I don't like, or trust, my dog.

[mjmooseface]

Hello! First time posting in the doghouse!

I think I know what I need to do, but just looking for others' advice and a confirmation of my own worries.

So, at the beginning of 2012, after we'd discovered we were expecting our first child, DH thought he'd surprise me with a dog. (I'd been living at home with various dogs and animals before moving in with him. But they were family pets. None were my sole responsibility.)

Trouble is... he got his mum to buy the dog whilst we were away on holiday for a week. I wasn't there. I didn't get to meet the dog that would become my pet. All I know is that he was rescued from a home where he was badly mistreated. Lived outside. He came to us covered in mud with a chunk out of his ear and very, very nervous. But DH, who's had experience of training former dog's of his, managed to get the dog to trust us and go for walks on the lead with us. He would sit across my lap on my bump as it got bigger.

I wasn't told anything about him! Only his name. I don't know how old he is, I'm not even sure what breed he is. I don't know what injections etc he's had, if he's chipped. Nothing. But I went with it. (A lot of other personal stuff was going on in that time, otherwise I would have dealt with it properly. I've made it very clear to DH that whilst I appreciate the gesture, I'd like to be a part of the process of getting a new pet and that this was not the right or proper way to go about it!)

Anyway. He is mostly lovely. But hates cats and we live in a neighbourhood of cats so he is always, always barking.

However, I don't trust him with my son. So much so that I keep them separate pretty much all during the day, using stair gates. My son is nearly 3. We live in a small flat. The dog growls and barks whenever my son goes past the room he is in. My son can't get to him, because of the stair gate. On occasions when they have been in the same room together or in the garden and I've been there, I have witnessed my dog go for my son. Not actually making contact, but enough to make me want to get rid of him. Although, I do think he has made contact before, but it happened so quickly, I can't be 100% sure and I couldn't find any marks on my son's arm. He shows his teeth at him when he is growling, which is aggression.

He barks every time I pick up and play with my son. He barks when we're playing together and throwing balls around. He barks when my son is in the bath, splashing. It seems I, or my son, can't do anything, without my dog barking or growling.

He has bitten my hand before when I was disciplining him. Broke through my skin. And he attacked my aunt's cat quite severely when she looked after the dog briefly when we were sorting out our housing and couldn't have the dog in our temporary accommodation. Our fault for not telling her how seriously he hates cats.

So I know I want to get rid of the dog. But it feels hopeless. How do you rehome a dog you have no information or paperwork on? And who doesn't like children?

DH has ASD and is really attached to the dog. WAY more so than me. Whilst he has witnessed the dog barking and growling aggressively at my son, he's never seen him go for our son and I think he thinks I'm making it up/exaggerating because I've made my feelings quite clear on how I feel about the dog.

It does make me sad, because I loved the dog before my son came along. But my son and his safety comes first.

Sorry this is so long. Just not sure what to do. Or how to go about what I need to do. Any advice? I'd really appreciate it as DH has made it clear it's my decision and doesn't want any part of it or to know if/when he leaves.

Marina, where do you think these in rehomable dogs are kept? In concrete kennels, for life. Their are some fates worse than PTS :(

You need to prioritise your son's safety and sadly get your dog safely rehomed. I am going to disagree with the poster above and say you should do it with or without your husband's agreement.

Dogs trust don't put down healthy dogs...but they will classify some behavioural problems as being mental health issues.

But also...living in a dogs home is not a good life for a dog.

The nose is one of the most sensitive areas of a dog, you should never hit a dog on his nose.

Even the most placid dog could bite from shock/pain/fear/all of the above if they are struck on the nose.

Poor dog, it doesn't sound like anyone around him has much of a clue. Not saying it's your fault, OP all of this was done behind your back, however, someone needs to step up and do what's right for this dog.

If you do rehome to a charity, which I think is the best thing in this case, please advise that he snapped at you after you struck him on the nose. Don't just tell them that he bit you.

The vast majority of dogs at the Dogs Trust do get rehomed, but those that aren't suitable aren't condemned to "concrete kennels"

www.dogstrust.org.uk/our-centres/salisbury/centre-updates/blog/sanctuary

There's nothing to suggest OP's dog can't be retrained and found a home though.

Got very little to add, except that my heart breaks for this dog.

Got his ears burnt.
Got bought by someone on an absolute whim.
Got "trained" by being tapped on his most sensitive bits with nerve endings.
Is scared and wary and unsocialised.
And now off again to the next destination for him.

And lest anyone says I don't understand kids and how precious they are, well, there's a human baby kicking up a riot in my ribs as I type this. My furry baby is lying at my feet - if anyone "tapped" her nose I'd probably punch them.

Get this poor dog re homed. I wish I could shake up this DH. And physically hurt those who burnt the furry ear. Oh god.

I am very sad for my dog, too.

None of this is how I would have gone about getting a family pet and I don't think I'll ever have one again after this.

For the record, I didn't know the nose was the most sensitive part of a dog. Also, it's not something that we have done a lot of. Our dog is a very good dog. I haven't disciplined him since the last time I did that and he bit me. I have just gone along with what other people have said. If I had made the conscious decision to get a pet, I would have made sure I knew everything there was to know about being the owner of that particular pet. But because other people supposedly knew more than me, I trusted them to be right. And they weren't. Like I said, our dog hasn't been disciplined much at all because he is really good generally.

Also. He's not constantly behind a stair gate. Just when my son is roaming freely in the house. When he is napping, sleeping, eating, out of the house or playing in his room, the dog has free reign. We have a huge garden for him to run around in. Lots of walks, love and hugs and tummy tickles, toys, beds and treats. He is very much loved and treated very well here. We give him lots of love and attention in the evening when DS is in bed, too.

But the problem is not just how the dog behaves towards my son. It's also that my son has severe autism and doesn't know how to be around the dog either. Autism isn't something we could possibly have known our child would have. Our dog was absolutely fine with our son when he was born. It's since DS has gotten mobile and moving around that the problems started. So I also don't trust my son to not hurt the dog, not knowing or understanding any better. Which is also why I keep them apart as much as possible. The times they are together, the dog is usually running away from my son and my son's chasing him!

I am not happy with the situation and neither is my dog. I am trying to do what's best for everyone and I think rehoming him to a child free home is the way to go. There are a couple of people I know who I will ask first. I will be very honest about his history and my concerns and also the nose tapping thing. If any charities didn't think he could be rehomed, then I will go down the behavourist and training route and work with him and hope that in the long run, that will work.

DH has also learnt from this, too. It won't be happening again like it did. He thought he was doing something sweet for me, but it wasn't thought through properly and it has caused a huge mess.

Also. My mother is not some ''backyard money raker''. She's been breeding pedigree labradors for years and they are all hand reared in a loving family home with lots of other animals. It's only recently she started breeding cockerpoo's which are a cocker spaniel and poodle crossbreed.

Thank you all for your help, advice, suggestions and admonitions. I really do appreciate it.

Well that's my opinion I'm afraid. There is no reason to breed cockerpoos other than money as the (long) list of health tests your mother is doing should prove. Labradors have enough problems for a dedicated breeder to eradicate. They also happen to be exceptionally easy to sell. It also confuses me that she has let this situation continue if she is knowledgeable about dogs, her daughter was bitten and her grandchild at risk but that really is by the by at this point.

As regards to your dog, love is not enough, sadly it never is. I appreciate you would have learned in advance but he was a surprise, however once you had responsibility for him it was incumbent on you also to learn from his training and socialization classes and vet checks considering how much of his care and time was in your sole charge. I'm glad you were able to talk this through with your DH without it causing resentment or relationship strife.
I think you've made a good decision for your family, wish you luck in your endeavours and hope one of the potential people can give the dog a happy home for the rest of his days.

Bernard I'm actually estranged from my mum for other reasons so she doesn't know about the concerns about my dog. It was my MIL who got us the dog. I'm estranged from her also. So I don't have any kind of support network. It's why I came here. :) I know it's a shit situation. I do care about my dog and that's why I'm trying to sort this out so he can be happier.

quietlysuggests Thanks for that. I didn't know about that. I do know about animals sometimes helping people with autism. Might consider it in the future when DS is older and we have more of an idea of what he will be like.

I'm probably in the minority here, but I would seriously consider having the dog put to sleep if you can't rehome through somewhere that will offer lifelong support to a new home.

Facebook, dogs homes, newspapers, selling sites etc are full of dogs that ARE good with kids, ARE good with cats, ARE able to be integrated into a family, he's the sort of dog that ends up being passed pillar to post, bouncing around from one home to the next.

Oh I dunno. My family took on a little pyscho when I was a kid. He was hard work and needed a lot of love but was clever and funny. He was never 100% normal but he chilled out and became affectionate, playful and happy over time. Someone out there may well fall in love with the OPs dog as much as we did.

Ekkwhine that's why several of us suggested a rescue, as having a dog put to sleep for the reason that he doesn't get on with a child is not a good enough reason for a reputable vet to euthanise.

You can't just put it down when there are other avenues to try.

OP clearly does care about the dog but is, very sensibly, putting her child's welfare first. I can't see how putting it to sleep when there are viable alternatives would be helpful.

I wasn't implying it should be put down, I was saying what I would do IF a secure place wasn't found.

These days it's not an option to just secure a place, I worked with a rescue for a while last year, and they were full to bursting, trying to ring around and and secure other rescue places, there weren't enough places and weren't enough fosterers.

It's very easy to get fooled by someone offering a lovely home. I did. And it involved practically snatching the animal back. I'm not for euthanising an animal for no reason but I've said it before and I will again, I would rather an animal be euthanised, preferably in it's own home though that's often not an option, but with people around it that it knows and trusts than end up with an uncertain future.

I have two dogs. One would be fantastic and would settle anywhere, the other I would put to sleep rather than rehome. Mentally he wouldn't cope. He's a neurotic wreck at the slightest hint of change, he wouldn't eat, he'd get horrendous diarrhoea and would drive himself insane.

It's not that I don't love him, I really do, I take him everywhere, I've owned him eight years, I adore that dog, more than I could ever put into words. It's because I love him so much that I would do it. It would break my heart, it would probably break me.

I sincerely hope the OP can find a rescue or independent organisation that can help, or at least give her backing, I really do.

I don't know your location OP but there's a lady in Cambridgeshire that deals with specialty rehoming of dogs with behaviour problems. I can try and find her number for you.

OP
You need to . re home the dog unless you have lots of time with a behaviourist. And can be sure of your sons safety during this time.
I am the biggest animal lover in the world and hate people who rehome dogs when a baby comes along but I think this is different.
Please stop being physical who an already abused dog

My story is that we have had dogs all our lives. Always from local dogs home. Our old dog passed away about five years ago and we waited to have a new one due to the responsibility etc
Last year we approached a local charity to rehome a rescue dog. We specifically did not want a puppy as breeders only in it for the money. Plus, for gods sake there are enough dogs on this earth already looking for a home

We got a young dog who had apparently lived alongside. Cats and dogs and cats had been 'tested' with children.
We had him less than two weeks and had to return.him
He nearly killed the cat
He went for every dog he saw
Most importantly he went to try to bite all of my dcs
Eldest.whos a teenager wasnt scared as hes a big lad.and dog small. Jumped.up.and bit for no.reason
Worst situation was youngest.dc walked in kitchen while I was cooking and again, jumped up to bite him. Unprovoked

It killed me to.send the poor thing back but I was nervous around him. Thats not how a pet is meant to make you feel

We are in the process of looking for another but are doing our homework.

I'm not an expert on dog training but I have a DH with AS. It's going to be hard, but I would support you re homing the dog. For all your sakes.

If your Ds is on the spectrum, then what he learns these years is incredibly important. It is like writing in a whiteboard with a non erasable pen, in someone's words. You want neither to compromise his immediate safety nor leave him with dog issues.

Tbh, my three year old DS might have had probs sharing his ball. But as he is not AS, such events don't usually leave indelible marks on him. Whereas DH carries the scars of nursery school onwards.

And your DS will find it hard to make the necessary allowances for the poor dog. No child would find it easy. But esp one on the spectrum. And the ddog can't be expected to understand esp with the previous history.

Use the latter as the argument with your DH, I'd suggest. No blame. Just not the right setting for dog, not the right dog for your DS. But having had your dog, you have given him a better start and your DH can be pleased to have rescued him from his terrible conditions and in effect fostered him before he finds his forever home. Or that's the way I'd put it to DH. And be calm and assertive, using the same phrases over and over again and not raise my voice. But by the time he came back in eg Tuesday ddog would have gone.

I just wanted to update anyone who may be interested that our dog has been re-homed!

I contacted a few rescue centres who confirmed what I had learnt for myself, which is that our breed of dog doesn't normally get on with young children. We chose a lovely little rescue centre 5 minutes' drive from us. It's small and run by a nice, older couple. They have a no kill policy and check the dogs are vaccinated, micro-chipped and neutered when they go to them, or they do that before the dogs go on to their new families. The owner said he really didn't think our dog would be with them for long as he is really friendly, cute and a good dog. And he was right, our doggy was only there for 6 days before going to his new family! They spent some time with him and he took to them straight away. I'm just waiting for a picture or message to say how well he's getting on in his new home. The new owners know our dog's previous history and that he should be kept away from cats!

Thank you to everyone for your advice and comments. This has been a massive learning curve for us all. DH is okay now that the dog has gone and is in a new home and life is a lot more relaxed for my son at home. It was really sad to say goodbye to our four legged friend in the end but it was the right decision for everyone.

I do keep nearly tripping over thinking I'm about to trip over the dog! And I wait for the barks that used to come when I opened the garden gate and then opened the front door!

The title of my post was misleading. I did love my doggy really! :(

Hi mj

Just read the whole thread again as I had read the beginning a while back.

So, so pleased to see your update! It must be a huge relief that you have been able to rehome him through a rescue.

There's no doubt you loved the dog and he was very lucky to have you looking after him, even for the short term. He's certainly a lot better off in his new home, your DH can feel good about getting the dog out of the previous home he was in.

I hope you feel a lot less stressed now. It sounds like you have enough going on in your life without the additional tensions that the situation brought and I think you've absolutely done the right thing by rehoming him.

Good to hear a positive outcome all round .

Thanks BagelwithButter and HarrietSchulenberg :) I've just learned this morning that our dog has settled in straight away and is really happy with his new family. They have three older children so he has lots of people to love him and play with him. There were a lot of enquiries into our dog in the short space of time he was there. I'm happy he's happy. :)