This is going to be so long because it's eating away at me. I feel so sick and gutted. I don't even know exactly why I'm posting here. I guess because I hate myself and feel the need to confess or be told that I did the right thing. I can't bring myself to tell my husband and I feel like I'm lying to him by not telling him. I spent last night trying not to cry thinking about him back there. Have name changed for this because the situation is identifying. I feel like I need to give lots of backstory because I feel so fucking disgusted with myself and guilty.
The dog belonged to my husband's family. They bought him as a puppy. My husband and his brother were either late teens or young adults when they got him and living with their mom, so he was looked after by all of them but really belonged to my mother in law. When my husband and his brother moved out, the dog stayed with her. I looked after him whenever they were on holiday and loved him to bits but he was very difficult and not really trusted with my son.
Unfortunately, my mother in law became terminally ill. I provided daily care for her but was also pregnant. I essentially did everything in her house as well as providing personal care, trying to lift her etc whilst going through a high risk and very stressful pregnancy, with spd, suspected diabetes and out of control blood pressure and a history of eclamptic seizure meaning constant monitoring and being hospitalised a few times. I became far too pregnant and ill to be able to cope with her care but another family member was luckily able to take over by then. The dog had been living with us on and off at that point, depending on how he was behaving around carers, but there had been a couple of instances of him becoming aggressive, stealing and destroying things, stealing food from my mother in law because she was too weak to stop him and pulling out a tube by jumping onto her. I had hoped that my brother in law would be able to take him in but they then said he wouldn't get on with his wife's cat and bought another dog...
This left only me and my husband. We were his favourite people and my son was over the moon to have him, but he's not very good with children. My mother in law died and he came to live with us full time. It was a nightmare. I was desperate to keep him and tried my absolute best to address his worst issues in time for the baby's arrival but there were so many I couldn't cope. He bit me a few times. Once just for being in the kitchen when he'd somehow managed to get into the bin and pushed a chair over to the counter and used it as a step to get up! He frequently ate his own poo, then threw it up in the house, often under my bed, and then tried to bite me if I tried to move him away to stop him eating it again and clean it up. Frequently ate stones, sticks, anything really. He hadn't been trained at all and I think my mother in law's husband had been hitting him and throwing things at him as punishment, making him aggressive and protective as soon as he had something. He'd also been teased a bit by my brother in law. I don't think that was done in malice, but he really needed training from a young age and hadn't had it. I felt so frustrated that everybody else had washed their hands of him and I was left with an 8 year old, stubborn, overweight dog who needed some intense training and I was completely inexperienced and ill with not much energy and a short time to be able to focus on him. I wanted to get a dog behaviourist but we couldn't afford it until we received our inheritance and it took a long time. I upped the exercise and stopped the treats, as well as moving him onto better food, so he was losing weight and becoming much healthier. We did make some
headway in some areas but it was hard going. Unfortunately, he pulled a lot and had been encouraged to chase cats in the past, so having spd made it agonisingly painful. I can remember crying and being unable to move on one walk because I'd had to pull him back when he'd tried to chase a cat. He developed severe separation anxiety as a result of leaving my mother in law's house. He followed me from room to room which was fine with me, and I'm a bit of a homebody anyway, but have to do the school run and go to medical appointments. The few times we left him in a room, he destroyed everything he could reach, even though we thought we'd dog proofed it. He somehow managed to lock himself in when we first left him and we ended up having to kick the door in! So I was also attempting to crate train him, but the problem was that I didn't have time to take it all slowly before having to use it, so the training would be going well, then I'd have to use it and he'd be terrified of it again. He was quite big and strong and itd be five minutes or so of me trying to shove him in there while he bit up my arms and bashed me in the stomach trying to force his way back out. God, it was so upsetting. And he would howl and howl so I'd have to rush back home because I couldn't stand the thought of him being that scared and upset. His throat would actually get sore from howling so much 
I read lots of articles on how to prepare a dog for a babies arrival it there was no chance of it happening when even the basics hadn't been dealt with. I did have a friend of a friend who was a dog trainer, and very kindly agreed to help me, so there had been lots of long emails back and forth where we discussed how to train him and help him with his problems. A big problem that we had was that he didn't like being in an active house. He was 8 and despite being very youthful when he played or went on walks (or got up
to no good) he mainly wanted to be left alone at home. He seemed very stressed out by the constant noise and activity of my son, who was 8 at the time. Often tried to get away from him but my son is very intense and full on, doesn't really stop moving or talking at all. I tried putting his bed in a different room so it would be nice and quiet for him but he was too scared to be in a different room to me. The best I managed was putting it behind a settee but the noise and activity still bothered him and I could see that he felt stressed whenever my son was at home. There had also been a few incidents of him stealing my sons brightly coloured toys, because I don't think he could tell that they weren't meant for him. My son was old enough to understand not to try to take it back from him though he did growl at him a few times. By this point I had realised there was no way he could be trusted around a baby or toddler. I couldn't even imagine walking through the door holding a baby with the way he bounced all over us and scratched us.
Then I had an appointment and was told I had to be induced that day, so I was in hospital for a week. Luckily, one of my parents had the week off and took my son and the dog to their house and were able to stay with him all day. The birth was difficult and I had more problems. Then the baby was tongue tied and not feeding properly. When we came home I was an absolute mess. My midwife took me to the doctors and told them I needed to I back on antidepressants, I spent the first few days having panic attacks and crying all the time. Started pumping which was so difficult. The dog wasn't with us. I couldn't cope with it all. He needed to be constantly watched and I just couldn't do it anymore. I finally told my husband that I didn't think it was going to work and he was so angry at me. He didn't realise that babies live on the floor after a certain age and have their toys there. I could predict that one day, he would take one of the toys and the baby would go towards him wanting it back and he would bite him. Or the baby would make too much noise or accidentally hit/hurt him and he'd bite him. I just couldn't take that risk.
I found a breed specific place that would take him and rehome him, despite the biting. They don't put dogs down. The dogs live communally which I thought he would love because he loves company. And then he was adopted within four months, despite his age and his issues. We were over the moon! Went to a child free home where the woman was at home all day and they had another dog. It sounded perfect for him. Had the urge to check on him yesterday, actually prompted by considering whether we could adopt a dog which is child friendly. And then I realised that he's been sent back to the centre. I am gutted. I feel sick. I hate myself for even having thought about taking on another dog when he is out there without a family. I know realistically that we couldn't have him back. They wouldn't even let us have him, they've said he needs to be in a child free family because of his possessiveness. But thinking of him there without anybody is unbearable. And I feel like I've let my mother in law down. We promised we would look after him and I told myself that we had done that because he'd found a new home where he'd be happier as could get the attention he needs. It it turns out that he hasn't now. I can't bring myself to tell my husband and I feel like I'm carrying around this horrible secret and lying to him. And none of this is the poor dog's fault. I've spoken a little to people in real life about this when we decided we had to rehome him but they're not dog people and they don't get it. I was told 'it's just a dog' or even the he should be put down.