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The doghouse

If you're worried about your pet's health, please speak to a vet or qualified professional.

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Original poster

Would you have expected to be supported in this?

24 replies

chickensaresafehere · 11/10/2015 09:32

Just lost 18 year old JRT,we have another dog,a greyhound(10 years old,3 legs).
Wake up Saturday morning,it appears our grey has had a stroke in the night,she cannot use any of her 3 legs,her head is shaking & she is dribbling a lot.
Husband is going away for the weekend (pre arranged lads activity drinking weekend),he is being picked up at 8.30am.
Vets does not open until 9am,we are both distressed by the state of our beloved dog(especially after recently losing our JRT).
I get upset & ask him to come with me to the vets,then drive out & join his friends at activity(90 mins drive away)he does not answer my plea & just goes off with his friends leaving me to deal with the situation.
In the end I have to make the decision to have her PTS,vet says prognosis is not good at all & it would be the kindest thing to do.
My friend comes with me for support,it is awful & I am in a state.
I am beyond angry with my husband about this.I expected his support & he did nothing.
He is due home in a few hours & I want to ask him calmly 'WHY',it is massively out of character for him & I am very confused.
Would have posted in AIBU or relationships,but am feeling very delicate

OP posts:

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 11/10/2015 09:37

You poor thing, I'd be so upset with my dh if he did this. I don't know how to advise you. It would break my heart if he weren't there in my hour of need. It's so heartbreaking, he needs to be there with you, and go off later.

So sorry OP.

Original poster

chickensaresafehere · 11/10/2015 09:39

I know,I am so hurt by the choice of his actions & I need to understand why he ran away,when I needed him.

OP posts:

LeChien · 11/10/2015 09:42

Might he have run away because he couldn't face it again?
Not excusing him at all, trying to find an explanation.
He should have been there with you though, I'm so sorry you've lost both your dogs

sparechange · 11/10/2015 09:45

Your poor, poor thing for both situations. It must be utterly heartbreaking to lose both dogs so close together, but I would be furious for DH to put his head in the sand over and it and prioritise his hobby.

clam · 11/10/2015 09:46

"Might he have run away because he couldn't face it again?"

Lucky the OP faced up to it, though, eh?

I too would be beyond livid and would have lost respect for him too.

Original poster

chickensaresafehere · 11/10/2015 09:47

Yes,I think that may be the case,but what a cowards way out,leaving me to go through it again.The JRT was my dog,I had her from a puppy,I was distraught when we had her PTS(about a month ago now)and he was brilliant.The grey is more his dog (had her for 6 years,as a rescue),so that may explain it,but I still feel extremely let down by him, and at the moment unable to see past my anger at him

OP posts:

SonceyD0g · 11/10/2015 09:47

What would you have done had the situation been reversed? I had a similar situation when our cat was very sick and my OH went off knowing I was taking the cat to the vets that morning and he would prob be have to put to sleep. A friend had to drive me I was so distressed. After I phoned OH to tell him he didn't answer and it took him an hour to phone me back. A little part of me will never forgive him

slicedfinger · 11/10/2015 09:48

So sorry OP.

Has he ever had to take an animal to be pts himself? Just because of how things landed with us, I was always the one who was there. However when our beloved hound had to be pts a few years ago, dh had to do it, he realised for the first time how hard the act of taking the pet to the vet was, not just the actual loss.

Maybe he just didn't realise?

BubsandMoo · 11/10/2015 09:48

Is he Not An Animal Person?

To those of us who are Animal People we understand this is devastating, and I'm so sorry OP. But Not Animal People don't get it, and don't understand. They may say things like "just a dog" as well.

Is this actually a relationship issue rather than a dog-owning one though?

Original poster

chickensaresafehere · 11/10/2015 09:51

I would have supported him wholeheartedly,would have put off my 'jolly' until later and done what I expect most other people in a commited relationship would do,just be there.
I'm sorry SonceyD0g that the same happened to you,I fear a part of me will not forgive him for this too.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 11/10/2015 09:53

I too wondered if he just ran away as he couldn't cope. Shit excuse though.
We had our old cat pts in July. I wouldn't have dreamed of not being there. DH was working from home but didn't come with me. When our other cat was killed by a car it was me who went to say goodbye at the vets.
Thankfully he's better with the kids.

Original poster

chickensaresafehere · 11/10/2015 09:53

I may well post this in 'relationships,but as I put in my OP,I am very delicate at the moment & wanted to gauge what other dog lovers thought first.
He is a massive animal,lover by the way.

OP posts:

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 11/10/2015 09:55

He copped out but that is no excuse. As difficult as it is to face he should've put you and your dog above his drinking arrangements, I would be beyond furious too.

BubsandMoo · 11/10/2015 09:59

If he's a true animal person (rather than just accepted that he's married to one) then his actions are a bit baffling. What has he said about it since- have you not phoned/texted?

Does he have form for having to stick to plans and not thinking flexibly at all? Or not wanting to go against the crowd?

wannaBe · 11/10/2015 10:15

Could it be that he just assumes that you will be the one who takes care of things like this? I have always been the one who did the vets appointments for the animals even when i've known that the prognosis was likely to be bleak, and I was the one who made the ultimate decisions.

When I had to have my dog pts six years ago I took her to the vet, and made the appointment after the vet said things had got to a critical stage. Tbh it never occurred to me to suggest my h come with me as he had to go to work. It was actually his boss who suggested he work from home that day so he could come with me.

As it happened I was a complete emotional wreck in the vets and h was the one who stayed with her for the actual injection, but it was one of those things which I think he just thought would be something I did. Not out of malice or even thoughtlessness but because the animals were always my domain.

When I had the cat pts earlier this year I had no choice but to go on my own because she was seriously hurt and needed immediate attention, and my dp doesn't live local to me so couldn't have been here.

If it was something you specifically asked of your h and he said no I would have serious words about that though, but otherwise perhaps he credits you with a strength you shouldn't always feel you need to show.

NoahVale · 11/10/2015 10:36

dont get caught up in the dh blaming.

so sorry about your loss and your dh's loss.
he obviously coudnt handle the situation. try and see passed that

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 11/10/2015 10:47

The OP says in her opening post that she asked her H to postpone leaving and to go to the vets with her.

Floralnomad · 11/10/2015 11:58

Sorry for your losses .
If your OH is normally supportive and this is out of character I think I would try to move on without making it into a big issue and just assume that he felt he couldn't cope with it ,yes it's the cowards way out and I'm in no way saying he is right but where will having a row about it get you ? Bear this behaviour in mind though before you commit to any more animals as it will probably always be you having to deal with them at the sharp end IYSWIM .
I have always been seen as our families 'go to' person when any sick animal needs dealing with , be it horses ,dogs ,cats or small pets - I am always left to be the one holding a paw / hoof when they need to be PTS , I can't say it's a role I want but I know that my DH / dsis cannot cope with that sort of thing so I get on with it .

TheoriginalLEM · 11/10/2015 12:08

Oh, i am so sorry for your loss - how heartbreaking for you.

I cannot comprehend how he could have gone. Even if he couldn't face the trip to the vets (which at that point, although things didnt look good at all, there might have been something they could have done) How could he have just gone off on his trip?

You must be very angry - are things otherwise ok between you two?

BathtimeFunkster · 11/10/2015 12:13

Could it be that he just assumes that you will be the one who takes care of things like this?

He had a pretty big hint to the contrary when his wife asked him not to leave her to do it alone.

Original poster

chickensaresafehere · 11/10/2015 16:31

Well he has arrived home,very hungover & saying he was very sorry,but just could not deal with the situation,he realised that she would most probably be PTS & found it incredibly hard,so saw the lads weekend as an escape.
I said I felt very let down by him & having to cope with it on my own was awful.
He repeated that he was sorry again.
I'm still angry & wished he had told me this yesterday morning,rather than running off.
Hopefully we will talk about it more when he wakes up

OP posts:

SconeForAStroll · 11/10/2015 16:42

Oh chickens, I am so very sorry to hear about your poor dog .

I don't understand your dp's willingness to leave and hide his head in the sand, at least she had you there with her.

Nonnainglese · 11/10/2015 16:49

Oh chickens, I do feel for you. My DH wouldn't take any of our pets to be PTS over the years, it was always me, and yes, I bloody resented it.
I've said absolutely no more dogs (and definitely no cats), partly for that reason.
But then mine's always been a blasted ostrich......

clam · 11/10/2015 17:12

"but just could not deal with the situation.... & found it incredibly hard,so saw the lads weekend as an escape."

Well, poor old him. Lucky that you found it such a walk in the park then, eh? That you could skip in there on his behalf and do it for him without a care in the world.

How old is he, twelve?

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