Will I ever get over this.

[Theponylady]

I killed my dog last week. That's how it feels.

He was so young but had an incurable disease causing constant low level pain. He also had a number of other conditions that we were struggling to control. We sent him to specialists and tried everything but he was going to have to live with it for life. It's the sort of disease that you get under control, it lies dormant then flares up every few months but when it does it's horrible for weeks. He was so painful he struggled to eat or do much. Inbeteeen flare ups he was so happy, beautiful and we had so much fun.

He was stressed, nervous, scared of strangers and dogs. Probably from all of the treatment as a puppy. He was frightened on walks. Frightened to be touched by anyone but me. Frightened to play with dogs and couldn't go for proper walks for fear of meeting anything scary. He wasn't aggressive but was terrified. We couldn't take him anywhere and couldn't leave him with anyone as he panicked without me.

He went under Ga for another investigation and I told them not to wake him up. There was no real reason, nothing drastic found except the usual flare up he has every 3 months or so. I brought it up not the vet. I can't understand why I did this.

He was so full of love and life but I couldn't live with the thought of him painful and stressed any more. He was just a baby, my dream dog, my best friend. I spent every hour of every day with him.

I didn't get to say goodbye. I should have woken him up and told him I loved him so much. He died not knowing. He was so scared going into the vet for more treatment he tried to stay with me but I pushed him in, he knew what was coming and he shouldn't have died hungry and scared
I had no idea it would be the last time I saw him. It's happened so many times before I didn't even say goodbye.

Now I'm broken, there's no one waiting for me when I return. I work from home and my foot warmer is gone and the guilt is killing me. I've made a huge mistake I can't take back, he needed more time and wasn't ready. I wasn't ready.

There's no point to this post other than to write it down but I can't talk to anyone in real as it's just a dog and I feel I'm mad

You poor thing.

You will get over this because whichever way it happened, you saved your dog from a lifetime of pain. I'm quite sure your dog knew that he was loved and adored, he spent all day every day with you.

I lost one of my little dogs last year so I know how it feels. Everyone feels guilt for a time. It's a natural part of the process. Before too long you will be able to look back and accept you did everything you did for your friend, but it takes time.

In the meantime look after yourself.

I'm so sad for you reading this. You did the right thing, many of us would have bottled out. You did the right thing for him, rather than thinking selfishly of yourself. I think we all feel that we let our dogs go too early even though we know it was absolutely the right time. If he was in pain for weeks at a time that wouldn't have been fun for either of you. I hope the pain lessens in time and that another dog will find you when the time is right. You sound like a super dog owner - working from home and caring for your dog enough to be brave. x

You did a very brave thing, and in no doubt the right thing, be kind to yourself.

Thank you both of you.

I have another dog who is so sad too. They were best friends, sleeping, cuddling and playing together all the time.

I just feel like I did it for me, because I couldn't see him like that and because walking him was so stressful. Maybe he didn't want to go though

You poor love. It sounds like you did everything you possibly could to make his life wonderful for him, in his own way and with the things he could cope with. It's so so hard.

I beat myself up for years that I let my boy go too early but it was just because I wanted more time with him, logically I know it was right to let him go.

I'm so so sorry for you.

Oh bless you, sorry to hear your other dog is sad too. You definitely did the deed for him to stop his pain. When we were left with one dog after our other was PTS we got a new one fairly quickly (it was always on the cards, but seeing a sad dog brought forward the time).

Thankyou all once again.

I've spend the night searching for breeders. My heart so wants to fill the space left behind but the other part of me says it's just grief and I need to give it time.

We'd chosen our new dog just 9 days after losing our boy two years ago. Not the same breed. In some ways it can seem very quick but we wanted to ensure our other dog had company.

My heart goes out to you, I lost my girl 2 and half years ago and grieve daily for her. She died horrendously, like you I have never forgiven myself. so I fully understand your grief. From experience i don't think it will ever leave fully, however the heart consuming grief will lessen and eventually you will be able to think of fond memories and even random moments were something triggers you to laugh about little moments when they were cheeky or down right naughty but proud mum/owner in you put it down to supreme intellect etc rather than bloodymindedness or sheer belligerence.
Everyone is different regarding getting another dog.
I would love another dog and look for one reguarly on the for sale and rescue sites-it never goes any further though as in reality it's her I want back so could never have another dog and sadly don't think I ever will... my sister got another dog within weeks of her old boy passing (my fault I found an abandoned pup one evening after work and thrust it upon her as I couldn't nurse it with work and the old girl, it was meant to be temporary as too young for a kennel. nobody ever claimed him so the police/dogwarden etc said we could effectively keep him) she hated me at the time but now said it was the best thing for her. You still have someone there to pour your love into so you can grieve together.