Too harsh in imposing financial responsibility?

[Yika]

I was shocked about a situation that arose between my partner and his elder daughter the other day and would appreciate other people's perspective. I don't have any teenagers - I'm just expecting my first child so perhaps I'm not being understanding enough of him.

The daughter is 19, passed her driving test a few months ago, and has been driving his spare car. (She needs to drive to get to university.) The car was quite a few years old and only had 3rd party insurance.

She had a very bad crash on the motorway on Wednesday, had to swerve to avoid someone when overtaking at speed and rolled over at 75mph.

She came out of it miraculously unharmed, but the car was a write-off, and since it was her fault, it won't be covered by the insurance (of course it may be possible to get something back by selling it for scrap or part-exchanging it for a new car).

Anyway I was aghast to find that he was insisting that she pay him back the full current market value of the car, which he's estimated at around EUR 4000.

Obviously if he had crashed it he wouldn't have got anything back, so why impose that on her? She has no income so that debt will be hanging over her until she starts work in 4 or 5 years' time (degrees taking longer over here).

Any thoughts? Am I being naive in thinking she shouldn't have to pay? Fair enough to insist that she now has to buy her own car if she wants a replacement ... but pay him back??!

I think it would be fair enough to expect her to pay for a new car of similar value that would belong to your partner in theory, but be used by her.

She has to take responsibility for borrowing something of high value, and this is how it works when you have third party insurance only - hard but true

hm.

I does sound harsh on the face of it but I agree with CMOT - there won't be a car for her to drive if she doesn't pay. Does she expect him to replace it???

Glad she is OK though - it sounds terrifying (in fact I bet she won't be wanting to drive for a bit )

No, she wouldn't expect him to replace it. She was planning to buy one herself anyway (what with, I'm not sure, since she doesn't get a student grant or an allowance from him).

I think I could understand if he wanted to make her pay part of it as a token gesture - but not the full amount. (I should add, by the way, that he's not hard up.)

As things stand, even once she's got her own car, she will still have to pay him back for the crashed one.

I agree it's a bit harsh for him to want her to pay the full amount back, But she should pay something towards it.

She was driving a car belonging to her father and she wrote it off (thankfully she wasn't hurt). If it belonged to somebody other than him she would have to reimburse them.

It's up to him really isn't it. Might seem a bit harsh but he could be giving her a valuable lesson. Have you asked him his reasons?

Yes you're right it is up to him (though I fear we may differ over how to treat our own child later on , which I suppose is why it bothers me so much). And yes, he said that it's because he wants his children to be responsible. Not that the daughter needs teaching a lesson of that kind: she is already hard-working and responsible (actually she doesn't seem to have taken it as badly as I have! so it probably seems fair enough to her!).

It's good for me to hear all your perspectives on it as it's making me feel less wound up about it. Thanks.

But the incident comes on top of many other instances where I wouldn't take the same stance as him over family finances - hence my perhaps over-reaction.

I wish he would give his kids a bit of a break every now and then.

Hmmm. I guess I think it's a little harsh but not the most outrageous thing I've ever heard of. Not very helpful, but there you go.

Not outrageous, but is she having to pay her own uni fees too? I am at uni and it's about £3,000 a year so if he expects her to pay for a car on top of that, then that is harsh. But as it was borrowed I do think she should pay, at least some of it, if not all.

Maybe he's trying to make her realise the consequences of driving unsafely and too fast. Or the fact that there are consequences, and that under the circumstances, it lucky they're only monetary and not physical!

Could be a shock reaction?

DS1 crashed my car (his fault entirely) and I made him pay the difference between the insurance pay out and the actual cost of purchasing a replacement car of similar mileage. But that was only £500.

LollipopViolet - they don't pay fees over here (I live in Belgium) but she doesn't get a grant or an allowance and works in a bar for any spending money. She lives with her dad (my bf) as she doesn't have enough money to live independently - but it does mean a one-hour commute (with her paying for the petrol).

ajandjjmum - not a shock reaction, quite standard for him

I appreciate everyone's views - I think I probably overreacted (we are having quite a difficult time at the moment) though I still find him on the severe side with his children, especially when it comes to finances.