace

AnUtterIdiot · 17/08/2017 08:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Devilishpyjamas · 17/08/2017 09:02

God sparkling - the man has a brain injury. Not a slight cold.

OP - we have a family dog who my very severely autistic son adored until things started going very wrong in his brain (epilepsy & prob more). He then could not cope at all so we had to house the dog temporarily with my parents until my son moved into his own place with support team. That has fallen apart and my son is now coming home for a while - dog and siblings will be off to my parents while he is home. Injuries to the brain really do affect everything and seen not something someone can just snap out of.

TillyMint81 · 17/08/2017 12:55

Have you thought about doggy daycare? That way he would be out of the house and exhausted come pick up time? Do you spend much time in the evenings with the pup? So the kids could see your behaviour? Hope you find the right answer for you and your family (also if you do rehome please go through a breed rescue)

SparklingRaspberry · 17/08/2017 13:24

I get that he has a brain injury and he has all my sympathy for what he's gone through.

It's still no excuse.

He still has self control. He doesn't speak or treat the OP like crap (I hope). He still knows the difference between right and wrong. He still knows that despite his illness he has an example to set for his children.

In all honesty yes the dog does deserve better. And if the OP feels that's the only option then that's completely understandable.

But why should she miss out on the dog she wanted because of her husbands CONSCIOUS decision to be horrible to it??

Why should her children grow up thinking it's okay to treat animals this way all because of their father making a conscious decision to show them it.

TheABC · 17/08/2017 13:38

It's not just the DH's attitude towards the puppy, though. It's the fact that OP has an illness herself, four kids and a business to run, whilst her husband recovers from a life-threatening condition. If OP can find the dog a good home, she would relieve the pressure on them all and the dog would still have a loving family.

It sucks, OP. I am a big advocate of dogs being famiky instead of a disposable gift. But the circumstances have changed and if you knew then what you know now: would you have got the puppy?

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