I’ve just watched this & agree it’s a powerful documentary. As somebody who was in an abusive relationship almost 10 years ago, it’s certainly brought a lot of memories back.
My ex partner was more emotionally and mentally abusive although towards the latter he strangled me because I wanted to go home.. I was cooking and he was smashing upstairs up. I was 18. He came charging towards me and strangled me against the wall, I’ll never forgot those evil, angry eyes piercing mine. I remember another occasion he was playing on the Xbox and lost on his game so he threw the controller which bounced off the floor and smashed the TV, I was reading next to him and flinched. He started kicking off shouting asking me “what the fuck I’m flinching for” “it wasn’t fucking near you” and my flinching reaction pissed him off more than the TV. I was terrified. He smashed the entire living room up & the neighbours called the police. I’ll always remember how good the police were, they were trying to get me to understand this wasn’t normal and repeatedly asked if he’d hurt me. I was in too deep. He’d already broken me down. He also smashed my phone up on another occasion and I was on his back trying to get an insulin pen out of his hand (he had diabetes) as he was going to inject himself, he flung me off and came right in my face and stabbed it in his own leg and told me I’d made him do it. I had to run out and wake my neighbours up to call an ambulance. There’s a lot more occasions and that doesn’t include the name calling, cheating on me, isolating from my friends and family, changing my appearance & everything else in between.
It’s a truley sad but real fact that DV cases are so much higher than we think but it’s never reported. It’s a taboo subject which really shouldn’t be.
I think the key things to look out for in an abusive relationship in your nearest & dearest (purely only going from my experience) are:
- Do you hear much from them anymore texts, catch ups, phone calls? Have their patterns changed I.e meeting up is often cancelled and they no longer socialise or if they do their partner is there all the time. It’s never 1 on 1. Do they not get in touch as much? (This could very well be that they are happy but it’s something to consider if you pick up on the feeling something isn’t right)
- Has their appearance changed? I.e did they wear make up everyday whereas now they don’t bother. Their dress sense changed since meeting their partner are they wearing bagging clothes etc?
- How do they behave when you do meet up with them and their partner is there? Are they reserved? On edge? Overly comforting to their partner/reassuring? Withdrawn?
- How does their partner behave around your friend? Is there anything at all ‘off’ or something doesn’t sit right. Have they got annoyed about something and then realised you were there? And then tried to hide it because there real self just appeared quickly and realised where they were.
Then there’s the marks or bruises to look out for although this isn’t as easy to notice as clothes etc can easily hide these. Although this didn’t happen to me, abusers do kick and punch in places that wouldn’t necessarily be visable.
Lastly, if your friend does confind in you - listen. Don’t jump on them and insist they leave them right now and march them to the Police Station (this is a very natural reaction but remember that person is scared) if you immediately start calling their partner names or making plans and they go back to the abuser (which unfortunately is very likely). They will not tell you anything more because they don’t want you to worry or dislike their partner, they maybe embarrassed. This is dangerous as the abuser has even more control, I fell victim to this & it made me feel more alone. It’s the hardest thing in the world to do, as I say I’ve been on the receiving end and watched this happen to my mum years later but you need to listen, be there & encourage them to build themselves back up and then to get help. At the very least they still have somebody to talk to without the judgement. It’s a different situation if they want to report it etc but just be cautious if they end up going back to them.
There really needs to be tougher prison sentences on this, particularly in the cases of these two very brave ladies in this documentary. I too, never knew much about Clare’s Law (I’m not sure it was around in 2009 though?) but it certainly needs to be talked about now. I agree leaflets, posters everywhere.