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John O'Farrell presents Backlash: Paranoid Parents, to be shown on BBC Two on Saturday, 3 December, 2005, at 1840 GMT

31 replies

fimac1 · 02/12/2005 16:07

Who will be watching:

The problem with paranoid parents

A modern child's life is filled with unnecessary monitoring and mollycoddling from over-protective parents, says writer John O'Farrell, who sets out his opinion in the BBC Two series Backlash.

Do parents try too hard?

The physics of parenthood have exploded.

Once the kids were satellites orbiting around the parents; now the centre of the universe is the child.

Mothers feel guilty leaving their children to watch television on their own, so sit down and watch Pingu beside them, wasting valuable time that could be far better spent sitting in the kitchen smoking and doing Su Doku puzzles.

Parents volunteer to go in and read in the classroom, when all they really want to do is spy on the teachers and be with their precious ones during school hours as well.

When I was a child my parents did not surrender their dignity by wallowing around in ball pits.

They went to the pub and left me and my brother on our own fighting in the car.

Sitting in that pub car park taught me important lessons. I learnt what happens when you release the hand-brake on a hill. But of course I also used that time to read. I can still quote the AA Members handbook from 1968.

Lost confidence

Just as you see toddlers being restrained by those ludicrous safety reins, modern parents are wearing invisible reins that hold them back from doing what ought to come naturally.

I am in favour of children being bored

John O'Farrell
Manuals are consulted, diet fads are imposed, each scare story in the tabloids has parents changing the regime under which their kids are being brought up.

Parents have lost the confidence to trust themselves or others. Fear has become the dominant emotion - both the fear of something happening and fear of nothing happening to them; the terror that their children might be ordinary.

And so every second of the modern child's life is time-tabled and monitored.

Children are strapped into the back of 4x4s and whisked from this tutor to that, and if there are a few minutes of mucking about in the park, the play is under the constant supervision of the Meercat Mums.

So children are never bored, they never learn how to fill their own time, they never discover things for themselves.

I am in favour of children being bored. In fact I think we need a Boredom Tsar (I suggest my old geography teacher).

Learning responsibility

And although the children are in no danger of falling from the climbing frame (because both parents are underneath with their arms outstretched waiting to catch them) we have no idea what damage is being done inside.

Let children take risks, says O'Farrell
Children are being denied the chance to learn initiative and independence; they are not learning to take responsibility for their own actions.

In 30 years' time the prime minister will be saying: "Mum, can you do this for me?"

We should force ourselves to set our children free. They should walk to school on their own, go to the park with their mates and kick a ball about and climb trees that do not have rubber matting underneath.

The trouble is, we have made children so paranoid that if anyone suggested this to them, the kids would run a mile.

Or rather their parents would drive them.

John O'Farrell presents Backlash: Paranoid Parents, to be shown on BBC Two on Saturday, 3 December, 2005, at 1840 GMT.

OP posts:
Blandmum · 02/12/2005 16:11

Spot on!

followthestarlover · 02/12/2005 16:14

couldn't agree more! People I know at our bumps and babes group etc think I am crazy because I "let" ds fall over instead of hovering behind him all the time to catch him
Because I let him try and climb up things and under things. And because I don't stop him playing with non-toy toys!
Oh, and strangely because I don't care if he is happy munching on a bit of paper! lol

fimac1 · 02/12/2005 16:15

Glad I'm not the only one agreeing with him!

Will make for entertaining viewing....

OP posts:
Tommy · 02/12/2005 16:16

sounds good but will be putting DSs to bed at that time of course so won't be watching it.....

Tortington · 02/12/2005 16:17

bravo!

Tommy · 02/12/2005 16:17

but agree with him! I used to walk home from school on my own at 6 - didn't really do me any harm except the time that I decided to skip home (with akipping rope) and I tripped over and cut my lip open.... a learning experience - I never did it again!

DinosaurInAManger · 02/12/2005 16:18

I do think all this is greatly exaggerated. I don't know anyone who is this over-protective of their children. When I go to collect the DSs from other kids' parties, invariably the mums end up getting sozzled in the kitchen while the kids are throwing themselves off the bunk beds upstairs, completely unsupervised.

northender · 03/12/2005 20:01

Did anyone see this? I saw part of it and then listened to the later part while in the bath so didn't see the mange tout vegetable club(!!) sounded bizarre and completely unnecessary to me. Found myself agreeing with just about everything he said!

motherinfurrierfestivehat · 03/12/2005 20:04

Dino, I agree; I bet he was plugging his new book. Which I like, actually, as I do his other novels, but is v much set in that over-protective (mad) posh South West London world of hothousing and never letting your children go on public transport.

MerryMegandSnowySoph · 03/12/2005 20:15

I feel so much better now.

I'm constantly feeling guilty about... well just about everything to do with being a parent.

even dd3 walking up the stairs on her own as i imagine "omg she could of fallen" even though deep down I know she is perfectly capable.

It's society IMO being petrified that if your child does have a bump or graze that some nosey twat will report it... thats why I let exp take them to the park and I don't go as I only ruin it by "hovering" behind them.

Well now I think I will have to relax more lol

Nightynight · 03/12/2005 20:29

this piece REALLY pissed me off actually!
He is describing the life of well off middle class journalists, one suspects, with one SAHP.

Most of us are too busy working to pay huge mortgages to run round after our children like that. My children are completely neglected and have ample opportunity to amuse themselves and develop their own initiatives. I have never had time to sit watching Pingu with them, or go on any visits to the school. Ive never even been to a parents evening.

"physics of parenthood" what does he know about physics? pretentious tw@!

thecattleareALOHing · 03/12/2005 20:32

I agree with Dino. All the mums I know only investigate their kids when they are either horribly silent for long periods, or screaming like banshees.

motherinfurrierfestivehat · 03/12/2005 20:34

And then look around in nonchalent manner waiting to see who'll give in first and leave the happy security of the alcohol zone to investigate.

frogs · 03/12/2005 20:35

Ah yes, MI, those SW London parents...

Went to a fab drinks party in Wandsworth once actually now I come to think of it, it was a third birthday party! where all the parents were comparing notes on the merits of various toddler French classes. Having had a glass of wine too many, I commented that my 3yo had spent a fortnight with some French-speaking cousins, and the only words she'd learnt were 'pipi' and 'caca'. A nasty silence ensued...

PantomimEDAMe · 03/12/2005 20:37

Can I just crawl a bit and say I really like your Christmas names, MI and Aloha?

motherinfurrierfestivehat · 03/12/2005 20:38

SouthEast London is obviously very different.

Tommy · 03/12/2005 20:41

Most of my friends are laid back with their children (like me) but it's when you meet one that isn't that it shocks you and becomes a object of ridicule or something (didn't see the programme unfortunately). I was at a party in the summer in someone's garden and there was a Mum who said to her DH "Don't let (DD) go on that trampoline will you? Or the slide" Her DD is the same age as my DS2 who had spent most of the summer in that garden - she is very paranoid and doesn't even live in SW London

PantomimEDAMe · 03/12/2005 20:44

Now I've crawled, must add: 'Oi, stop dissing SW London sunshine, I'll have you know So Solid Crew were my neighbours.' Although have to admit the other end of Battersea was full of 4x4s taking children from pre-school French classes to ballet and back again to infant violin or whatever else is currently fashionable...

thecattleareALOHing · 03/12/2005 20:55

You know Edam, I was thinking just the same about yours the other night! Seriously!
Mind you they are all far too long to type out in posts aren't they?
My ds goes to Saturday morning French class. He likes it.

Blandmum · 03/12/2005 20:58

tbh, I don't think that o'Farrel is agains organised activities per se, just the over use of them. So that some kids have a time table for each day and evening and have no time to be just bored kids.

While I agree that most paresnt are not like this I have met one or two who are. Thei poor bloody kids have a busier time than I do!

CaRowlers · 03/12/2005 21:21

Didn't see it and don't have much of a view on the "issue" but I like John O'Farrell. Just finished "This is your life" and enjoyed it lots.

Nightynight · 03/12/2005 21:32

If he said "a small group of posh well to do parents are behaving like this, and I think its wrong" then Id agree with him. Its just the assumtion that everyone lives this privileged life that riles me!

NorwegianFir2 · 03/12/2005 21:41

SW London parents? You'd better not be including me and my gang in your gross generalisations. Also, having stepped foot in Hampstead recently, I'd say the crown goes to our North London neighbours...

saadia · 03/12/2005 21:52

I think he's very funny and right. Nowadays, for a lot of people, having a child is a choice and they make that decision so thus feel that everything about and for that child has to be perfect.

I know a couple whose daily routine totally revolves around their kids. They both work so I can understand that they need to keep order but they actually told us (hinted very strongly) when we went to their's for dinner, that we should leave before the kidss' bathtime.

And I myself, although I try to be laid-back, do stress about things for the dss that I'm sure my mum never worried about.

slug · 04/12/2005 10:52

A friend of mine had a 16 year old son who was seriously into skateboarding (he's 21 now). Every other week or so he would come home on a Saturday bleeding from some wound. Friend would have to drop what she was doing, take him to A&E, sit with him for hours (soothing his brow) until he was stiched up. After a few months she got pi**ed off with losing her weekends to the local emergency room. So when he came home again with blood pouring out of his latest wound she bundled him up, drove him to A&E, handed him 20p and said "Call me when you're done".

Her workmates were horrified when she related this latest bit of parenting wisdom, but as she pointed out, he still skateboards, but he has NEVER ended up in A&E since.

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