Everybody in the village or street will work in that village or street. Nobody will have a job more than 100 yards away from their house.
All family rows will be conducted either on the main street or in the local pub. No rows are to be conducted within the privacy of your own home.
Every, and I mean every, wedding will be a monumental fuck-up of epic proportions. An ex-boyfriend/girlfriend will try to sabotage it or it will turn out the groom is already married. No wedding is to go off without a hitch.
If wedding somehow goes ahead the reception must be held in the local pub. That goes for the stag and hen nights too in which there can be no more than 5 people on said stag/hen, all of whom must be characters from the show.
Everybody will have their breakfast, lunch and dinner in the local restaurant, café or pub. Under no circumstances shall someone prepare a meal at home.
When a major character leaves they shall never ever return even for major events such as weddings, funerals or Christmas. If a major character does somehow return they must never do what a normal person would do, like maybe let their relatives know and shit - they should always just turn up at the doorstep as a huge surprise, preferably with a suitably menacing greeting; "'Allo, Princess!".
The village or main street must be destroyed at least once a decade by a catastrophe such as train or plane crash, fire or explosion, or a combination of such events. Such catastrophe should also kill several low profile characters. This disaster must always occur on Christmas or New Year's Day.
Half the village or street shall be landlord/landlady of the local pub at some point.
Every new good looking woman that arrives in the village/street has to serve an apprenticeship of at least 6 months as the new barmaid in the local pub. This rule is non-negotiable.
All barmaids should be blonde and look as if the hair has just been dyed with domestos bleach
Every Christmas Day or New Year's Night, someone must be murdered by the local psychopath who everyone thinks is a great guy.
Every couple of years a character must be framed for a murder he/she didn't commit. This will lead to a short period of incarceration before the real culprit is revealed and the innocent party is released, apparently with no hard feelings.
The local pub shall have a football team comprised of the regular punters, but the league they play in shall apparently only ever consist of 2 matches before the storyline fizzles out.
No one should show the slightest hint of interest in club football yet the entire cast should gather in the pub to watch one England match when a world cup comes around.
The ugliest guy in the village/street will go out with the hottest woman, who falls for his warm heartedness and chirpy personality.
Someone's older sister will in fact turn out to be their mother.
Siblings should not even remotely resemble each other, with a few rare exceptions (the Mitchell brothers).
A child character aged approximately 12 or 13 shall disappear for 2 months during the summer visiting relatives or attending summer camp. When they come back they will have somehow aged 6 years and bear no resemblance to the child that left. Puberty in soapland lasts 2 months.
Everyone will have everyone else's phone number. It doesn't matter if they've only been in town for three weeks and they haven't made a single friend yet, or even if they are an arsehole that no one likes. Their phone number will be stored in every other character's phone and they, in turn, will have every other character in theirs.
Gail Platt's latest boyfriend is never to be trusted.
Bar staff may drink on the job, and give out free drinks/bar customers as much as they like.
Barred customers may return to the pub the next night.
Every person will become an alcoholic for a day whenever something bad happens to them.
This lapse into alcoholism involves a 2 week drinking binge which will lead to liver failure.
This liver failure will require a transplant, whereby the recipient will find a donor (invariably a close relative), have the procedure and be back up on their feet in the space of about a fortnight.
Recovering alcoholics can only ever drink fresh orange juice.
In the evening, children are enveloped in a safety bubble. This means that there is no need for anyone to have a babysitter. No harm will come to the child whatsoever so soapland parents are free to spend every non-waking or working moment in the pub.
There is, of course, an exception to this rule. Sometimes a babysitter is required. It is on these occasions that the child will become ill or get injured in some horrific way.
Despite being packed to the rafters almost every night, the pub is always a financial basket-case.
No one must work more than they are in the pub, if they spend 5 minutes at work they must then get a phonecall or a message passed to them that an emergency has happened and they have to leave work.
No one shall ever go to a large supermarket for their large food shop, instead groceries will be bought from a local shop run by one of the main characters which looks like it stocks about nine items and probably charges about £1:50 for a tin of beans.
No one breaks wind, swears or takes drugs*
- Unless its handled in a sensitive cool way and their 'addiction' is usually cured within two episodes.
Any new or visiting relatives who are raging alcoholics or wife beaters should, where possible, be Scottish or Irish.
When new characters turn up, everyone introduces themselves and become instant friends.
Under no circumstances will a male character ever order a drink by name – “the usual” or “a pint” will suffice.
If a character leaves friends and families will not under any circumstances give them a lift. Everyone must leave in a black cab
No two people in a village, past or present, may share a common surname.
Under no circumstances will change be given when making a purchase from the local bar or corner shop.
Every secret conversation will always be overheard.
Every time a contentious comment is passed, a moron, (I.e. Sharon) will walk through the door and ask about what was just said.
Make up/clothing reflects mood, in order to cover up bad acting.
Examples: when Lauren (Eastenders) was an alcoholic, it was always joggies and no make up. When she's sober, jeans and loads of make up.
Also, Ian Beale’s mental breakdown was depicted solely by him growing a beard and wearing a hat.
Girls’/young ladies’ earrings must be of the hooped style and the must be large enough in circumference for a dolphin to jump through.
No-one in 'Saff Landan' is allowed to own their own washing machine.
The locals should never finish a drink in a pub. They should go in, buy a drink, take a sip, then leave it and fuck off.
The local postman should just arse around the village all day and do everything BUT deliver the fucking letters.
All houses must be badly decorated.
All tenants of all houses are interchangeable at a moment’s notice. Every person in the street must spend at least a night staying at everyone else in the street's house.
If you are at a loose end, you must move in with Dot Cotton.
Previous familial relationships with someone are not taken into consideration if you want to shack up with them. Rather than a family tree, this will create a confusing family hedge that people in rural Louisiana would be ashamed of.
Every street/ village will have its token ethnic character.
EVERY car crash scene must end with a mobile phone ringing out.
....dum, dum, dum, dum-dumma-dum......