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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Pregnant teenager and boyfriend

22 replies

rose1927 · 01/07/2010 20:15

Hi
My ongoing trial of 17 year old pregnant DD.

It appears her boyfriend has been gambling, is in debt and has been taking drugs mcat to be exact.

She has said that she has finished with him, she has done this several times before.

He has now lost his job too. I have very strong views on drugs and have always told my teenagers if they bring drugs into my house I would ask them to leave.

I do not know that he has brought them in to my house but givin that when he has stayed he cannot get up before 12 unless I throw him out I beleive he is under the influence of them.

Obviously I am worried about the effect on my daughter so today I seized the moment when she told me this news.

I have said that I do not want him in our house anymore, and that if she gets back with him now we cannot support her while she is with someone with a gambling and drug problem. If he gets a job and comes to her with some money to support her and cleans up his act we will give him a second chance. is this fair? I am worried if she gets back with him I may have to ask to move out. I think if she does not have him in her life she can concentrate on her aprenticeship and baby. She is much happier without him. If she gets back with him I really dont know that I can watch him drag her and her baby down. Has anyone got any ideas or suggestions or is this the right road to go down and should I stand firm. I have a 10 year old and I dont want someone that takes drugs in my house.

OP posts:

NonnoMum · 01/07/2010 20:18

Hmm, tricky one. Think I'd probably deal with the same as you (i.e you will be accepted into my home when you are trustworthy).

scurryfunge · 01/07/2010 20:20

I think you are right to stipulate no entry into the house if drugs are being used but I think you will find it difficult to ban the relationship. Best she has your support in your household that outside of it with him. Only she can come to the conclusion he is not good for her.

Original poster

rose1927 · 01/07/2010 20:28

Yes, I agree with you scurryfunge I think my only concern is that she tends to give him all her spare money. So we are supporting her support him if you see what I mean. Although we dont give her any money because it always went to him, she uses what she has left of her own money then has no money for lunch or buses etc...she currently gives up half her wage to put by for the baby. But I agreen it will be hard to stop her if she goes back to him. I just worry that if I wont have him in our house she will end up at his and then will be sucked into a very unpleasant way of life. What a bloody mess.

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 01/07/2010 20:33

Have you ever had a heart to heart with him about how you feel and what his responsibilities should be? I'm guessing he knows damn well but is too immature to deal with the situation.

You can only support her in the best way that you can otherwise she will be driven to him, even if it is not in her or the baby's best interest.

Are social services involved at all because of his drug use?

Original poster

rose1927 · 01/07/2010 20:40

Yes we have had a chat to him, and no social services are not involved as she is only just pregnant and she lives with us and he is 20 and lives with his own family. His drug use is only recreational and mcat has only just been made illegal its that plant food that a few kids have died from taking it used to be a legal high (according to the frank website). I just have a particular dislike of drugs and what they lead too. This combined with his jobless state, his debt and gambling are not good. His family life is not great but its not terrible either. He really is just young and immature and does not want to grow up or step away from the group he hangs out with. He is probably scared too. I just dont want him in my house while his life is in this mess and there relationship is unstable it is unsettling for the other members of our family. I just wonder if I will have to let my daughter go before she realises for herself that what we have to offer is a better life. I just hope she is strong enough to stick to her guns she says she is sick of him at the minute.

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 01/07/2010 20:45

She will have to make the decision herself..you just have to make your alternative more desirable to her....and keep an eye on the baby in the meantime. If the support from his home is pretty crap then you could be a positive influence on him and give him some stability, without compromising your views on drug use, etc.

Original poster

rose1927 · 01/07/2010 20:53

Thanks scurryfunge. Think DD will be ok, she does not drink, smoke or do drugs just stupid enought to get pregnant. Its a long way off till baby born she only 10 weeks pregnant so hopefully things will sort themselves out. You are right about her making her own decision. I dont think baby would come to any harm at his house apart from passive smoking. They just do not have any work ethic at all and generally (this sounds awful) a bit rough. The mother in me wants her to give her baby what I gave her I suppose. Thanks for your advice.

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 01/07/2010 21:06

Good luck...hope it works out well for you all

noteventhebestdrummer · 01/07/2010 22:06

Mcat is a revolting drug and far from harmless, we have lived through the experience of that.

Your DS's BF will emotionally manipulate your DS to get the money he wants to buy the drug he wants and it will be hard for her to resist. I advise taking a tougher stance than you feel is needed and prepare for a long ride. Sorry.

If you do ever have him at yours make sure you keep anything of ANY value safe. Any decency goes out of the window when this stuff is involved I am afraid.

Original poster

rose1927 · 02/07/2010 08:07

Thank you noteventhebestdrummer

We have talked long and hard last night.

DH and I have decided that if she goes back to him then we cannot continue to support her. We will not have him in our house unless we have proof he has stopped.

I know it is not harmless she has a friend who has been left brain damaged with kidney failure by it. It seems to me from what I have seen on the teenage seen that it depends on the person taking it and obviously what it has been mixed with what the effects are and how addictive it is.

It is difficult to know whether he can be helped, he talks the talk but that is all.

She has taken him back countless times and split up with him for various reasons. Now she is pregnant and the fact that she wants to stay at home with her baby we need to take a firm stance. Thank you for keeping strong xx

OP posts:

noteventhebestdrummer · 02/07/2010 08:11

They talk the talk very well, they are driven by the chemical need

I make my DS furious by telling him I only take notice of his actions, not his words. Tough.

You're doing all the right things I think, hang in there.

expatinscotland · 02/07/2010 08:22

I never thought I'd say this but, for your daughter's sake, it's too bad she's not having an abortion.

SandyBits · 02/07/2010 08:27

I agree expat
YOu need to stop mollycoddling your daughter.
I think you have a very rose tinted view of her tbh. She has got mixed up with a very undesirable man and tbh you need to ask yourself why that is. ANd she is pregnant. Again, you need to be honest about why that is. This guy will not be a good father. No job, drug taking, and at such a young age. WHy on earth have you been allowing this to go on for so long? I got pg at university and my parents made it quite clear that if I kept it, (I did, she's now 6 ) I was on my own. And tbh I expected nothing less. I had my dd, got my own rented flat, finished my degree and got a job. Not once have I asked them for any kind of support. And tbh if my daughter got pg in the same circumstances, I would do the same. She is taking you for a fool. The baby is her responsibility. Do you really think that if she is living in your house she is goign to take 100% responsibility? Of course she's not. She needs to have a big, clear think about her decision tbh. NOt least because god knows what the drugs may have done to his swimmers

Original poster

rose1927 · 02/07/2010 10:22

Hi, I agree with you all, we wanted her to have a termination. She has decided she wants to go ahead. We have only agreed to support her to independence. She is an aprentice hairdresser. They have agreed to keep her on as she is such a credit to the salon. She is not able to claim anything until she is 18. If she goes ahead she needs to succeed at this. Our plan is to help her learn to cook and take care of herself, her room, washing, her finances while she is pregnant. Help her learn to care for her baby and then to move out when she is 18 or as soon as she has qualified and is earning more. She has been going out with him for 18 months and he has had a full time job for all of this time but the las 3 weeks. It has been a rocky relationship and it is very hard to parent someone who is working 40 hours per week. Our view was the more we say dont see him the more likely she was to continue seeing him. I wish she was not having this baby but I will not throw her out because she wants to keep it. A child and a family are for life not just for christmas and as loving parents we feel we need to support her decision and help her reach independence. I will only be looking after her baby until she is 18 and can claim her childcare costs back as she will be working.She is going to see her bf tonight and is telling him she will have nothing to do with him until he has a job and has cleaned up his act. She has always been attracted to unsuitable boyfriends I think it has just been part of her teenage rebellion.But she has steped up to the mark during this pregnancy and is putting money aside and if fully aware of what we will and will not do for her.As to why she got pregnant I think she was just careless, think they took a chance and thought it would be ok.I think you are right she does have rose tinted glasses on but I think none of us really understand what having a child is like until you have one. She knows full well that we do not want to parent her child and that we will not do so. We are just giving her somewhere to live until she can support herself.I do not have a rose tinted view of her but I am not going to force her to have a termination and I am not going to turn my back on her. We have laid down rules that she must stick too if she wants to stay supported by us. When I say supported we mean with love and somewhere to stay we are not financially supporting her child at all.

I think it is a credit to you that you managed to finish your degree and have your child without your parents input. Not everyone would be able to do that. I would not have been able to cope with a baby without my mum, dad, husband etc.... everyone is different.

OP posts:

RiverOfSleep · 02/07/2010 10:31

'I am not going to force her to have a termination and I am not going to turn my back on her'

Good for you rose1927. I don't have any words of wisdom but I think you are handling this really well. Good luck.

tiredfeet · 02/07/2010 10:35

I too think you are handling this really well and appropriately rose and wish you and your daughter all the best

noteventhebestdrummer · 02/07/2010 11:42

Me too. Parenting is for ever and the sh** times come with the good unfortunately.

Chatelaine · 02/07/2010 12:12

Lots of good advice here, I agree that you need to stick to your principles - no drugs in your home etc. BF needs to be told that the onus is on him to impress your DD and yourselves if he has any hope of being involved with his child. I really feel for you and you must have the awful feeling of being taken for a ride in that your money goes indirectly to the BF through your daughter. Sickening that he has no work ethic, drugs sap all that. He can only be helped if he recogizes that things need to change and is prepared to make the effort. I would focus on getting her to understand this and get her to acknowledge the pain and hurt this causes you. There are services out there for young fathers, if he signed up to something like a parenting course, that would be something. your daughter is bound to yo yo between having nothing to do with him and then picking up with him again and it will be awful for you, sorry.

Original poster

rose1927 · 02/07/2010 13:54

Hi Chatelaine

Thank you your posts have been so supportive through this.

It is good just to be able to get it all out of my head. many thanks x

OP posts:

Chatelaine · 02/07/2010 14:26

I'll just add that the BF is not your responsibility, so I hope you do not feel you have to actively do anything to help him. Enough that you make it plain what your standards are. I understand the frustration because you have standards and it's awful to watch while others stuff up. Just be careful that you don't go down the road of making up for all their shortcomings. This is so easier said than done as it's your grandchild. Your daughter is putting you under a lot of strain and I hope she knows it.

cassann46 · 06/08/2010 16:26

Hello again Rose, hope you remember me, just wanted to say my 17 year old daughter has had her baby girl on 30/7/10 she weighed 9lb 7oz! DD was amazing in labour depsite my fears she coped tremendously, she had a water birth and just seemed to know exactly what to do and when to do it, i was so proud of her, since coming home she is proving to be a fab mum doing all the right things, she is breastfeeding and coping so far with night feeds ( i am helping a bit at night) but not every night and she knows i would get too tired, but now when i hold my grandaughter in my arms and she smiles at me all my worries from before are gone, grandchildren are truly special and i would not change anything and neither would my DS, i am still so proud of her and know she will achieve her goals so just try and imagine that little baby in your arms soon. HOpe all remains well for you, contact me again if you need to know anything else.

Original poster

rose1927 · 06/08/2010 18:04

Hi cassann

Thank you, I am so glad all is working out well for you, 9lb 7oz wow. All is well here she has had a scan and all is well and her boyfriend has just started a new job. She has been saving for her baby and doing all we ask. We are feeling much calmer now and although we still have our ups and downs things are better. Thank you again and all good wishes to all of you. xxxxxx

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