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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Have I Been Unreasonable

11 replies

rose1927 · 23/06/2010 10:16

As you will know my 17 year old daughter is pregnant. Her boyfriend got laid off las week from his job, he could of stayed and got paid until the end of the month but he decided just to walk out. He not cant afford his car insurance so has not got a car. This morning my daughter asked me if my her dad could pick up her boyfriend tonight. At the moment her dad leaves at 6.30am he is a builder, builds all day and as we are building our extension comes home at 5 and keeps digging till 9pm then we check on our horse... so a long day. I asked if maybe his mum or dad could bring him, no she said they have no money for extra petrol they wont...can he get the bus I asked no he has no moneyshe said. His family are gamblers and spend money in the bookies they are drinkers too. My daughter is working 12 hours today so she said its ok I will get 2 buses to go and see him. I feel awful about this...So I have suggest this...If he walks to her work which is about a one and half to two hour walk (I do this with the dog everday). We will pick them both up when she finishes work as it is on the way back from the horse anyway. Her boyfriend is at home all day in bed but he would rather see her work 12 hours pregnant and then get 2 buses rather than walk to meet her. Am I being to harsh... I just feel he should be treating her with more care and respect. We do not mind sharing the lift between his family and ourselves we know they need to keep seeing eachother now more than ever. It is not fair though to expect my husband to do it all, what about our petrol money...comes down to this feeling of supporting another family because they wont support or help there son. We are cross too that he didnt stay at work for as long as he could. Also my daughter deserves to be treated better than this he should be walking over hot coals to get to see her. She needs to see him and his family for what they are.

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RunawayWife · 23/06/2010 10:23

I think she neede to see him and his family for what they are before she fell pregnant.

If you pick him up are you expected to take him home also?

mumoffourgirls · 23/06/2010 10:24

Hopefully in time she will see them for what they really are.. I was 17 when i had my first DD and her father was a really useless twat although it took me a while to work it out for myself. I think they are being unreasonable to ask your husband to lift and lay him especially as he has been working hard all day. Tell her you will be there to support her and the baby as much as you can but you are not going out of your way to run after her boyfriend and if he was any kind of man at all he would find a way to get to see her...

rose1927 · 23/06/2010 10:29

Aboslutely, think he would probably of stayed the night and then miracuously found someone to give him a lift in the morning after laying around my house in bed till lunch time, grrrhhhh I am trying to be paitent but to me looking for a job means getting up early and looking and looking till you find one. Do I need to be cruel to be kind on this one? I dont want her to feel she is being punished, she isn't but really think they would just take the piss if we don't lay some rules now. He is a 20 year old man....He could be jobless for months does she really expect her dad just to take him backwards and forwards all the time? A Push bike thats what he needs, might suggest that, that will go down well...

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webwiz · 23/06/2010 10:30

To be honest if he was my son I would have sent him back to work with a grovelling apology and made him work till the end of the month. I think you have enough on your plate without having to effectively parent someone else's teen. And yes if your daughter's boyfriend wants to see her he should make more effort and if he has no money (but plenty of time) he should walk. I bet you feel like every day throws up a new problem Rose

mumoffourgirls · 23/06/2010 10:37

I think you do need to be cruel to be kind on this one and hopefully in time she will come to learm that what you are trying to do is for the best.

cory · 23/06/2010 12:35

Definitely cruel to be kind here. Sounds absolutely ghastly. Is there any way in which you can tactfully suggest to your dd that maybe a grown man who is happy to sponge on his girlfriend's parents and totally unwilling to put himself out for her is perhaps not deserving of her devotion? (never mind what you feel she deserves at the moment)

rose1927 · 23/06/2010 14:18

Thank you all for your advice, wish I could just run away and hide at the moment. Am struggling to cope with all of this. Bigs thanks again x

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mumoffourgirls · 23/06/2010 14:24

Dont be hard on yourself you can only do what you think is right, I hope your daughter sees the light soon and gets rid of him, its hard to bring up the baby at 17 and lonely but thats what loving supportive parents are for ...

Acanthus · 23/06/2010 14:27

A push bike is exactly what he needs. And I bet he can find someone to lend him one if he puts his mind to it. Or look at the ads in the paper, or try freecycle.

Chatelaine · 27/06/2010 12:57

Rose, I've only just seen this, hence the lateness. I really feel for you and your husband. You sound able, organised and hardworking people that have made a good life and it is so frustrating when the younger generation "don't get it!", expecting it all on a platter -that basically you reap what you sow in life, not meaning to be too harsh on others that have genuine bad luck. Sharing the inner Grrrr... You do need to be consistent imo, if you "give" too much now they will always look for the easy option. They do not yet(?) understand having to do without luxuries will not kill them and that taking pride in what they can do for themselves (like wait for a bus) is important to their self respect. Sounds as far as the bf is concerned this is all double dutch so probably flogging a dead horse expecting him to step up to the mark. Possibly your daughter has starry eyed ideas that he will magically transform into a "man". You are taking the brunt of all this responsiblility. Stick to the basic support that is a safety net, if she/they (are they a team?) have expectations that there are other services on offer such as lifts, you will not be doing them a favour and you will become a slave to the whole thing. They need to get their priorties right and build their own life. Be strong and really, really acknowlege what you are prepared to do and spell it out.

rose1927 · 28/06/2010 09:09

Thanks Chatelaine, I am trying to be really really strong the trouble is I think we are really confused, on the one hand we want to support and help but on the other we feel she is runing our lives...its so hard being consistent I think the underlying issue for me is that if it was an accident I could accept it more I just cant get over the fact that she has just let this happen every time I think about it I just dont think I will ever be able to forgive her for the change in our lives she is imposing on us. Yet I cant see a way out that doesn't seem harsh and uncaring. I am going for some councelling today - maybe that will help. Thank you so much for your kind words they meant a lot when I was feeling down.x

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