Yet more aggro with 16yr old dd

[kansasmum]

God I am so angry right now my poor keyboard is getting bashed to hell.

DD is 16 and still with loser boyfriend. Today she wanted to go to the beach with him so i said ok but he messed her about so at 10am she said 'I'm not going now can't be bothered" I thought FINALLY she is seeing the light regarding him.
I had to run some errands so came back an hour later to discover she was now going to the beach and boyfriend's mother was collecting her.
Dropped YD's friend home after sleepover and saw DD in car with boyfriend and his mum on my way back.
She hadn't even bothered to say goodbye to her Dad when she left. Told me she was going to beach with boyfriend and family cos its boyfriend's younger sister's b'day (she is about 8).
DD has had her phone taken away cos of big bill. Had to text boyfriend at 8.30 cos had heard nothing- she tells me they aren't leaving beach til 10.30pm and I would need to collect her from boyfriend's house later! Its 45 mins from beach to his house!!

When I said she was unreasonable she went off on one and said if iI was a normal parent I would just let her stay at her boyfriends!!!!! Told her that I don't let her stay with people who SPIT in her face (There is another thread about this on here if you can be bothered!).
So we ended up having huge row and muggins here will now have to go get her about midnight.I absolutely refuse to let her sleep there.

She has dumped ALL her other friends because of this a**hole boyfriend who is controlling.
Her behaviour is unbelievable and she is stupid too if she thinks that I would believe an 8yr old birthday party goes on til 10.30pm!!!!!!!

So f*ing angry I have cried for about an hour.
Its her prom on Weds and feel like cutting up the dress we bought and setting fire to the shoes!!! She will be at the Prom with loser boyfriend and none of her friends want to know her because of the boyfriend and yet she still can't see him for the asshole he is. He says jump she says how high!

Sorry for the essay- I am at a loss and feel hopeless.

I dont think I can help but I just wanted to say I really, really sympathise.

I have a 16 year old boy and sometimes feel utterly hopeless myself.

In fact I feel so horrible at it all that I have avoided talking about it online at all. I am usually happy to ask for advice or sympathy on here but I really cannot face getting in to it.

Try and step back a little bit if you can. I know I find it almost impossible though.

Someone gave me some good advice for when they are shouting and ranting at you. Imagine you are wearing a crash helmet with the visor down. It really works (sometimes).

Just sending a bit of empathy your way.

Is it at all possible for you to set the pick up time as you are doing the lift.
Tell her you will be at the beach at 10.30 to pick her up?

Hi Kansas,
I'm still a teenager myself - I'm on here as I work as a nanny. I gave my mum similar grief when I was 16, so I suppose all I can do is try and explain how I felt. I really hope this isn't patronizing, but my younger brother is going through similar things and my mum has found it helpful to hear why he's doing it.
I can only think that in her eyes she's making compromises for her boyfriend as part of a healthy relationship, whereas you can see that she's neglecting her friends.
I always had the most respect for my mother when she let me make my mistakes, but in hindsight that meant she then picked up the pieces afterwards.
If your daughter knows you've been crying she will feel horrendous. There's nothing worse than making one of your parents cry - I've been there and maybe you have too, but it's so awful.
If you thought for a second you could, I would say that if you could detach yourself as much as possible given that she's your daughter, you might get somewhere.
So, for example, tell your DD that you want a text from her by 7 pm when she's out, to know her plans, just a "Hi mum, out with bf at xxxx will be back home at 9". Ask her how her night was and leave it at that if you can. You should be proud that she's talking to you at all about her boyfriend - it was only the most mature of my friends who were doing that when I was 16 - but don't try and tell her that she's wrong. She may well know that she's wrong but the Laws of The Teenager state that we will argue the point to the death because we can blame it on the hormones.
I really really hope this hasn't come across as patronizing, and as for the prom, maybe treat it as a reconnection type thing? Do her hair if she'll let you, or offer to take her to have it or her nails done and get yours done at the same time. Then just wait to develop American accents and for the 90s music to start playing
Best of luck, remember we do get nicer (and responsible) and take care!!

All good advice here, do try and stay calm, although it's difficult. Collect her tonight, that's the immediate thing, and then just go to bed and deal with it tomorrow. Just let her know you are worried/angry/upset (a person)!

We live out in the sticks and DD ALWAYS tells whoever she is with "Oh Mum/Dad will pick me up". After texting her to find out when she would be home she then sent me a string of abusive texts, telling me to f* off and all because dh and I refuse to let her sleep over at her b/friends- this is not something we will compromise on.

She is like a different person these days- hardhearted, mean, unkind.

She does NOTHING all day- lays around, doesn't see ANYONE but the boyfriend and does very little to help out round here.

She told last night that she hates me, that I control her life, we don't treat her like a grown up she hates being part of our family, she feels unloved.....you get the picture. I cried and cried- she didn't bat en eyelid- its like doesn't give a crap.
She says she doesn't want to live here.

It breaks my heart.

She wants a later curfew- I would let her stay out till 11pm happily BUT she NEVER EVER gets a lift home we ALWAYS have to go get her and my little boy is up at 6-6.30 most days and dh works and travels a lot. And we don't always WANT to pick her up.

She wants everything her own way- she will not even meet us halfway.

I am at my wits end and see my family being torn apart and she was never like this before.

aspoonfulofsugar -thank you for your insight, not patronising at all. I wish she did feel horrendous about em crying- she acted like she couldn't give a crap.

The parenting decisions you are making are very, very hard on you. Are you really sure you want to be making this choice?

If you want the easy way out you could let her stay out (at boyfriends/wherever) and refuse to pick her up.

I absolutely salute you for holding firm on this as you feel strongly about it but you are choosing this battle over and above everything else.

She lacks empathy towards you as this is the only battle you are holding firm on - where's the battle over the lazy cow helping round the house? Doing her chores?

Either compromise on this battle and choose others or hold firm and stop crying in front of her.

If she refuses to do chores then put her out the house - lock the door with her on the other side of it - let her walk 45 minutes to the boyfriends.

Don't forget you have the power not just to pick her up but to put her out too.

If you don't change your choice then really tell yourself it is a choice that you've made - your doing a wonderful job

I worry that our relationship will be irretrievably broken (if it isn't already) if I do something like put her out the house. She ran up a big bill on her phone(yes its contract- she never went anywhere near her mins limit before the b/friend). So if she walks out I have difficulty getting hold of her

I want to stand firm on the sleeping over because I KNOW her she will end up living there 90% of the time- give her an inch she will take a mile.

I feel like everything is a battle and she says all i do is have ago at her.

Trouble is I have gotten so upset over this I can no longer step back and see clearly so I don't know now whether she genuinely feels this or is just trying to manipulate the situation??

Dh is furious and says really horrible things to me about her which break my heart. I know he is angry but its like he wants to write her off and have nothing to do with her.

I can understand your anger and frustration, but speak to your husband about all this with a view to agreeing on arriving at an approach to all this (lots of storming but go with it) You won't achieve it in one go. Be united in this agreed approach and hold tight, that way it much harder for DD to walk all over you. She is flexing her muscles. Try to have big conversations/confrontations together with DH or just walk away, say you can't discuss this without each other. Be consistent on this (hopefully it will give you so much more strength) but it takes practise! I agree with others in saying that cryng in front of the LB does not help, they smell blood in my opinion and it does you no favours. Should not be that way, but for lots they just do not have the empathy at that stage, or if they do, they have overriding concerns. Sorry to suggest this, but her change of personality may be in part to cannabis, if so do not despair, just be aware and get informed. You are not alone in this and it is tough but not uncommon, be strong.

Agree that sudden change of personality may be a sign of some new habit unfortunately...

And you can't control ALL of what she does so imo you should concentrate on the things you CAN control like her phone, when she comes home (even though yes, you need to pick her up) and providing treats like Prom dress & shoes.

She actually is listening to you isn't she? She could just refuse to come home at all, the anger she comes out with will be because she does not want to be controlled at all by you but on some (very very) deep level DOES know it is the right thing. If it helps her to say to her awful BF that she wants to stay but her ** parents won't let her, at least that gives her an excuse.