Unsociable DD

[diseyw]

Have had another argument today with DD over her lack of sociability again, she's 15 next week, absolutely stunning looking, very mature and is part of a group of 5 girls who go out at the weekends occasionally but in the last couple of months has become more and more unsociable.
She goes to an all girls school, had a steady boyfriend for a couple of months back in the winter but since breaking up with him would prefer to come home from school, watch tv and look at everyone elses profiles on facebook but not update hers or talk to any 'facebook friends' as "cant be bothered". This happens daily and although she goes to guides once a week apart from that she is at home every evening. The latest thing is her birthday next week which she has just arranged after much discussion to go out for a meal with her group of friends but does not want anyone to come back for a sleepover as "that's hassle".
She has been friends with a boy a year older than her for a while and would occasionally go out with him at weekends but this has also now stopped, even ignoring his texts as he made the wrong move in asking her out which totally freaked her so her response is to blank him completely!
I've recently even had to persuade her to go to her best friends house when she was asked the other weekend for a couple of hours as she says they never know what to do and get bored. She says she's not interested in joining any other clubs or doing any other activities and cant understand why any teenagers would want to hang around parks and street corners in the evenings as that's so boring! Of course I don't want her to be hanging round street corners but I do want her to have a social life as the school summer holidays will start very soon and cant bear the thought of her hanging round at home all day every day just watching the telly!
Am I being too picky or should I be counting myself lucky that she is not out causing or getting in to trouble? Has anyone else got a teenager like her or any advice?

Is it possible that she is a little depressed rather then unsociable? Mood swings? No interest in life? Tearful?

Sounds like a broken heart a little sympathy maybe ?

Sorry didn't mean to sound harsh there. Maybe something happened that you don't know about yet.

I went through the same thing with my dd (14), shes quite sociable but every summer hols she doesnt meet up with any of her friends even though they ask her to, she just cuts them out until she returns back to school. Its hard seeing them miserable but you cant force them to go out, i even made things really boring at home to try and get her to contact friends but never worked. Its coming up to the hols again and even though shes been really sociable all year i dont know if shes going to shut herself away again over the hols. Sorry if i havent got any real advice but i do know what its like.

She has mood swings but dont most teenagers? Not tearful or doesn't appear to have no interest in life as she takes an active part in school life and looks forward to leaving school and becoming a Teacher!
Dont think its a broken heart either as she was the one that finished with the boyfriend and seemed quite relieved when she did.
Maybe something has happened that she hasn't told me about but am just scared that she will end up without friends or them going out without her if she wont join in.

I tihnk you are trying to control her too much, mabe she just isn't that sociable and prefers her own company?

I know it might be hard to understand if you yourself are a 'people person', but if she isn't depressed, just prefers to be a loner, then you should respect that in her.

I was like her at 15. I prefered my own company to the hassle of socialising. I kept myself busy and wasn't bored, but liked being at home and liked being on my own.

You shouldn't have a go at her about it.

maybe she doesn't feel good about herself and her confidence is low - could you suggest soem swimming time or sports activity to get her working out as this gets all the right hormones going and may help her feel better about life?

I think overmydeadbody has a point. Ending up with no friends when you are 15 doesn't have to be something to be scared of- it depends on the individual.

Some people are not very sociable at this age, some people find out at this age that they are simply not very sociable people, and some find they simply haven't got anything in common with their friends any more.

I did not have any friends to go out with at 15. I had a whale of a time at university, and have never struggled socially as an adult.

diseyw. I had to blink at your post and wondered if it was one I had written about my DD a year ago. Apart from the all girls school.

My DD never went out much, hated sleepovers, she loves her sleep and still does and not alot of it goes on at them, never hung around the park etc. Preferred my company and that of her family to friends for a good couple of years. Not all teens act like typical teens and I honestly don't think there is anything wrong with it.

With DD I used to worry it was feeling she didn't fit in and in some ways she didn't. She likes reading and is quite bright.

Now she is 16, she is coming out of her shell a little. Had a raucous party for her birthday, is currently sat with a new male friend, watching telly, (so not a lot has changed) and is socialising a little more. But tbh I've stopped worrying and happy to just let her be.

I would look for signs that she is OK in herself and taking an interest in things she likes to do before worrying.

Diseyw, are you a person that always likes to be around others and do you go out a lot yourself?

Thanks for everyone's comments. LadyLapsang, I do go out much more now the children are both older, have recently joined a gym, am always busy and like to socialise with friends so feel guilty that for example am going out on Saturday night with DH and friends and leaving DD at home; feel like it should be her going out and us staying at home!
When I was her age, I did not have many friends, was very overweight, unconfident and unpopoular and was totally miserable. This did not change until I turned 19 and lost lots of weight and "re-invented" myself. My DD knows a little bit of my history but not all so I think this is a major reason for me worrying about her feeling like I did when I was a teenager which I obviously dont want for her.
Thanks abouteve and toffeecupcake for your comments as now know I'm not alone in this one.

diseyw, I was totally the opposite of my DD when I was her age. Very confident, always in on the action so it was a shock to have a DD, my only, single mum situ, who didn't give a shit worry about what others were doing and was happy to be herself. I actually admire my DD and cannot believe we are of the same genes, sometimes.

Glad I could be of some help and your comments about your DD being stunning [jealous] lucky girl

Will admit I was a bit worried about how DD fitted in on the phwaoor factor, very pretty little girl, then the awkard stage where she was more rounded than her skinny mates, they were getting the boyfriends, now she is fighting them off of course a pretty face stands the test of hormones. lol.

The other plus point is the maturity and just being nice girls. x

I empathise with you completely-my dd is 13,very bright but not bothered about making an effort to meet up with friends etc.I worry about her-but realise it's really more about me and remembering how unhappy I was as a teenager and how I couldn't talk to my mum.
It's hard to separate her "stuff" from my "stuff" and giving her space to fight her own battles.Remembering she's not me...Really hard.

Sorry, this has touched a nerve for me.
Both my parents were very extroverted; I spent the whole of my childhood being told I was "antisocial" because I wasn't like them.

It dented my self-esteem badly.

Flash forward to adulthood, one day my dad proclaimed, having taken some personality test and said (with glee even) "I understand you now! You're an introvert!"

It still pisses me off that my parents couldn't just accept me the way I was all along.

The irony is that in DH's family (very insular) I would have been seen as perfectly normal and the model offspring; DH & his brother were actively discouraged from having friendships or doing things outside the home.

I can't read anything in OP that suggests the teen is unhappy for what is perceived as her lack of social life. Limit her TV time if it gets on her nerves, but otherwise just let people be happy how they like to be, eh?

Good post Ragged. I have to bite my tongue to stop myself trying to get ds to organise his social life. If someone calls him he'll happ[ily go out, but he never does the phoning.

I know that it's me, with introverted teenage years, trying to stop him being the same, but he does have a decent (but not exactly non stop) social life.