memo to my dog

[thewizenedone]

Please note, on our daily walks in the fields the following:-

1. I am in charge, no really, when I call your name its because I want you to come to me- standing with the occasional nonchalant glance my way does not count as your undivided attention [hmmm]
2. Deer- I know you have never seen one before but the fact that it legged it indicates it really really did not want to make your acquaintance- chasing it proved one thing, it runs faster

1. Cow pats- these are not, and I cannot stress this enough, a food source- and the green/brown face after is not an attractive look

that is all

Dear Bastard Dog

You are a bastard.

That is all.

PS. if you must kip on our bed, can you at least warm my side?

Dear JRT if you keep humping your bed i will take it away and you can go back to sleeping on my bed on the floor

Dear Maxadoodle

I know collies like to heard but please stop herding the children in the house, the running round and round them is going to end in tears (they get dizzy you know)

I know labs like to eat but please stop eating all the food in the house, bin, worktop and no like others have said horse poo is not I repeat not food. On this note rabbit, fox, deer and my underwear are also not food, especially when you chew my dirty underwear to bits and leave it on the front door mat.

Please stop raiding the dirty washing finding it around the house is embarrassing when workmen or guest arrive.

I love you to bits, we all do and we will never treat you like your previous owner. So please stop thinking we are abandoning you when we leave the house (its nice you are so happy when we come back but your tail can inflict serious injuries), please stop thinking DD2 is going to hit you when she tries to get you to high five her (she is short you are not she is only raising her hand to your paw height and peeing on her feet will eventually upset her) and please stop thinking you are a lap dog (the blood supply to my legs is important to me)

Dear Megapoo

You are cute, but not everyone loves you. In fact some people think you're a smelly, bouncy dog and they want you to keep as far away from them as possible. I too find this hard to believe, but there you go.

You cannot catch torrential rain as it runs down the road and into the gutter. I know it looks like it's running away from you, but really it's not.

When I leave the house, your howling isn't going to make me come back. I'm never gone for more than 3 and a half hours. I love you, but I'm pretty sure that by now, the neighbour really doesn't.

Dogadog...you can move from my side and I won't disappear. But then, I do love you cuddling up to me, so on second thoughts....

To both dogs

There is no magic secret door in the bathroom. If you see me go in there, then I have to come out again by the same door. You do not need to come in with me every single bloody time.

Actually, while we are on the subject JRT, you do not have to comfort me while i go to the toilet, so please stop trying to get up on my lap - i have not had a poo alone for seven years FFS!!!!!

Dear Cavalier King Charles Spaniel 1

The cat doesn't like you, get the message and leave her alone. This is not a fight you can win, she is nails.

You will never catch a bird. They can fly, you cannot.

My antique table is not a peeing post and it will make me shout and swear if you pee up it, so just don't.

Cow pats are not food.

The lead is to keep you near me, it does not have to pulled taut at all times.

Please stop humping CKCS 2's face, she looks disturbed by you.

But I love you, you are the dog the term 'Himbo' was created for, beautiful, but endearingly dim.

Dear Cavalier King Charles Spaniel 2

Teach him not to do all the things listed above, you are perfect already

A squirrel will not come down the tree when you are standing at the bottom looking up , no matter how long you stand there !

Dear dog.

It's actually MY garden, not yours. And if I say birds are allowed in, then you don't need to guard against them. Ditto hedgehogs.

When another dog has a ball it is not polite to take it away from them and then run away. They won't like it, and the owner won't like it.

Cats do not WANT to make friends with you. give up

Carefully taking individual socks off the clothes horse then silently hiding them in your bed doesn't constitute being helpful around the house I'm afraid...

And you aren't a rabbit my love, so I am mildly perplexed about the burrow you appear to be constructing in the currently nice soft muddy garden.

Although I am fast thinking that your sole purpose in life is to perplex me [oh and puppy cuddles, that's your other purpose, I luuuurve them ]

[Pupster, please also see above for cat comments to others of your species and take heed, cats don't like playing with canines of any size really, they are miserable superior sods by nature I'm afraid but we humans quite like them so please don't totally freak out the 2 that have lived here for 8 years longer than you ]

and another thing - please stop pretending to do poos and just emptying your anal glands, its embarrasing because people think im not picking up after you and i get filthy looks

Dear Dog,
I appreciate your carrying my umbrella for me, I really do.
I just wish you'd give it back to me when it starts raining. Getting soaked while you carry it in your mouth is not exactly helpful.

Oh Westie, Westie, Westie. What have you gone and done now?

I've told you before that it's a dishwasher, not a dog feeding station. The bit that comes down is the door, not a dog access ramp. Come on, admit it, you knew that going further into the cave was not a good idea didn't you? Was getting stuck worth it for one lick of a plate that no longer had any cake on it? Don't answer that ...

Dear Daiz

You are never going to bring a plane down into our garden. Barking and chasing them is completely futile. They are in the sky. That is the right place.
However I will recommend you for a commendation to our local Close the Airport committee.

You do not have to bark and growl when DH and I hug. We are married. We are allowed.