Mum, have you ever smoked cannabis?

[Slambang]

asked ds (13) out of the blue at the table tonight.

The answer is yes, but dh and I had agreed this is the one question that we would lie to ds about and say no.

So I said no. Blushed. Giggled. Said no again. . Ds said 'you have, haven't you?' and I ended up spluttering and saying yes, but I was so stupid bla bla lecture lecture.
Ds (deaf to the lecture) - 'yeah yeah I know I know... but now you can never tell me not to do it, can you?' (with cheeky smirk)

Oh shit.

Should I have lied? I want to be open with ds but I don't want him to use this as an excuse to 'experiment' because it can't be that bad if his straight-laced mumsy mum did so in her yoof.

Aghh. Your experiences or advice welcome.

See, even though I've smoked I would advise DC not to because it wasn't that great -- it made me so spaced out I couldn't even hold a conversation and I truly didn't know which way was up. How can you have your wits about your in life when you're so out of it? And that's what I was like on just a few puffs, so heaven knows what it could have been like if I had been a dedicated stoner.

That was part of my lecture, can'tsupinate.

It made me feel sick bla bla. Pointless, harmful and not very pleasurable blardy blar.

I could see by that point ds had tuned out.

see i'm going to tell the kids how fabulous it is.... they'll refuse to touch it purely on the grounds that their embarrassing mom smokesd it

I lied my arse off to all three of my teen girls (around 13), then when they got a bit older i told the truth - i thought they could handle it better and i didnt want to be seen to condone it iyswim, I think they will do what seems right to them anyway though.

My children have seen me drink alcohol - they have even seen me (on two or three occasions) slightly drunk.

They also know that I have smoked cannabis - what would be the point in lying?

I hope they ask DH who can truthfully say no.

I'm so rubbish at lying.

through experience - i would have lied

Damnit, Slambang, that wasn't what I wanted to hear.

Can our kids can ever learn to do something we did but found to be stupid in retrospect, or do they have to learn everything the hard way?

My mum went for Yes, but also a long emotional discussion (at a different time, so when I wasn't prepared with a smart arse reply!) about friends of hers who started off taking cannabis - as to be honest, most teens do - and some of her friends moved onto harder stuff, some of them came off it and grew up and lived normal adult lives, but some of them died or ended up wasters (Actually looking back she said she "lost" too many good friends through drug use, so it was probab;y implied that more of them died than actually did, if that makes sense) Either way, I could see that she had really been affected by it. She always said that she wouldn't ban me from doing anything, but she would be really upset if I got into drugs, and I took that to heart I think.

Fast forward to me being 17/18 and having the opportunity to try drugs for the first time really. I smoked weed a few times and actively sought it out a couple of times. Then one night took some cocaine and at the time, thought it was brilliant, but over the next few days/weeks kept scaring myself thinking how stupid I'd been and what risky situations I'd put myself in. (I had unprotected sex with my ex, and accepted a lift home from a stranger who was twice my age and wanted a 3some but his girlfriend said no ) I just started thinking how upset my mum would be if she found out and felt guilty about it (as well as scared at myself, because I had felt pretty in control at the time, just felt drunk and a bit wired, but looking back on it later I was really shocked at what I had done). It also had knock on effects to my relationship with my best friend - she hadn't wanted to do drugs, but because I had been doing them with her boyfriend she felt she had to in order to stop him seeing me as more attractive (which was silly anyway, but still) - she ended up getting into drugs and as far as I know is still into them - we haven't spoken in 4 years.

So due to my own experiences I would not take drugs again. It's just too risky. And especially not now I have DS, but I'll be telling him these things (perhaps leaving the sex details out!) when he is old enough to be asking questions, because all I can give him is the benefit of my experience, I can't stop him from trying drugs if he wants to. I just hope that if he does, he only tries it once!

I thought I could lie with the best of them but obviously not.

Seeker - I think I felt the point of (trying to) lie was that it is very hard to set an example when you clearly didn't act that way yourself. Also a lot of evidence points to kids following their parents example particularly with smoking (so I'm assuming that it folllows with smoking other stuff too.) I can no longer take any moral high ground with ds - you've got to be idiotic to try that etc. I will always hear 'well you did so you can't tell me...

Darnit, I meant ever learn to not do something we did in our stupid past. I think it's my bedtime...

It must be possible to say we tried something but it's so nasty we don't think they should even consider it.

But surely, if you say they haven't, they will say "Well, if you haven't tried it, you don't know anything about it, do you?"

Bertie - your mum's approach did sound like it had the effect she wanted in the end, even if you did have a few close shaves on the way. She sounds pretty sensible to me. I hope I can have that effect on ds

Good point seeker.
Yes, I think they will actually do whatever they are going to do whatever we say. But I suppose I hope that ds will somewhere deep down develop more common sense than I ever had and that depends on him having a fairly good role model to follow. I feel that I've gone and bust the good role model he had now/

I personally think cannabis is far less harmful than alcohol so won't lie to my DC and tell them it's so awful. I will stress that any substance, when abused or used to such excess that it interferes with their life or their goals, is very harmful.

No, a good role model is someone who can learn from their experiences and be comfortable with their past. You don't have to be perfect!

It is really no use telling them that cannabis is awful and hideous and will ruin their lives because this is just not true. And they will discover, probably, from personal experience that it is not true, and might then think "Well, they told me lies about cannabis, why should I believe what they told me about heroin?"

I think it is worth pointing out to them that it's different now. Stronger and more harmful than the milder stuff we smoked.

YY, what seeker said - you don't have to have done everything "right" to be a good role model. In fact making mistakes probably makes you a more convincing role model - nobody looks up to someone who's perfect without trying. I think we tend to have more respect for someone who has pulled themselves out of a bad situation, whether they created that situation or not.

Also agree that taking the hard line saying something is much more dangerous than it is commonly percieved to be is a bad idea because it can lead people not to take you seriously. Like we were always told at school "If you take drugs, you will die!" but if you know loads of people who take drugs and are fine, then you're not going to take any of it seriously.

Better to be honest and say "This is what I have experiencedc" and let them make a reasoned judgement. I actually think that with drugs the main risks are not the most scary sounding ones. Probably the biggest risk with drugs is that you'll start seeing the drugs as more important than anything else and that can have devestating consequences.

I think I'll say:

Yes, & I didn't enjoy it, despite persevering for years because my mates were stoners (I was more of a speed fan - might gloss over that a bit!).

I'd also say that I knew loads of people who took drugs when we were in our late teens - a few who had their lives spectacularly de-railed as a result, a majority who just don't bother any more, & a few who still have the occasional spliff. So OK, it probably doesn't do most people any lasting damage, but it's still risky.

& then I'd point out that a lot of the stuff around now is waaaay stronger than was available to me, & there's evidence that it does your long term mental health no good at all.

Oh, & I'd mention my mate who, at 25, had his dream job lined up in the States - & was deported after arrival at Miami Airport because an 8 year old conviction for possession came to light.

Also, it has social associations now amongst many teenagers which are negative. When I smoked my first joint, it was seen as a cool, rebellious, 'alternative' thing to do - these days, it's regarded with amused contempt by a lot of kids - definitely for 'losers'.

Overall, I wouldn't lie - the reality is that every teenager in the country is going to be offered cannabis at some point, & 'my mum says it's crap' is going to be just as effective a deterrent as 'my mum would be horrified, she's never touched the stuff' -

• ie. not very.

I would honestly suggest you ask ds to take a good look at the kids at his school who are very much into their weed - he'll know who they are - there'll be a group of them in year 11.

Are they the academic high flyers? Are they running the sports teams? School orchestra? Starting their own bands? (Yes, possibly, but are they any good?)

When was the last time he saw one of them do something for someone else?

I really, really dislike cannabis.

Never thought I'd say that 20 years ago, when I just thought it made people boring - these days I see it destroy so much potential in young people.

I agree with ravenAK

I would feel very uneasy about lying to my children about any issue really. If we don't want our children to lie to us, then why lie to them?

And at a slight tangent, this is one reason why I really dislike smoking. I wouldn't want my children to do it; therefore I wouldn't want to role model it to them, but tell them not to do it. There is nothing more guaranteed to turn a teenager against you than hypocrisy. If you have smoked the occasional spliff in the past, or used to have a sneaky fag as a teen yourself, then at least you are able to be honest about it and its clear you prefer not to because you can see the negative consequences. If you still do it, then what can you say to your child, without looking like a bit of a knob. Ditto with drinking to excess.

So what if you smoked cannabis, and liked it. And had an entirely positive experience. Then gave it up easily and without regret when you reached a stage in life which was no longer compatible with being stoned?

I have told my dd this - because it's true, and because I try not to lie to her. And because teenagers are not stupid - they see people whose lives have been ruined by drugs and alcohol, but they also see people who enjoy both on occasion and who have happy and fulfilled lives.

It is no point telling them that drugs are wicked and evil and will kill them - because it's not true.

I agree seeker, but my mother's frank tale of how she didn't marry her first love because he became addicted to hard drugs and lost his leg on their hippy trail always influenced me to veer towards the moderate side of things when I encountered drugs. Teenagers don't always have the life experience to know exactly what might happen if they do more than dabble.

Agree with Paisleyleaf, what's out there now has changed from what was out there in the 70s / early 80s.

I told my DS the truth, I tried it a few times but on entering a profession that you would have been banned from for any type of drug taking I did not think it was worth the risk.

Also, worth talking about the danger of trying drugs while they are still growing / developing. Psychiatric hospitals are full of users / ex users, but how much of their illness is started by the drugs or whether they were trying to self-medicate we will never know.

If they still think drugs are cool, take them to a pharmacy when people are waiting for their methadone!

I smoked the odd joint when I was a teenager but this was in the seventies. I'm no expert but from what I read the stuff that's around now is much stronger and more potent. I also feel I had a lucky escape in that it never went any further.
I can't decide whether this argument would hold sway with my sons. There's always a danger that we shoot ourselves in the foot by comparing what we did in our day. ( The exams were harder etc.)

I did lie to the children about ever smoking cigarettes and was outed by my mum so that didn't go down well.

I would have lied through my teeth when DS1 was 13, I admitted to it recently though (we were watching Trainspotting together) but he is now nearly 17 and seriously into going to the gym, playing rugby etc. and is more horrified by the idea of the tobacco rather than the dope!

I really don't think "just say no" is a realistic stance to take if you want to keep any kind of an open relationship, but it is really hard judging the right time to give your teens what could turn into ammo against you!