13yo dd wants to leave school

[prisonerofazkaban]

My dd has always been difficult but last week has started to say that she doesn't want to go to school anymore. She wants to be homeschooled and then go to a new school in September. She didn't go to school last Monday and Tuesday she said she was ill and I believed her because she had been ill over the half term holiday. She went on Wed and Thurs (her grandparents drop her off most days)but then when it was my turn to take her on Friday she refused to go. She wouldn't get dressed. I tried to drag her to the car but she is a lot bigger than me and started getting hysetrical. She was also upsetting my 2 ds's. She was just crying and crying and in no state to go straight to school. I called school and told them that she was upset and would be late for school. After much coaxing I got her to school for second lesson. Later in the day her form teacher called me and we tallked through the problems she is having and she suggested that dd sees a counsellor. Dd refuses to discuss things with anyone at the school. She says that she is scared of people starring at her and talking about her behind her back. She has lots of friends so that is not the problem. She is very concerned about how she looks and most days it is difficult to get her to be ready for school on time because her hair and makeup need to be perfect. She is frightened to walk to school on her own and does not like going into the dinner hall because she thinks that people will be looking at her and talking about her. We have been takling about it for hours and hours and I don't seem to be getting any further I really want to help her but I am getting so frustrated with her. She says she wants to kill herself when she is sixteen and she wishes that she will die tonight in her sleep. I am scared that she does something stupid over trivial stuff that she should forget about.

Sorry its so long but I don't know where to turn. Any advice would be appreciated.

You need to get the school to refer her to CAMHS urgently. Has she seen a doctor?

Thanks for replying so quickly. I am going to speak to the school again this week. I had thought about taking her to the doctor. I am thinking the she is being over dramatic and am frightened that she is wasting someones time. So many children have to deal with severe bullying at school and I feel that she is just looking for excuses to have an easy life. She really wants to be a model and a actress but DH and I have been trying to encourage her to be more realistic with her aspirtations. She want's to join model agencys now and keeps applying for beauty pageants (they cost lots of money and we really can't afford it at the minute)and thinks that her life is not worth living if she is not going to be able to do what she wants when she is older. I think that she is just being stupid and needs to get real (I can't tell her this of course). I feel so upset about this I can't see that we are going to get anywhere with her.

I have a school refusing 12 yr old. At least she is going at the moment but has gone through phases where she just can't go. I've never got to the bottom of why she can't go so you are doing bloody brilliantly for your DD to be telling you why she can't go.

Get the school on your side. keep on at them until they give you help. There will be a school councellor person. talk to them - even if your DD won't talk to them you can. Speak to her form tutor, her mentor or head of year. anyone who knows her and the year group who might know whats been going on.

Go to the GP and ask for a CAMHS referral. CBT or just talking things though wioth a totally impartial person can help hugely.

Make lists of what is concerning you and what is concerning her. it's very easy to forget bits or for professionals to focus on only one aspect of the problem not the whole picture.

Keep talking. Don't blame her or force her. you'll both just feel bad about it. Don't drag her to the car (I know - I did it for ages before I realised) if she can't go then tell her it is OK to stay at home until things are sorted out.

She keeps saying to me that she does not want to talk about anything she keeps telling me things that are causing a problem and then when I give her a solution to the problem she thinks of a reason why it can't work or refuses to do what I say. She is lazy at the best of times and I can't help thinking that she just doesn't want to go to school.

sounds very familiar, but DD says 'I just hate it' without giving me reasons. which infuriates me. I suggest this or that and she says no.

If I was giving me advice I'd say to step back and give her control over deciding whether to go or not.

in reality I shout and get cross which doesn't help at all.

I hate seeing her so unhappy and for a while she has been unhappy in general but she spends so much time in her bedroom I can't usually get anything out of her. She has always gone to school but like any other teenager was always a bit like "do I have to?". We have 2 ds's aged 4 and 7 and we probably do seem to spend a lot of our time sorting them out. The youngest has bad sleeping problems and takes ages to sort out in the evenings so me and dd don't get much quality time together. When I do organise any special time with her it is like pulling teeth she has not get up and go. God I am getting frustrated taking about it my keyboard is getting some hammer

My dd is only 10 so I'm no expert but I read this thread and I think most kid's go through a phase of not liking school, feeling self concious, feeling they don't fit in or look the way they think they should etc it's part of growing up imo.

If I had behaved that way I would have been told in no uncertain terms that I was going to school, infact I had glandular fever for about a year and until I was diagnosed my mum would make me go, in class I was so cold I sat with a coat on and would frequently fall asleep at my desk but I still had to go to school, it was none negotiable and I knew it. Once diagnosed I was allowed more time off until I recovered.

What I'm trying to say is I think what your daughter is feeling is natural and within the realms of normal, the sucide talk is not good obviously so worth seeing the GP if you feel she is serious but I'd be wary of blowing it up of proportion and pandering to the drama because it will only encourage the behaviour especially if she thinks it will get her out of school.

A lot of teens don't like school, they all find excuses or bunk off. Personally I would tell her she is going because unless she is really sick there is no reason to stay off and in the long term it is for her own good.

I would ask her to write a diary which she could chose to share with you if she wants to, or even to write you letters explaining how she feels so she can deal with her emotions and you can help her if she needs it.

Ask her what she wants when she grows up, does she want nice things, somewhere to live when she leaves home, money to go out, own a nice car, take holidays to nice places etc? I'm guessing she does? So she will need to work hard at school to achieve her dreams and gain the things in life she wants. Help her to imagine her life past school, things she can do when she is 18, 21, 30 etc

A few egs that would have appealed to me at that age were...
learning to drive
going on holidays with my friends
meeting a boyfriend
going out with her friends
travelling the world
getting her own home, choosing furniture and decorating it etc

Having missed nearly a year of school myself I can tell you that it did me no favours even though I thought it was great at the time, I ended up leaving school with 1 GCSE and got pregnant at 16 and though I've managed it wasn't at all easy and I wish to god I had re done that year and gained a better education.

I hope your daughter feels better soon. Having been a nightmare teen myself I can tell you I have come out the other side and am very grateful to my parents for being so patient and firm when I needed it.

My dd started school refusing just after her 13th birthday, and was also self-harming and suicidal. The school have done a wonderful job, with counselling sessions, but also with arrangements so she could get out of lessons and to a safe place (counsellor's room) if she really couldn't cope. CAHMS have also been involved and helped.

In her case, there was no point in talking about things she might want to do later in life: the stress was so high that she wanted to kill herself, precisely to get out of having to do things.

She is now a lot better. The actual problem is one we can't solve for her (chronic pain and disability) but with the help she has had, she has now got to a place where she is no longer paralysed with fear over it.

So far so good this morning. She had a bit of a panic at the last minute because she had no eyeliner fgs but I dropped her off at the main entrance and will pick her up there tonight. Just hope noting awful happens at school today that will knock her confidence... would be typical.

Cory - your dd obviously has good reason to struggle with things sometimes. Whuch makes me think that my dd is just attention seeking and could get over this if she really tried.

"Cory - your dd obviously has good reason to struggle with things sometimes. Whuch makes me think that my dd is just attention seeking and could get over this if she really tried."

prisoner, you would think that in any case- I often think it: I get very angry with her

basically, it's embarrassing to have a dd who can't cope with life

but one thing I have learnt from our CAHMS involvement, and particularly from dd's stay at a rehabilitation clinic (which was wonderful) is that it doesn't matter if the issues are "real" or not to an outsider: if you have a mental health issue then it's real to you

if your dd is this upset, then something is real to her

this does not necessarily mean she shouldn't be made to go into school, but she may need support

my dd has bona fide joint issues, but I suspect her joints wouldn't play up half so much if she didn't tense because of emotional issues- so it's the same about feeling they are to blame

I would take her to the doctor and ask for a referral

something like CBT might actually help her to control her fears

We have been trying to be patient with her but she can be very trying at times. Even when we make a big effort to be nice to her she goes off on one and misbehaves like a small child. She is always hitting her little brothers and taking their toys and hiding them. We have just had to go through 3 hours of her having a "tantrum" because she is bored. I have had to bite my tongue several times not to tell her to stop acting mental but that will do nothing for her confidence. I think that this behaviour is unacceptable and am ashamed when she behaves like this for other people. She goes to her grandma's house after school most days while I am at work and sometimes behaves like this. She can see that it upsets her grandma but she couldn't care less.

Her teacher has spoken to her today and arranged for her to see the school counsellor. Dd is saying that she is not going to so I'll have to keep my fingers crossed she changes her mind.

I would take the advice that is given here and get her some counselling outside school.

A friend of mine's daughter has no "big issues", a lovely family and two successful easy older brothers. However her issues with "being a teenager" lead to her becoming Anorexic. She has had a stay in a residential place, and the whole family has had family therapy to cope with her issues.

I would very strongly suggest that you get her help now. Lots of teenagers do have huge crisis of confidence over their looks. They have huge hormone rushes that cause their behaviour to be erratic. One minute they act like adults the next they act like kids (and for the same reason to get attention because they feel insecure and unloved). Their brains do not process social information as well as other age groups, so they can misread most things as aggression.
Please get her help, and don't assume that she will go to the school counselor if she says she won't. Listen to her and get her an outside counselor (actually the school counselor may well suggest this).

Good luck!

A counsellor may be able to give good practical advice about things like getting her up in the mornings: we've actually had a lot of useful suggestions there. I sense that you feel in some way counselling would be pandering to her, and she doesn't deserve it because she is deliberately behaving this way. There may be some truth in this, but a good counsellor may just be able to suggest some things to help her turn round- and to make her want to turn round.

I might be missing the point here, but could you take her out of school for a while? She's only 13, so not doing GCSEs yet. Even if she was older, I've known people take their kids out in the middle of GCSE courses and they've gone on to do very well at home.

I'm betting any money you wouldn't need CAHMS, the doctor, or anyone else. Saying she will kill herself at 16 is a real cry for help. Even if you don't think you can educate her as well, does that matter if she is alive?

I took my youngest out at 8 for lots of reasons, but partly because she started saying some very worrying things about the future and it was a wake up call. My eldest came out at 12. Both girls are utterly transformed, so happy and balanced.

If you need more help, ask more on the home ed board.

If she was mine I'd be doing everything in my power, no matter what it took, to get her out of there. A significant number of children each year commit suicide because of school. My sister's best friend was one of them. Don't let your daughter be in that number. I think assuming it is attention seeking is a dangerous game - what if you are wrong? I will probably be flamed by the schooled majority but please think carefully about this.

music, I think you have a good point and home schooling is one option

however, I would strongly advise the OP to have a careful look at her dd first and find out that school is actually causing the problem or if there is an underlying problem that then makes her afraid to go to school

if it is the latter, pulling her out of school won't actually help

when my dd started school refusing, it turned out to be about something totally different that made her frightened of getting out of bed and get on with life: the only reason she didn't like school was that it made her confront that fear, but so would everything else that did not involve hiding under her duvet all day

in her case, it was school that provided the solution

I reckon if I'd taken her out, she might well have tried suicide by now

Thanks for all your advice. She has spoken to the school counsellor yesterday and she said that they played a game ans she thought that it was a good idea and that it might help her. She has been to school everyday although it has been a struggle to get her there each morning. Once she is there she is fine, she enjoys most of her lessons and has fun with her friends. I just think that it is the initial going into school that she is finding difficult. This morning she tried to get out of going because she hadn't put her make up on. Not a good enough excuse for being late I don't think. But I was firm and took her dropped her off and she seemed happy to go in reassured by the fact that I will be picking her up from the main entrance tonight.

I am going to make her an appointment at the doctors for next week just to make sure that she is going to get all the help she needs. I think that besides the issues with looks she also seems to get frustrated about stuff really easily. Even though she is 13 I am going to try to get her into a good routine like we have for her brothers. Her room is also in a total mess and I know how living in chaos can make you feel depressed so if we get thayt sorted then it might help.

Thank you for the update. I hope things go well for your daughter.