How do I get her to see this is abusive behaviour?

[kansasmum]

God- just got my head round the whole sex thing and have now found out a WHOLE heap of stuff that makes me seriously worried about ED and her boyfriend's relationship.

Basically- boyfriend has always seemed bit immature and moody but put it down to teenage behaviour/hormones etc.
However there have been a few times when his behaviour has not been as I would expect- being moody with ED for no reason, picking an argument etc and I have spoken to ED about this but she says "Oh he's just stressy about exams"

Last night was his birthday and ED was at his house and we had agreed to collect her at midnight this once cos it was his birthday.
Get a phone-call at 9.45pm to come get her- she comes home all sobbing and upset. After ensuring she was not physically hurt I talked to her and after what she told me in my opinion this is an abusive relationship.
He made her delete all her male friends from her phone and Facebook, he doesn't like her seeing her other friends (even though they are girls), so she doesn't really see any of them now, he checks her phone and a friend who is in the Army and back on leave texted her yesterday and he went mad and grabbed the phone and texted back to this boy saying 'Don't contact me again" and then deleted the number so she can't call or text him to tell him the real story.
He got really angry yesterday with her over nothing- she had said something he didn't like probably and he had a real go at her - full on yelling and his Gran and other family members were there and they did nothing to intervene! It culminated in him- SPITTING- in her face!!!!!.

i told her she wasn't to speak to him and asked for her phone but she refused- huge arguments ensued- I had been having a reasonable discussion about it with her and had shown her various websites with "signs you are in an abusive r/ship". She agreed his behaviour was out of line and then he called and she was talking to him and I asked her not to contact him and she said she would leave it for tonight but she didn't so asked for her phone massive arguments her shouting, eventually dh phoned and blocked the sim. had to then hide all house phones and disable computers to prevent her talking to him!!

Found this morning she has used my mobile to post on facebook to him 'I love you" and obviously texted him too.

How do I get her to see he is abusive and how do i stop her form seeing him?? She is 16 and in the heat of the argument told she can dow hat she wants and I have no say. She told me (during the rational talk) that she is worried none of her friends will hang round with her now cos she dropped them all because of him- so i think she feels she has no-one but him. i explained that her true friends will understand if she is honest with them but I have a feeling today she is going to say "oh its all fine he was just in a mood".

Why does she think this behaviour is acceptable?

Of course despite her honest & mature attitude about them having sex I am worried he pressured her into that now too.

How do I get her to see this boy for what he is and how do I stop the relationship?

Sorry for the mammoth post!

"How do I get her to see this boy for what he is and how do I stop the relationship?"

You can't

The more you push the more she will go to him. You will just have to sit back, bite your tongue and be there to pick up the pieces.

Wow, you have my sympathy - your hands are really tied on this - trying to ban her from seeing him will just set this up as a whole romeo-and-juliet thing for her, won't it.

Sounds like you did the right thing trying to get her to see his behaviour for what it is. Saw a poster campaign recently (not sure if it was local or national) warning teenagers about abusive relationships but you seem to have found that.

The only approach I can even think of is talking to her friends, explaining the situation and how worried you are, and encouraging them not to give up on seeing her and inviting her out. Do you know any of her friends? Are they sensible/mature enough to handle this sort of thing? I know the group of friends I was in at 16 could have quietly but persistently kept on at a girl in this situation, so she never felt the door was closed IYKWIM. But it's high risk, she might go mad if she finds you've talked to her friends about her.
I can't imagine it's escaped their notice that her BF is an arse though.

Or showing her some of the many, many threads on MN from women who stayed with their arsehole, and what the situation is like 10/20 years down the line, with kids in the mix, worrying about whether a phone call to Women's Aid will show up on the phone bill.

I have just been through this and it was awful. I felt constantly worried, frustrated, angry, disappointed...it is just dreadful.

Firstly, it helped to stay completely calm and give buckets of affection. I also posted on here and got excellent advice - perhaps the two most important/helpful were 1)to get her to phone Women's Aid 0808 2000 247. She spoke to a counsellor over the phone who was brilliant. They also have a website with a younger person section which is very good. Get her to try the 'are you being abused' bit - one of the issues for DD was the denial that it was abuse (like your daughter, she made excuses for him) and having outside evidence was very useful. I arranged for her to have counselling through her school, too, to help her talk through her feelings - that's been very good for her.

And 2)Not to allow him to isolate her from us or her friends. Whenever I felt like conversations between us were getting heated, I would tell myself that meant he was winning and calm down. I organised things for us to do together (not over the top, just a bit of shopping or getting a girly video) and with her friends, encouraging her to see them and go out with them. Although I didn't approach them and say 'help me get rid of this knob jockey' they already thought he was a waste of space and one of them was also in an abusive relationship - giving advice to her was a real wake-up call for my daughter, she realised that the excuses her friend was making were the same things she was saying about her own boyfriend.

You have to behave in the opposite way to him - don't try to control her. Show her that you are the people who really love her, and treat her with respect and kindness. And - even if it feels like it might kill you, don't slag him off;be polite to him and about him. Don't expect her to be able to admit he is abusive right away, you have to go slowly and carefully, letting her explore her feelings without censorship or criticism. Be prepared for the stage when she starts to understand he is abusive but wants to 'fix' him.

Good Luck,
Tanga

She won't see his behaviour for what it is. His mother has spoken to him apparently and tore him off a strip about his behaviour but she spent nearly all afternoon on the phone to him

One of her best friends has told her she needs to dump him but she just won't do it. Dh went mad this am and I had to intervene and calm things down- she did talk calmly to me but she swears up and down he will never do it again (yeah right). I have told her she needs to get out and see her friends more and get her so she says she has made arrangements to see 2 of her friends on Tuesday. I hope she isn;t lying.

For now I feel I have to sit back, tell her how I feel and then leave her to it and hope she comes to her senses and just be there to pick up he pieces.
Dh told her she wasn't to see him anymore and she flipped and threatened to leave home etc.
I think if we ban her from seeing him she will just lie and cheat to see him and then her safety is compromised.

I cried and c ried this pm in the loo- I cannot believe she would let him treat her like this- she is such a strong minded, confident kid normally.

I think she does think she can fix him
I just feel sick with worry.