Long lost family

[Crappysex]

Anyone watching? I love this programme but wonder what happens when the cameras stop rolling

I love this programme too.

I haven't watched yet, but my DH was adopted and he calls the show dangerous.

Such a sad one this week ... the Irish couple not getting their boy back!

I'm in tears 😥

Always so emotional. Awful that the couple didn't get their baby back all those years ago, having done what the agency told them to.

I agree with him, @Mychitchatdays. It might go well, but if it goes wrong it can do so much damage. I remember seeing a man on a show about adoption say that he'd never been bothered about being adopted - he'd had a very happy life, but when he was in his 50s and his adoptive parents had died, he thought he'd look for his birth mum. He'd had this story in his head that she was very young - a schoolgirl - and couldn't care for him. The reality was so different. His mum had five children and he was the middle child - aged about 5ish. She had him adopted. It turned out he wasn't any trouble or anything like that, but she struggled to cope and chose him. She then went on to have two or three more children and kept all of them. It destroyed him.

That's got to be vanishingly rare

It contributed to me choosing to be childless . When we discovered we couldn't have children obviously we discussed adoption. I don't think I'm selfless enough to raise a child for it to then go off and want to find it's 'real' parents. I think people who adopt are amazing, but this show helped me realise that I'm too selfish to be able to cope with (rightly or wrongly) my child going off and building a relationship with other parents.

I think the programme portrays a very narrow view of the family reunions. It won't all be hugs and happy endings. I do remember reading an article many years ago about a mother and adopted son who were reunited in one of the earlier series, and the relationship broke down because she acted like a mother as though he was her son (of course) whereas for him he had a mother elsewhere who had raised him, and it didn't work. Very sad. I do like to watch the programme though, the family stories are interesting and of a different time usually.

Two interesting stories tonight.

I noticed when Lorraine, the sister of Michael, was going to meet him, Nicky Campbell said ‘with the doctor’s permission’. Did any of you catch what that was referring to please? I seemed to miss it.

The sister had recently had heart surgery

I think it's wrong, adoptions all those years ago was far different to today.
For a start the bm was told that their details would never be given to the child.
I can't go through explaining it all again as I'm still struggling myself. Sometimes no amount of Nicky Campbell or lovely Davina can prepare you for the truth. I'd even say any counsellors they used too.

I'm sure there are some searches they don't end up showing as they don't work out

@BigSandyBalls2015 thanks

There was one story in the first or second series that didn’t turn out well. It was a daughter looking for her dad. She seemed quite calm and understanding throughout, but when they met it was clear she held a lot of bitterness and resentment. She made her feelings clear to him. It was made worse that he came across all smiles and laisseze faire. Very uncomfortable viewing.

Remember the one a few series ago, they said the son had been found a while back but it was too sensitive a story to show at the time so it was only shown year or so later. It started with the usual mother looking for son, then they found him and he was a homeless man with mental health issues. Ended up meeting up and as they got to know each other mum suspected he was actually autistic, he ended up getting autism diagnosis and coming off whatever drugs he’d been out on for the incorrect mental health condition. He ended up living with the mum and sister and it basically saved his wife. I really hope it continued to work out ok, this it was the most moving episode I ever saw

Saved his life not his wife

@ineedaholidaynow

I'm sure there are some searches they don't end up showing as they don't work out

I think this is the problem, People's lives aren't entertainment. I know they put themselves there of their own free will, but people could be hurt, cameras or no cameras. I found the worst thing ever, and was so desperate to know, and considered the programme myself. I'm glad my news came with my loving family, I couldn't have coped before. I had a thread on here, it's a sickening story.

I’m adopted. I have never traced my birth family, but if I did I couldn’t do it in front of cameras.

A friend of mine, also adopted, traced her birth family and found a sibling who hadn’t been told about my friend. The mum had kept this sibling. It opened up a can of worms with their relationship with the mother.

The bad stories aren’t aired though and the also haves psychological assessments being airing as that was given as reason why the story about the homes less man wasn’t aired until years later. I guess them not being aired is partly due to privacy of individual and partly to do with how they want the show to look but it does then perhaps give a false impression that all cases work out as that’s all they show

Before airing should say, should check my posts before posting

The sister of Michael, did they miss a chunk of info when they said she had been ill? I didn’t hear it.

I suppose no one ever knows the truth of these stories as they are secrets people take to the grave.

The Irish couple were so lovely. I hope that relationship continues. But I felt for them thinking they’d find an Irish man and found a Spanish man. But he seemed so pleased to have been found. They looked like they were all meant to be together.

It did say at the start that 4,000 people had approached the programme makers in the last year and they will obviously only show those with a positive outcome. I'm adopted and found family members using an intermediary service which took the wellbeing of everyone involved into consideration. Long lost family must do similar off screen.

It's never as easy as it looks. And shows like this shouldn't be shown as entertainment they're real people's lives not fairytales. There's so many conflicting emotions involved.

I remember the old days of "Surprise Surprise" with cilla black as a kid and thinking how nice it looked everyone meeting up and hugging and then as an adult with an adopted dh realising that it doesnt always end up happy even after the initial pleased emotions. It's a massive thing for both sides of the adopted baby.

My dh found his birth mother eventually they met, she was from another country too but luckily spoke fluent English, they me it was lovely then they drifted for a bit, because it was all too much she hadnt told anyone about him including her dh and dc so a massive grenade was thrown into their lives. She later admitted she was overwhelmed and struggling. Unfortunately she died so we dont know how it would have been long term but I think they were both sensible enough to handle it. He didn't expect anything from her, she didnt try and "mother" him. I'd like to think she would have been a good, big part of our dc lives.

His now divorced adopted parents had different views. His dad not bothered at all, his mum making the right noises but obviously heartbroken and so jealous she couldn't even bring herself to mention her when she died. In fact I got the distinct imression she was relieved but I may be doing her a disservice. But she said to me once when alone how "She'd hate her if she upset her ds" there was such venom in her voice but I guess she was being protective.

I do also think it made her much closer to her adopted daughter and favour her as she hasn't "betrayed her adopted parents" for want of a better phrase. Sil vocally said she would never trace her birth family.

With adopters in those days there were often fertility issues as with mil. Nearly 20 miscarriages she had, that must take its toll on someone and affect their mental health which then means her emotions are tied up with the adoption and their feelings on the "birth family" and the impact on the childrens' lives.

Throw in prejudices from religion, society, social class, lack of access to contraception and abortion, abuse and many more factors and it's an absolute cocktail of emotions, not an hojrs cosy viewing for unaffected people on a Sunday's night...

I agree that it's nowhere near as simple as LLF makes out.

I traced my bio parents when I was in my mid twenties and it was an unmitigated disaster. It was possibly different in my case as I was removed at birth so my adoption was not a choice made by them.

I've been in support groups over the years for adoptees and unfortunately in the majority of cases of people tracing bio parents it's not ended happily ever after. Sometimes it does end well and that's wonderful for all involved but I think programmes like LLF give a very rose tinted view.