Husband wants to "get rid of" our puppy :(

[SweetTeaVodka]

We have a beautiful 14 week sprocker spaniel puppy. I am head over heels for him but since he arrived my husband's depression has worsened and he blames the dog. He has no patience for normal puppy behaviours and will often refuse to even be in the same room as the dog. Husband keeps saying that we wants to "get rid" (I.e. rehome) him. Doing so would break my heart and I'm not sure how I would ever get over the anger at him it would (and is) cause. But as it is my marriage seems to be in tatters. I know no one here will have any magic solutions but I just need to talk to someone. It's like trying to have a conversation with a wall talking to him at the moment. People around me keep pushing me to make a decision. It doesn't help that my own depression and anxiety had massively improved and I'm worried the grief from rehoming the puppy would cause me to deteriorate. Being torn between the two of them is already having a negative impact but I can't just go back to how it was before he was here as if nothing.ever happened (which is what my husband seems to want).

I agree with LadyTurmoil and SusieDaisy. My advice would be that the puppy needs rehoming while it has a better chance of doing so. To leave the decision longer and longer will have worse consequences for all three of you. (you will be even more attached, your DH more ill and the puppy less 'desirable' to another family - sorry that last one sounds stark, but it's unfortunately true).

Depression is not an illness that follows particular logic or wishes. It is debilitating and unpredictable. Yes, perhaps initially your DH was keen on a puppy, but it sounds as though he has tried having it in the house and it is making his illness worse. I understand about your illness too, I can see why this would be a hard choice. But at the moment, you are well, and he is the one who is ill, so I do think his acute problem needs to be seen to be the priority.

Equally, you say your marriage is in tatters. Is this puppy just a symptom of that and you need to consider if the marriage is viable at all?

We have a 20 week old working cocker, so not much different to a sprocker. I know other people here are saying make the decision quickly, but the other thing I would say is that you are bang in the middle of the hardest bit with a new puppy. The first month of so with ours, well I adored him and he was a good puppy but I've honestly never been as exhausted, even when DCs were newborn. It felt like a newborn who could run around, jump and generally could not be left for a second. Could you talk to your husband and see whether he thinks it might improve. Already at 20 weeks ours is easier.

I also suffer from depression. It's not been bad for a while, but I do feel properly down sometimes. Since having the puppy there have been a few time when I felt like I coudn't face doing anything and had to take him out for a walk, and being outside did help and make me feel a bit better. Not suggesting its a cure for proper depression, by any means, but maybe if you can get past the first few weeks it will help. Perhaps your husband feels overwhelmed by it having thought it would help him, so its made him feel worse in the short term.

Either way, really sorry for all of you. Must be a horrible situation to be in.

Firstly can I say how sorry I am that you find your selves in this situation, sweettea. It sounds pretty awful.

I am not sure how bringing a pup into your home at such a fragile time can make things better, and it hasn't, has it? I am sure you intentions were all well meant.

However, in my opinion, and it's very much that, I feel you ought to find a new home for the pup (ideally somewhere closeby, where you might be able to see ddog), and try to improve the mental health of your family.

We all love our pets, but as such siedaisy experienced, it only raised anxiety levels. And that cannot be helpful.

I wish you good luck, and hope you can find a way to move forward.

Perhaps you could find someone whose ddog you could walk on a regular basis, so you can enjoy the therapy that being with an animal brings without the complications of owning one.

(((Hugs)))

OP, if decide not to keep the pup please, at the very least, let the breeder know what's going on. All the breeders I know would be devastated if either a new puppy owner did not feel able to approach them when they having problems or the puppy was rehomed and they lost track of it.

It's an impossible situation OP - if you rehome the puppy it will have a detrimental on your anxiety, and I don't think you should ignore your mental health here, in favour of your dh's.

I don't believe in re-homing dogs except in the most dire circumstances, your dh chose the puppy, he made the decision - they are not things to be chucked out because they are a bit difficult. And I'm finding it hard to see why you should lose your beloved puppy, that is so beneficial and important to you.

Is this something that will improve when the puppy grows up, is well trained and loses the 'puppy behaviours'? Will some intensive puppy training ease the situation? We have just rescued a 10mth (untrained) spaniel, (to go with our old lab) and in all honesty, I've found caring for him harder work than my babies. Frankly, it's like having a destructive, un-nappied toddler just land in your home. But I know he'll get better with time, socialisation and training. He's gorgeous.

Can you talk to your dh about what he expected a family dog to be, and how you can train the puppy to fit into this? About how the puppy phase won't be forever?

Have you been to marriage guidance at all? Depression is a really horrible condition and it's a bloody nightmare when the sufferer refuses to take responsibility. It's also a very physical thing, much more than being merely grumpy. Is your husband able to sleep and eat and speak normally? It may be that the puppy is being used as a scapegoat. Are you able to look after the puppy without the support of your h? Sometimes, depression can be so corrosive that it makes a relationship impossible, and it's really hard when you suffer too. You are not responsible for the feelings and behaviour of your husband. You are not his therapist or doctor. Are you able to draw up your boundaries of what you do and don't accept, leaving the dog out of the equasion?

Poor you and poor pup. If you can leave your husband, do. Are 'tatters' worth sacrificing the pup who means so much to you? I left my last partner in part due to their dislike of my dogs and their failure to understand their importance to me - I have never regretted it.

I respect the choice of people to stay and support people through devastating mental and emotional health issues. I also respect the choice of people to break away and make a happy life for themselves.

There is no shame or selfishness in striving for better for yourself. Stepping out of a nightmare is a wonderful thing. If you are currently feeling better, dont let him drag you back down. Don't be a prisoner to his problems and to be honest, quite often a change can help to break the patterns of destructive behaviour, not only for the victim of a partners depression but for the depressed party too.

Whatever you do decide, it is not fair for the pup to coexist with your husband.

Procrastina has it bang on. I also left a person once for many reasons but one being I saw him mistreat my dog (when he thought I wasn't looking, he grabbed her and pulled her roughly off the sofa). It was weird because his own dog had just died and he had been obsessed by this dog for years and treated it like a god. It wasn't even a very nice dog - whereas mine was a gentle, sweet-natured little sweetheart. I didn't care that he was maybe depressed and grieving - I saw him potentially hurt her and that was enough.

Several years later, Family Courts as part of a custody battle, ordered he was tested by a psychiatrist and sure enough he was found to be mentally ill (depression but also paranoid personality disorder). Leaving him was the best thing I ever did. Not to say everyone should leave mentally ill partners - but coldness to/mistreatment of a pet is probably a huge warning sign that shouldn't be ignored and if he won't accept he needs help, that is worrying.

I have a 16 week old pup at the moment and it is gruelling and hard (but much easier than it was a month ago!) I can't imagine looking after her if I resented her. It is hard to get your head round someone being the one to choose the dog then abandoning it like that. For me, living with a person like that, in the end my loyalty was to my beautiful dog. She just died a few months back aged 14. She gave me years and years of love and affection and sheer joy. And helped me through some depressing and difficult times. If I'd rehomed her, just because my ex didn't like her - I'd have lost out on so much.

What if you get rid of the puppy and then your husbands depression worsens anyway?

Then you have no puppy but you still have a depressed husband.

I'm in this exact position now. 😩I know this thread is ancient, but thought I'd still reply just on the off chance the op sees it. I'd luv to know what you did.👍🏻

laurabmummyof3 maybe start a new thread so people can advise on your situation?

We had a slightly similar problem. Dog was got as a family pet but with the intention hubby would care for him as a sort of therapy for his anxiety and depression. Puppy arrived and was seriously hard work. I ended up doing the bulk of it and hubby moaned a lot about puppy. He is bitey, he pees on the floor, he doesn't sleep, etc.. It didn't help that our DD was terrified of the puppy (he isn't scary he was a tiny ball of white fluff). I said they had to stick with it until puppy was 8 months old and started to be more "dog" than "puppy" and I took on all the hard bits. Puppy is now nearly 5 months old and DD is definitely coming round (he was sat on the sofa next to her this morning whilst I made breakfast with no problem). Hubby is still saying the dog is a nuisance but I can tell he is rather smitten at last. Puppy is no longer bitey and is now house trained and loves to take hubby for a walk and sleeps all night and is good fun for a wrestle or a cuddle. He can still be nuisance on occasion but I can't remember the last time hubby said "he has to go!" This morning hubby was wrangling him on the sofa and making growling noises!

Our marriage is also a little shaky and I did consider chucking out hubby (not just for the dog offences!) It did feel like the last straw. It seems it possibly wasn't. I'd tell your husband he has to give the dog time. 14 weeks was a tough time with our pup but they DO DO DO get easier. Remember the old baby mantra "this too shall pass".... well it applies to puppies too (although my dressing gown will never recover!)

I’d be tempted to suggest a month or so apart. Allows him to distill his feelings about family/dog and allows you chance to see how you feel.
For what it’s worth I would temporarily separate from my DH if he felt unable to cope with /engage with child or pet care.
Yes it’s “just a dog” but they require the same attention/commitment as a child and they sense a lack of affection or tension terribly.
I genuinely wish you all the best. You sound like such a caring and sensitive pet owner I hope you get to keep your dog one way or another...