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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

So shocked and upset and worried

22 replies

kansasmum · 11/06/2010 08:22

I have written and deleted this several times- I actually can barely bring myself to admit what dd has done.....

I got a call from school yesterday from PE teacher to say there had been a lot of gossip and she felt she had to deal with it so she confronted dd. Apparently dd has sent a boy a picture from her phone of her in her underwear.

When confronted dd was really upset and tearful and the teacher spent long time talking to her about her and self image etc. She confiscated the phone and I have to go get it today. The teacher informed me that apparently this is fairly common in teens- this just shocked me more.

I spoke to dd about it and have removed her computer privileges apart from supervised homework usage, removed her phone and grounded her. I also spoke to her about self image and the image you portray to other people etc.
She is 14 in 2 weeks- she just seems to be caught up in what boys think of her and thats all that matters.

I feel a complete failure as a mother and am so worried for her.

Please advise.

OP posts:

belgo · 11/06/2010 08:27

Don't feel like you are a failure. Unfortunately the teacher is right, this sort of thing is more and more common amongst teenagers.

I imagine your dd was encouraged to do this by her friends.

You are right to take away her phone and computer privileges and take to her about the consequences of her actions.

Original poster

kansasmum · 11/06/2010 08:29

She was encouraged but also one of her friends did tell her NOT to do it. She isn't the only one in her group of her friends to have done this (doesn't make it any better though)

Thank you for your reply.

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 11/06/2010 08:34

I don't have any advice but wanted to say you have not failed as a mother!

Her actions haven't been ideal but I would think with the media we have these days it's not that suprising either?

Your dd has shown an interest in boys as is quite normal for her age, she has gone a bit far but now it has been explained to her and the embarrassment I would think she wouldn't do that again?

I would be upset too but this isn't your fault and I think you have handled it well.

cory · 11/06/2010 08:34

Well, the good news is, this gives her and you a chance to talk over things like peer pressure and making your own risks assessments in the face of peer pressure. Point out to her in a calm sensible manner the many ways in which this kind of thing could go wrong, remind her that one of her friends did have the sense and cared enough about her to speak out, encourage her to want to emulate that friend. It won't be the last time she is put under pressure to do something utterly silly and you can help to give her the tools to deal with it.

sharbieinbackofthequattro · 11/06/2010 08:36

Surely every teenager does stupid things once in a while - don't feel too bad about it.
It could be a lot worse.

sarah293 · 11/06/2010 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Bonsoir · 11/06/2010 08:38

Please relax. It really isn't that dreadful. What harm has been done?

Remember - there are nice teenage girls from loving homes of your DD's age who are pregnant... in long-term psychiatric care for anorexia, bulimia, self-harming... who take drugs...

waitingforbedtime · 11/06/2010 08:42

Youre not a failure as a mother and she's not a particularly wayward teen.

I second what the others have said but another thing I tink is important is not to demonise her as a bad kid. Its all too easy I think for that to happen. My parents are great but still bring up how drunk I got on my 18th which is pretty much the only awful thing I did. It made me feel at the time like Id ruined years of good behaviour and hard work at school etc and I couldnt be arsed trying to get their approval after that iyswim?

Just dont keep bringing it up for years. Im sure the embarrassment factor is a terrible punishment in itself tbh, though obviously, yes, you have to punish her too.

Original poster

kansasmum · 11/06/2010 09:00

Waitingforbed- this is my dh- he seems to be writing her off as a teen gone off the rails. he is really angry but hasn't spoken to ehr about it at all. He is embarassed and ashamed he said. My reply was 'how do you think dd feels"!!

Thank you for your replies- I really hope my talk has got through to her. I will maybe take some time this w/e to spend with her and just talk in general about getting through the teen years and peer pressure.

Blimey when I was her age the only thing I was worried about was my parents finding out I had KISSED a boy (I went to an all girls school- boys were forbidden fruit!!)- how the world has changed!

OP posts:

violetqueen · 11/06/2010 20:35

Oh ,give her a hug - bet she's beside herself !

Chatelaine · 12/06/2010 14:22

All good advice here. Your daughter must be writhing in embarassment but that will serve a purpose. It will settle in her mind without having to keep on about it. Sounds to me the teacher did her job; I do think mobile phones should be banned in school. (not that this would have prevented your daughter) but they are such a distraction. Hope she ejoys her sports, and develops a good body image from being active and busy! Let her know how relieved you and your husband are (hence your reaction) that nothing bad happened to her as a result. Reassure her she is not alone in making this mistake, and that she is lucky no damage was done, plenty of examples of this sort of thing leading to terrible abuse and exploitation; that her body is for herself alone at this time of life, that she should be proud of it, and that keeps her free to develop as a person. All very difficult to navigate this stage, but finding some role models that you find acceptable is a good idea.

thesecondcoming · 12/06/2010 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vouvrey · 12/06/2010 15:22

I thought it was going to be something really bad!

I remember at that age people passing suggestive notes around class re: blow jobs and sexual positions.

Teenagers live in such a sexualised world now that it is no wonder she would think an underwear shot would be a good way of snaring a boy.

Missus84 · 12/06/2010 15:27

Really, it's not that terrible! Poor girl is probably mortified and has definitely learned her lesson.

dwpanxt · 12/06/2010 15:53

A hug and some quiet time together with little or no reference to what has happened will go down well I think.Just let her know she is loved and secure within the family.

She is not the devil personified -she is a little girl who has done some grown up stuff at the wrong time. She will be mortified and so scared of what will happen to her as a result of this.

Please dont let this ruin your relationship with her.She will need you in the coming years and needs to know you are on her side.

Best of luck

Northernlurker · 12/06/2010 16:08

It is so hard being a mum isn't it? My oldest is 12 and I think this is so much harder than any stage before - the stakes seem so much higher.
I agree with everybody else - try not to react too much and be very clear with her that you love her. Tell your dh to get a grip as well.

I'm impressed with the teacher btw - sounds like she's handled this well. If you agree do try and tell her that at some point because she will have hated having to ring you and a little encouragement would be welcome I bet.

DinahRod · 12/06/2010 16:12

The embarrassment of you, her teachers and other pupils knowing will probably be lesson enough. Her Dad being disappointed is also quite salutary - he won't need to say anything, although at a later date he might want to give her the teenage boy perspective!

In reality it's no worse than a photo of her in a bikini.

But a chat and a hug about why the PE teacher and you were concerned. And maybe worth telling her how quickly the whole school could end up seeing the photo (something perhaps she hadn't realised?)

But when I saw your title, was imagining far worse!

thesecondcoming · 12/06/2010 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

trefusis · 12/06/2010 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

kansasmum · 13/06/2010 07:41

I have calmed down now! Dd and I have been spending quite a lot of time together and we have had a chat about things.

I am still with-holding her phone and computer privileges.

I think she understands the issue now and why I was concerned.

I have said to dh that he must NOT write her off and must refrain from constantly bringing it up- she feels embarrassed enough.

We are supposed to be going to Thorpe Park for her birthday but dh is all for cancelling that which `i feel is unfair- she made a mistake and has apologised- dh said 'well she hasn't said sorry to me'- well that would be because he has avoided talking to her at all!!!

I will get him to see sense on that though!

Over the next few days I will be discussing better role models with her too.

Why is it young teens seem to think Katie Price is so fabulous??! I just don't get it! (I must be getting old!)

OP posts:

Chatelaine · 13/06/2010 14:25

You sound lovely & very reasoned. It has been a shock for you as parents, and should not be diminished imo. You will grow as a family from this experience and become more aware. I can understand your husbands initial feelings, it is a knee jerk reaction/his little girl/sexuality...lots to grapple with suddenly, so his understanding (education/growth) is something worth investing in for the future.

zerominuszero · 13/06/2010 16:07

Canceling Thorpe Park would be a little harsh, I think. Also, the point is that you don't want to push her away from you with punishments, you want to bring her closer so that she feels she can talk to you and so on.

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