Knowing when to let them go

[Quodlibet]

A sad thread, I apologise.

I've had the news today from my mum that our 14 yr old Border Collie (who was my dog as a teenager and until I left home in my 20s) has become incontinent. She's a wonderful, loyal, clever, funny dog, and very dear to all of us. (We also have a 14.5 yr old lurcher who has other old-age related problems but is still reasonably active)

She's had progressive arthritis for some time, which is now so advanced she can't manage more than a couple of hundred metres walking, even on the strong drugs. She's also got a severe heart murmur and is pretty much deaf. She's a very stoical dog; and although we know she must be in some pain, she still gets excited about playing with her toys (or herding the young children next door!) But being a Border Collie, sometimes we don't know if she's doing these things because she wants to or because she thinks it's her job to, if that makes sense. So it's really hard to know when the right time is to do what's best for her.

We've been preparing ourselves for having to make the hard decision to have her PTS at some point, and I think for my mum, the incontinence is that point.

I'm not going to be able to make it home to say goodbye, and have to steel myself that if the vet (tomorrow) says nothing can be done about the incontinence, then my parents will probably choose to put her out of her misery. Obviously my parents live with the dogs day-to-day so it has to be their decision ultimately about what state of decline they can cope with the dog suffering.

Can anyone say anything to make me feel better about this?!

Thanks for reading.

I am so sorry, and am sending you a virtual hug. This is a horrible and tough decision. The only thing I can think of that might help is this - you have loved this dog for so long, would you want her to suffer unnecessarily for a second longer than she needs to? Letting them go like this is hard for us, precisely because we love them so much, but it is the right thing to do for them - and that is the painful and difficult flipside of loving and being responsible for any animal. I'm 45, and still miss the dogs I grew up with - the love we feel for them never leaves us, but the happy memories can be a source of strength and joy. Much better that, than the awful feeling that you left it too late.

The other thing I'd add is that lots of dogs don't like going to the vets. If that's the case for yours, ask the vet if they will come to the house - most vets are very understanding in these circumstances, and it's nice to think that last encounter will be in a peaceful environment at home.

You can only do your best and, when the time comes, carry out that one, last and most heartbreaking act of humanity.

I know only too painfully the struggle to come to terms with that. Perhaps the best comfort I can offer you is to say that when the wounds are less raw for you, deep down you will know that as much as it hurts, just "knowing" when the right time is and having the courage and humanity to accept that makes you far, far from the dreadful person you might see yourself as at the moment.

That big decision and grieving our dogs are the prices we have to pay for being loved by them. A huge price but so is what we gain.

Go gentle on yourself,, thinking of you and yours and that little Border girl tonight.

Val x

Hi there. This is really a difficult time for you and your parents but I can tell by reading your posting that you are a really caring family who have done the best for your dog.

I completely understand what you mean by your Border Collie doing her 'thing' with the children next door as they are 'hard wired' to do this and will happily continue to do so until their legs give up despite aches and pains.

Dogs don't generally like 'messing' so the incontinence will probably be causing her some distress and can lead to secondary problems such as scalding of the skin.

The other point to highlight is there is only so much you can do with drugs for incontinence without interfering with the medication for heart and arthritis.

It's a terrible thing to go through, but I am sure the vet will be able to give your parents much more information tomorrow to help them to make an informed decision.