Ive had a golden retriever puppy 4 days....and changed my mind

[Eliza22]

Does this happen? I feel overwhelmed.

Story...

My son is 14 and has autism and OCD. He has no friends despite many many efforts. He is high functioning. We've had his name on a list for an autism assistance dog for years but he's now too old for the list. A year ago, we sourced a breeder and decided to get him the doggy companion ourselves. So far so good. Two litters went by....no bitch for us until now.

The pup is beautiful. Full of energy but very clever, as these Goldens are! But, my son is tearful and upset (and so am I) because we have a beloved cat who is 7. She has taken the dog very, very badly. Last night, my son came to me in tears saying "I miss Tallulah (the cat), I want the dog to go away if we are going to lose Tallulah".

I should add....I'm 53 and menopausally emotional at the best of times. Have I made a massive mistake? We've had the idea of a golden retriever companion for our son for so so long, what HAVE I done?! I feel like ringing the breeder and saying keep the cash....I've made a mistake.

Help!

[basildonbond]

Your poor ds - mind you he's a lot braver than my ds - there's no way he'd go anywhere near the local park (also in a naice area)

I have very little advice on the friends front as ds never goes out voluntarily and never socialises IRL - to the extent that he has a social life at all it's all online - he plays in a team fortress 2 league and his spare time is taken up with organising matches, team practices etc (which is ironic considering his organisational skills at school are a work in progress...)

As I said earlier ds hated our puppy with a passion when we first got him - now the first thing he does when he gets home from school is cuddle the dog

If I'd gone by ds's and the cat's reactions in the first few weeks I'd have rehomed our puppy, however because I'd grown up with dogs I knew how rewarding the relationship could be

[insanityscatching]

Also puppies are really forgiving. Ds mostly ignored Eric for the first few months until he stopped the nipping and jumping up. Nowthey are the best of friends and ds talks to Eric before anyone else when he gets up and comes home.
Don't worry if ds doesn't seem to like puppy just yet and a great idea from Lem to make it ds's job to keep reassuring the cat. One day further down the line,most likely when puppy is more reasonable, she will jump at he chance at being a friend to your ds even if he has ignored her for months.

[Eliza22]

I've phoned 101 and reported the incident. The police will visit this evening, to talk to ds about it.

[TheoriginalLEM]

thats good.


poor ds. i really feel for you. my dd doesn't have asd but it wouldn't surprise me if she wasnt on the spectrum some where. She has no friends and it breaks my heart.

[Eliza22]

Yes, I too think the breeder is putting strong pressure on us considering he knew that ds is autistic and still agreed to let us have the pup. I also know that most good breeders have it in the contract that should there be a problem, THEY ARE THE FIRST TO WANT TO KNOW AND HAVE THE ANIMAL RETURNED. I paid £900 for her. I don't expect a refund.

[pigsDOfly]

Christ, that assault on DS sounds horrendous. Glad to hear you've reported it. Hope he's okay now. Second pp who suggested Scouts or similar. Those kids in the park are just thugs.

The cat will no doubt adjust. I had two 17 year old cats when I got my Ddog 4 years ago. The female pretty much ignored the pup and they left each other alone and that never changed. The male however, fell in love with pup and they would curl up together to sleep.

Male was typical ginger cat though; very handsome, bit thick but loved everyone:)

[overthemill]

We have a 6 year old dog. At Christmas we got a rescue kitten. Took a few weeks but they are now the best of friends. I would wait and try not to stress though I know with son this is hard

[Eliza22]

basildonbond. My son has spent his entire life so far drawing, on the Wii and collating his various collections of things. Suddenly, after trying many many social outlets (bowling, judo, football, computer club, drama club, scouts, autism network club for teens) he's suddenly said "I have no friends....I'm going out". My heart's in my mouth every moment he's gone and I mother the life out of him on his mobile.

[Pony74]

Hi OP. My advice is to get felliway for the cat as others have suggested. Our beloved cat now tolerates being in the same room as dog, whereas in the beginning I was worried she might leave us.

Bastards who hurt your DS. If you're in brighton I can help with the dog.

[BrendaBlackhead]

OP is in Cheshire, I think. Bit of a long drive for me to help too!

OP - your dog is obviously too little at the moment, but classes might be an option for your ds (with you as chauffeur and back-up of course). He could "take ownership" of the training and in the classes I did (ahem - got thrown out of ) there were several teenage boys. In fact species teenager is a good handler as they are stronger than a wimpy old mum with a frozen shoulder (me).

[Eliza22]

Thanks Pony and Brenda. Very thoughtful of you to offer help! I know that once we can do pup classes and we've had our 6 sessions with the one to one home trainer, it will be better than now and being grounded, as it were.

Waiting for the police to arrive now.

[sunnydaylucy]

I felt exactly the same as you do 3 days after we got Dpup 6 months ago. My very old cat (19), never came out of the bedroom, he stopped eating and the puppy was peeing/pooping everywhere. I am ashamed to say I cried over the stupid decision I had made (had been deciding for 2 years!!). But things turned around after about 3 weeks, the cat made it clear to the pup who was in charge!

I've never owned a dog before and it's been a massive learning curve for us all but I wouldn't be without him now (even though he is going through a teenage phase). My eldest DD 13, was having trouble at school and she really bonded with the dog, they are now firm friends and she rushes home to see him.

I would give it a few more weeks, she will still be young (& cute) enough to rehome. You could talk to the breeder to see if they will take her back, decent breeders will apparently.

[Eliza22]

The police came and talked to DS. They were pretty good talking about staying safe and boundaries and how real friends don't hurt you etc. they decided to draw a line under it. Nothing will be done. As for the pornography link they sent him, again, delete it and draw a line under it.

I was fairly disappointed. I think the kids should have received a verbal warning from community officers.

[Eliza22]

Oh, and I will give it a few more weeks. The Feliway is ordered and on its way.

[pigsDOfly]

Hmm. So nobody's even going to explain to these kids that their behaviour is bloody disgusting. Why? I'm not sure I'd leave it there. Did the police tell you why they aren't speaking to them. That's really not acceptable.

Did you said they were in school uniform, maybe you should speak to their school? Although, unless you know who they are that's probably not going to go any further. But it still might be worth a mention.

How's things with pup now?

[Floralnomad]

Id be speaking to someone higher up at the police - that's a very disappointing response as it just puts the onus on the victim to stay out of trouble . How's the cat today ?

[Eliza22]

The police said that ds's account portrayed a situation that started out with everyone having a bit of fun but it got out of hand. Turns out ds removed his own glasses as he thinks he's "nerdy/ugly" in his glasses. With the dragging, the arm snapped off as they were in his jeans pocket. Also, police said it's hard to prove who said/did what and to avoid repercussions in the future, to just stay away from them and for ds to make new friends. (Easier said than done).

I sent a text to the girl and said how upset and disappointed I was that kids who attend the best academy school for the area could be so cruel and show such little kindness to a young disabled boy. She apologied. Said she'd heard about it though she wasn't there and that if ds wanted to still come to the park, to call her personally and she would look after him. It's all so sad but that's the endlessness of the worry of having a kid who's "different".

[Eliza22]

Oh sorry. Haven't seen the cat. My do is still so disappointed with me for thinking of giving into the easy option of returning her so soon. I AM ashamed of what I've done. No one feels worse than me.

[Floralnomad]

Don't blame yourself ,it sounds like you have a lot on your plate - I'd take the girl up on her offer if your DS is still keen to get out and about , it's at least worth a try .

[Eliza22]

There's so little in our area and what we HAVE tried, he's not taken to so, it's difficult. There's anNAS one about 30 miles away which he flatly refuses to go to. We tried a local one which had such a broad age range that there were 5 yr olds and 22 yr olds together. He just turned to me and said "I'm not like that, it's NOT for me". I was inclined to agree. We've done trampolining club, scouts, drama group, football, gymnastics, computer club....lots really!

[Eliza22]

Oh, and I had NO IDEA with regard to the pup, how much play/attention she would demand. I feel so guilty because I was hearing round the garden with her at 7am this morning and mp by 11 am, I just wanted her to go away. Shocking!!!

[tabulahrasa]

Bit random...but has he tried warhammer? It's a hobby that definitely suits people on the spectrum (if it interests them of course) and there are clubs kicking about.

That's how my DS ended up with friends. (He has AS)

With respect to the puppy, as I said before it does take cats ages to adjust to changes, days in is nothing - it takes my cats that long to stop being suspicious of moved furniture, nevermind an animal, lol.

But also - I think we forget that when you get a dog, it's a stranger, you need to get to know it and there's this thing in your house that you're responsible for and there's no bond yet...that I think is part of why people have a bit of a panic a few days in.