Ive had a golden retriever puppy 4 days....and changed my mind

[Eliza22]

Does this happen? I feel overwhelmed.

Story...

My son is 14 and has autism and OCD. He has no friends despite many many efforts. He is high functioning. We've had his name on a list for an autism assistance dog for years but he's now too old for the list. A year ago, we sourced a breeder and decided to get him the doggy companion ourselves. So far so good. Two litters went by....no bitch for us until now.

The pup is beautiful. Full of energy but very clever, as these Goldens are! But, my son is tearful and upset (and so am I) because we have a beloved cat who is 7. She has taken the dog very, very badly. Last night, my son came to me in tears saying "I miss Tallulah (the cat), I want the dog to go away if we are going to lose Tallulah".

I should add....I'm 53 and menopausally emotional at the best of times. Have I made a massive mistake? We've had the idea of a golden retriever companion for our son for so so long, what HAVE I done?! I feel like ringing the breeder and saying keep the cash....I've made a mistake.

Help!

[tabulahrasa]

Oh and...they are very very time intensive to start with, but as adults they mostly sleep or hang about relaxing unless it's actually walk or play time.

[nellieellie]

So sad to read about your DS and the incident at the park. It is heartbreaking when you see your child as a victim of such cruelty. I would also contact the school where these children go. They need to realise how shameful this behaviour is. The police have been rubbish. Even if they think they can't prosecute, they should give them a good telling off, and the parents should know, so at least they'd realise it was serious. Re the pup, I got a dog for similar reasons, difference being I grew up with dogs and knew what to expect. 2 days in, both DS and DD came running up to me crying to say they didn't want the dog anymore because he was chasing them and nipping. (I'd made the mistake of leaving room to go to the loo). I calmed them down, sat them down and explained very firmly that I was not going to stand for such talk. The dog was ours, nipping was normal and we would sort it. He was not going anywhere. He was a member of the family now. I ensured there were plenty of toys around and it became a rule that if they were playing with pup, they had to have a toy in hand for him to chew and nip instead of fingers. They got treat bags and clickers for training. I know your main issue is the cat. It's a problem you can solve by giving the cat a dog free area. My DS now has the dog as his 1st port of call when he feels unable to communicate with the rest of us. However upset he is, when our pup goes up to him and sticks his big wet nose into DSs face, it brings him round, calms him down and returns him to us happy. Magic.

[insanityscatching]

Definitely agree pups are very labour intensive. Eric as a pup slept 11pm til 6am but other than that he was pretty much on the go all the time.He would nap for five minutes or so and then be recharged and up for more mischief
At 18 months though he gets up around half seven and potters about until after the school run. He sometimes then naps until 10 and we go for a walk or we walk straight after the school run. He then dozes for much of the afternoon although we do sometimes play and train for about half an hour. He has his lively spell once dd is back and the others start getting home but they all fuss and play with him and so he doesn't interfere with me cooking. After dinner he goes for another walk and then snoozes the evening away until the final walk round the block at eleven.He gets a biscuit then and sleeps through til morning and helpfully at weekends he stays in bed until the first person gets up.

[BrendaBlackhead]

Eliza - you will also have the zoomies!! This is where a puppy suddenly goes absolutely bonkers and zooms round the house at top speed in a sort of mad trance before collapsing in a heap. My dog at two years old still does this occasionally. At first we were all astounded and I was on the internet worried I'd acquired some sort of devil dog. Now we are sad that the zoomies are few and far between!

[insanityscatching]

Oh yes zoomies are rare here now too where they happened every day as a puppy. A very good walk where he got the chance to get wet and muddy will set of a zoomie occasionally,it's usually a sign that Eric is very happy with his lot.

[BrendaBlackhead]

We had an epic zoomie this morning when Dog found a stream. He must have been going at 90mph. He has been snoring on the sofa with his legs in the air for four hours...

[pigsDOfly]

Ddog is 4 year old now and we still get quite a lot of zoomies - she's small so perhaps it's easier for her to get her bum down low - they always happen just after we come home from a walk. It's as if she's enjoyed her walk but getting home is even better.

[mrslaughan]

I am not from the UK , and moved here, son dyspraxic and sensory issues. The move sent him into orbit and the first year was really hard, found it so hard to make friends , because my way to make friends was through my son.....who was so badly behaved at school nobody wanted to know me!
Anyway getting a dog was a fantastic way to make friends and meet people. People who you wouldn't meet , or run into you find yourself talking too. Having a dog is a great way to break the ice, and gives you a conversation starter.
Now it may not be his peer group, but dog obedience, ring craft classes and agility classes are full of great people who could be his "friends" and the dog is the entree into them.
If you can hang in there I think it could be a really great thing for him.

[Eliza22]

That was my intention. Where ds finds it impossible to start a conversation, people always stop to talk to a dog. I'm trying as hard as I can and she IS beautiful!

Thanks Mrslaughan

[Floralnomad]

She is incredibly beautiful .

[mrslaughan]

Also remember that she needs to learn to be on her own, you are there to care and love her, but are not her personal entertainer on call 24/7
Part of training her , is teaching her to be with you, without entertaining her constantly. She need to learn how to just be. If you are constantly entertaining her, that's what she will expect...... It is a hard balance.
Also remember that as a puppy she needs loads of sleep, but like a baby, she will need help to learn to do this , that's where crate training is great, though her own little room with a bed in it, where she can see out , but is separated, does exactly the same thing. Also like a baby/toddler if she gets overtired she will be unspeakable! Which is v hard for kids to deal with esp those on the spectrum.

[Eliza22]

MrsLaughan that's SUCH good advice, and very reassuring. It makes perfect sense that if I try to entertain her "because she's a baby who's left her mum/puppy mates" then I will have a needy adult dog. I don't want that. I'd like an easy going, lovely, biddable companion for all the family. Thank you.

[Eliza22]

Also, Mrs L I relocated from South West to North of England when ds was 8 yrs old. We had made a few friends from nursery/Reception but once we moved, it was very isolating and there were really no opportunities to make friends. The kids at school seemed to have their own little well established groups by 8/9/10. I invited other kids to play but ds never got invited back. To this day, I have no local friends and have to travel to meet up with "old" friends. It's incredibly isolating having a child with autism and ds was "not bad enough" for the very autistic groups but "not good enough" for the neuro typical kids.

That's still where we're "at" but at age 14.

[mrslaughan]

I really would persevere....also one of my best friends now, is one of my sons best friends......but I don't think I would have really got to know his mum, if we hadn't got a dog and started walking together. I also think that My sons friendship has endured and become stronger with her Dson, because of our friendship.
Dson can be tricky at times. His Dyspraxia affects his social skills, so I do have some insight into what you have experienced and it is tough.
I still look back in amazement as to how dogs break the ice with people.
It will get better.

My Dson wa the one desperate to get a dog, but we choose the breed - he's a giant. When we went to pick him up, dog was 7 months and 45kg, was so excited by the kids that he completely bowled Dson over.....this made him(Dson) a bit stand offish with him to start with, but they now have a very strong bond.

[mrslaughan]

BTW I think its appalling the police didn't take it further, a firm conversation with those children and their parents was in order.

[NikkiAnn]

Hi Eliza
Newbie here- sorry to hijack your thread but I saw the title and pounced on it thinking someone felt the same way! We have had our 10 week old lab x border collie since Friday and two nights ago I was sobbing thinking we have made a huge mistake. It seems as though everything I read tells me how I need to get it right and if I dont I will have a terrible adult dog and the fear of failure is overwhelming- along with being 8 weeks pregnant with no 4, and my youngest is 11 months. What did you decide in the end? X

[Eliza22]

I've kept her"...so far. She's beautiful but needs so much. I'm worn out. You must be! I'm suddenly scared that I've got 14+ years of being run ragged and it makes me want to return her. I have THE FEAR.

[tabulahrasa]

"I'm suddenly scared that I've got 14+ years of being run ragged"

No, honestly it gets way easier...it gets gradually less and less work and suddenly one day you realise it's all kind of worked itself out.

I have a 3 yr old pretty active dog from an active breed...he kind of follows me about a bit if I look like I might be doing something interesting, asks to go out in the garden for the toilet a couple of times a day and has a bit of bouncy half hour at night when everyone is about because that's exciting (nothing like puppy zoomies though).

Other than that, if I'm not doing anything directly with him, he sleeps.

If he's under walked or otherwise a bit neglected for a couple of days...then he'll start to get a bit more trouble but that's because he's bored.

As a puppy he was a full time job.

[Eliza22]

Ok tabularhasa but for how many years does that take

You give me hope though!

[juneau]

My dad has golden retrievers - he and step-mother are on no.s 3 & 4 at the moment. They're very lively as puppies, but they do seem to calm down loads by about a year old and by two or three they're pretty chilled out and spend most of their time asleep on the floor by the aga - at least in cold weather! They need one long walk a day, but other than that the only real issue is that the particular two they have currently are chewers and they eat all kinds of things they shouldn't and cost them a fortune in vet's bills. Hopefully your dog will be better behaved.

[tabulahrasa]

Between 1 and 2 they're proper adult dogs...but they get easier way before that.

Once they're housetrained that's a huge difference, then when you get into a routine of walks and what have you they get way easier as well. But also you get used to them and they're more predictable and your training starts to pay off so you can tell them not to do something.

They get a bit annoying as teens, anywhere between 9 and 18 months - but it's nowhere near as bad as the first couple of months.

[BrendaBlackhead]

My golden retriever who is 2 had a long walk this morning where he hooked up with a couple of pals and wore himself out. He's been reclining on the sofa the rest of the day, save for a quick trip to the washing line for a bit of petty theft (just saw my tights in a shrub at the end of the garden...).

[pigsDOfly]

Oh it definitely get so much easier.

It does take time and effort but it's so worthwhile.

When you know your dog and your dog knows you and understands what you want from him/her, it stops being hard work and becomes a very special bond.

[FernieB]

Just seen this thread and read through the posts. Im absolutely appalled by what happened to your DS in the park. I also live in Cheshire and have teens - they've never witnessed anything like that thankfully. Hope your DS is okay now.

How is he coming round to the puppy? We don't have a dog but I lurk here as we're thinking of taking the plunge. So I can't offer any puppy advice but I hope it's going better and the cat is adapting to the new arrival.

[Eliza22]

you are all so lovely, bless you! Very kind of you to give all this positive support.

I had this vision of my Aspergers ds and his calm and biddable golden, out walking and it being a point of conversation for him, as most people stop to stroke a golden (I've noticed). I HAVE to hang on to that vision, at this time.

The various issues with my son and his never ending vulnerability have me stressed and heartbroken in equal measure so, I'm not in the best place emotionally atm so, probably NOT the best time to take on a puppy, timing wise. But, we've been toying with the idea for years and sought a breeder over 14 months ago so, it's been such a shock now it's here!