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feeling desperate - separation anxiety on a deadline :s

15 replies

BoyMeetsWorld · 29/08/2014 16:24

please help with any advice at all you can, feeling completely desperate & not sure what else to do....

8 days ago we rehomed a boxer 10 month male from a boxer rescue. we've had 2 boxers before so are used to the breed, lost both to horrible sudden health issues & had all our hopes pinned on this little chap. we were totally honest with the rescue about the fact we work 3 days per week (work from home the rest). they assured us this dog was used to being left & well crate trained.

admittedly it could be the fact of being rehomed that has caused onset of the issue, but this pup certainly can't be left. not even for a minute. He shadows us all over the house. if left in a room alone he becomes very stressed and will try to escape. if a door is shut and he can't get out, he repeatedly throws himself against the door, scratches it, howls and barks. interestingly, he never ever barks except when alone. In a crate he is far far worse - completely frantic and the barking is constant with no let up.

Oddly, he does like the crate - has his meals in it and will happily trot in / lie down to sleep in it....so long as we are in the room too.

we took 10 days off to settle him in but have to go back to work Monday & I just can't see how we can cure him by then. we've spent the entire 10 days doing v slow build up conditioning....seconds out of the room, back in, tons of praise if He is calm, ignoring but not punishing if he barked / banged. The most we've been able to get to is 3 mins before all he'll breaks loose....and that's just going upstairs. Going out the door it's a matter of seconds. We've bought a thundershirt (doesn't seem to do anything), he gets left with a Kong, tried him both loose and in crate. He gets 3 walks per day - 2 short ones and a long one in the eve.

I don't know how the heck we can sort this.....even though I'm v willing to keep trying, the neighbours (we live in a semi) are highly likely to report us, and quite rightly so - his barking is loud and with no let up. I'm also obviously concerned about the level of stress he is experiencing. the most he needs to be left is 4 hours until the dog walker arrives to take him out for 3 hours. And that's only 3 times a week. but I currently can't see that ever happening.

another weird thing....when we get back, he's not over excited to see us, doesn't burst out of the crate or seem particularly distressed apart from some panting. Other than barking and trying to escape, he doesn't wee/poo, shake etc.

Any ideas at all? DH thinks we send him back to the rescue but that will mean giving up on dogs altogether as I'm not doing this again & our poor DCs have already lost 2 in a short space of time. We Love having a dog - our whole weekends are spent walking and my eldest son spends hours in the garden after school playing football with them so it would be a real shame.

please help if you can.

And really sorry for the terrible capitalisation / lack of all over this message, my phone and I are having a predictive text battle!

OP posts:
BoyMeetsWorld · 29/08/2014 16:31

should also say....we did originally tell the rescue we wanted a dog aged 4+ but this is a rescue that doesn't advertise it's dogs, rather hand picks & matches dog to home (you don't get a choice which dog they match to you). they were adamant this was the dog for us despite being only 10 months......& in every other way, especially with the kids, they were right - he's perfect Sad

OP posts:
elastamum · 29/08/2014 16:35

I don't know. Get another dog so he isn't alone? That's what we did (then we got given a 3rd..) but that's just mad Confused

BoyMeetsWorld · 29/08/2014 17:07

not sure another dog would help plus we can't afford another really.....if he's 'alone' but our 4 month old is still in the room in his playpen, he does exactly the same.....

OP posts:
monkeyfacegrace · 29/08/2014 17:11

Oh lordy, that's a tough one.

Can you afford doggy daycare for a while? Will just take the pressure off for a month or two?

BoyMeetsWorld · 29/08/2014 17:17

we would love doggy daycare - it would solve the issue. unfortunately there's only one in the area (we used to use her for our other dogs) and she's hiked her prices way beyond what we can afford - more than our childcare cost per hour!

OP posts:
BoyMeetsWorld · 29/08/2014 17:18

although actually I guess it wouldn't solve the issue....we still can't even pop food shopping or he flips. or do school runs. etc.....

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monkeyfacegrace · 29/08/2014 17:47

If you live in Gloucestershire I will help Grin

LEMmingaround · 29/08/2014 17:57

Would your dogwalker be able to help? Short term.

Maybe get a DAP diffuser that releases doggy pheremones. That may help with his anxiety. Worked for our rescue rottie who went crazy after the two week honeymoon period.

Don't make any fuss at all of dog when you come home. Even if he is quiet. As he will anticipate this. The same when you leave. No ritual just leave. No big deal.

What are you feeding him?

LEMmingaround · 29/08/2014 18:01

Oops when i say no big deal i mean thats the message to send dog. So you are going out. So what. Its not an event.

Ive just remembered our first dog was a problem when we left him. Our neighbour put a note through the door. We were leaving him in the living room kitchen area. But he couldnt get to the rest of the house so thought we were behind the door. Giving access to rest of house solved the problem over night

SpicyBear · 29/08/2014 18:40

Some dogs will do this when they move to a new home even if they don't have true SA. His behaviour sounds a lot like my staffie when we first adopted her and I would tend to think this is what it is given his past willingness to be left, if you are sure that is accurate. Did it come from a fosterer or a relinquishing owner? Unfortunately if the latter, I would not trust it for a second because people will often lie to get their dog into rescue.

The problem is, even if it is not "true SA", for want of a better term, it still needs to be handled as if it is because a) you can't be certain and b) it could turn into it. What you have started is great and I understand your upset that you don't have the time to work on it further.

I'm trying to remember how long it took us to get our staffie to the point she could be left for 3-4 hours and it must have been at least two months. I was wandering up and down the street every day with a neighbour's baby monitor working on it!

It's just an awful decision OP but I think in your shoes, I would be having a good chat with the rescue about whether he should be returned. Sometimes it is in the best interests of the dog and I would assume that as a young desirable breed, they have a good chance of finding him a suitable home quickly. If there is no way around it all I would be reluctant to go back to work and hope for the best as if he needs to go back it would be better to do it now than several months down the line when he has bonded and settled.

Have you called the rescue? The one that I volunteer for would be extremely understanding and if you started a dialogue about it at this stage.

BoyMeetsWorld · 29/08/2014 20:07

spicy bear Sad you're probably right. he's just such a lovely dog in every other way ...perfectly house trained, kind, gentle, the children can do anything with him....& still so young, if there's any way within the time we have available that we can get him to accept it Sad

He came from a formal rescue, but didn't go to a fosterer first so you're right he may have always been like this....I did wonder as the crate they sent him with was far too small, I wonder if he hadn't been in it since a younger pup.

if we could just stop the barking, we rrealky would like to give him a chance. But the barking may take the decision out of our hands.....if the neighbours complain I don't know what we can do as the walls aren't thick & the only room further away from them is the babies' box room

OP posts:
SpicyBear · 29/08/2014 21:05

I really really feel for you. It's a horrible situation. I don't know what you know about why he went to rescue but it's not unusual for people to hide or downplay problems.

The issue with stopping the barking is that it is only the symptom. Whether ongoing SA or SA due to moving home, it's a sign of distress/him trying to get you to come back. The only way to resolve it is for him to feel okay with being left by following through on the work you've done, building up the time. If he is suddenly left for a long period, he may stop barking when he realises it doesn't get him anywhere, but it wouldn't mean he is okay being left.

BoyMeetsWorld · 29/08/2014 21:19

I know. the trouble is, we have to go to work. we are happy to keep working on it for the long haul but if the neighbours complain about barking, we won't get the option Sad & will doing work to get him really comfortable / lots of short stretches be completely undone by the 3 days per week he does have to do 4 hrs alone.

the rescue said he was rehomed only due to his owner having major surgery. if we give him back due to this we know there is no way we'll get another one as they'll say we should have tried harder. not that I ever want another one again if this doesn't work....it's just too emotionally draining.

we've got one of those plug in diffusers, thundershirt, endless treats, the dog walker, a Kong & lots of toys. as a last resort will try a clix collar (vibration, not shocks or anything!) but only if coupled with lots more training.

but just feel so hopeless, like nothing we can do will work because we have to go out to work from Tuesday Sad.

OP posts:
SpicyBear · 29/08/2014 22:46

Oh god please please please do not put a bark collar on him. The vibration is aversive - it only works because it is unpleasant for the dog so they stay quiet to avoid it. It may make him stop barking but if you add the distress of being punished for barking to the distress of being left you are likely to make the SA much worse. Also it may not work as his need to bark may override the discomfort. Honestly I know you mean well but it would be cruel to put a bark collar on him so you can keep him.

Would the rescue really say that? If they know anything about SA they'd know you couldn't sort it while you are working.

Luxaroma · 29/08/2014 22:49

Have you tried some Rescue Remedy for calming nervousness?

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