Dp and I finished watching 13 Reasons Why last night after starting it last week.
I thought of myself as a strong person and have watched every episode and without breaking down (shed the odd tear), but last episode I just broke down.
I actually felt quite embarrassed as I've never really cried before about hard hitting tv but i felt it cut through me like a knife.
I got up this morning to go to shops and just thinking back to the episode nearly set me off again.
It was like reliving my life. I'm a 31 year old woman and haven't had these thoughts for over 10 years (it all happened when I was 16/17. )
Poor dp didn't know what to say and just held me tightly while tears and snot ran off onto him.
I have told him once in the past what happened to me (breifly without any details). But he doesn't know just how alike the program it was.
I'm not upset for me, I'm upset at all the people I've let down for not reporting it because I was just seen as a young slut and was being spoken about behind my back by the rest of the school whilst all the football and rugby players were respected for being 'stallions' of some sort.
I lost friends (the ones I told) as they didn't believe me.
I only got the courage to tell my parents over a year after it happened.
They were shocked but very supportive and I was glad to have got it off my chest.
My boyfriend at the time (who I ended up marrying and then divorcing for being an abusive arshole) didn't want to hear a word about it and gave no support and went on with daily life.
I ended up so depressed and lonely.
I thought so many times about doing what Hannah did but I never had the strength to go through with it (glad I didn't now).
I watched last night and almost felt angry at myself for not going through with it.
That if I can feel such pain now around 15 years later that maybe I should have.
after telling my parents they made me go to the doctors.
Before then I hadn't even considered the potential problems it may cause me.
They spoke to me as if I was wasting their time for coming in so long after it happened.
They offered no screening and no support and sent me on my way.
I've since suffered with my mental health a lot and never once been able to confide in a professional because that example put me off.
I felt for years like it was my fault.
The positive I took from Hannah's sorry and Jessica's is that it really wasn't my fault.
And maybe I was crying too because of the relief and recognition of that.
I want all the disbelievers of me to watch the program and remember back to what I told them so that they realise what an awful thing it was.
I want the people who did it to me to watch to so they know it was rape and assault. And not me asking for it!