New boyfriend too old?

[UnsureAndMore]

I have a 16 year old DD - 17 in October. Mature for her age, but still a pain in the rear lots, so very much a teen.

She has met a young man thru friends who is just turned 22.

It just feels too old, why would a 22 year old MAN want to be with a 16 year old GIRL?

However, I have known his parents since I was her age, lovely couple, I am sure he is as lovely and kind as she says he is.

But does this make a difference?!

I am so confused. She is treating me with a lot of disprect WRT coming in times and the like at the moment too as she is in the early stages of starting to spend time together without being a couple (bloody hell its not simple as it was 25 years ago!) and obviously wants to be with him as much as possible.

I tore a large strip off her an hour ago for being an hour late home which is why I am sitting here now wondering how to deal with it if to do anything, unable to sleep because I am so wound up!!!

I had a 23 yo boyfriend when I was 17. He wanted the obvious, among other things (i.s an adult relationship - as opposed to a quickie behind the local nightclub as all the 17 yo boys wanted ).

My mum hated it. She went on and on about how it was wrong, he was wrong, it would never work etc. I got fed up and moved in with him.

Just support her. It is all you can do. She is technically an adult now. She could leave home if she wanted to.

My 16 year old DD had boyfriends her own age that were an absolute pain. Then she met her current DP who was 24. I wasn't happy but it was the best thing that could've happened. He treated her well, looked after her. They have been together 7 years and are marrying this year. I do think girls are more mature and in reality they were a good match age wise.

Thanks for that, its exactly what I want to avoid, I can see the grey areas.....unlike DH

I have spoken to her about how odd some might find it and she said "with anyone else it would be, but he is different" and knowing his family, I know what she means. If that makes sense.

Trying to get to meet him as last time I saw his um to speak to she was pg with him but my parents knew his parents etc and he knows my dad well through a sport they both play.

Its all very intertwined, now I look at it! Maybe he will be good for her?!

Lynli thats a really good story and warms my heart! She has had a couple of loser 17/18 year olds, but I guess I am very wary of all this as she had a pg scare last year which was a complete shock and shook us both up a lot. She knows I am protective of her as a result.

difficult one.... can fully understand where you are coming from but I also remember being 16...... if you "ban" the relationship, you will make it so much more attractive for her, and she's very unlikely to choose you, if you force her to make a choice. This might well be the start of a match made in heaven, so don't assume it will all end in tears. On the other hand be realistic.... a friend of mine insisted that her 16 year old wasn't having a sexual relationship with her 20-something year old partner of 2 years (sorry, but that was highly unlikely)... and there is now a grandchild to prove the point. Accept you can't force an end to the relationship, whateever your misgivings; offer practical advice about contraception; and be there to pick up the pieces should it all go pear-shaped. Easy to say, I know, would hate to be in the same position with my DD but hope someone will write the same stuff if it comes to that, no other options really IMHO.

Completely agree ISU - I have not even mentioned her not seeing him, or banning it or whatever. I have said she needs to think about the situation, but as I have said above, and she confirms, he is a really nice guy....

I am trying to persuade her to bring him in sometime, so we can meet him and get a feel for him. Well, ME as DH is the original non-speaking-man .

I think now is the time to organise contraception. Last year's mess put her off for life, but I would rather she was prepared, so that can be tomorrows chat! ! !

Thanks again for replies so far, they all kind of confirm my gut instinct.

unsure, you sound like a fab, fab Mum..... really hard to accept our little girls are growing up... but best to equip her for both practical and emotional eventualities, no matter whether you agree with her choices or not, and then provide support when needed. God, i know I wouldn't be able to do the above easily when my DD is that age, but know it is probably the only sensible approach and hope someone will say same stuff to me when the time comes

AH thank you! Thats really kind of you to say, its been a hard slog, but I think we are getting there.

I am 22 and I live in a student flat with 4 22 year old males. I would think it very strange if any one of them had a girlfriend who was 16. Why would a man want to go out with a child?

i had a 22 year old BF when i was 16. at the time i thought it was great, and yes he did want to do things i just wasn't ready for which was why i ended it. my mum never said so but she was probably hating every minute of it. i think the best way to deal with it is to let it runs it's course and be there for her if she needs to talk anything through with you. i know if my mum had been openly against it i would probably have stayed with him longer and done things i would regret. when i look back now (i am 23) i wonder what the hell was wrong with him, wanting to go out with a girl so young.

Well.

When I was 16, I had a boyfriend of 17, who was lovely, but essentially not enough for me. No ambition, not too bright, very 'comfortable' in our small town.

We split up after about 18 months.

A few months later, when I was 18 (not the same as 16, I know, but not so very different), I started seeing a 33 year old man. My parents were horrified, I moved out, much aggro and angst.

6 years later, I'm still with that man, who has been an absolute rock to me. We're extremely happy and still in love and planning our future together.

I was 16 and had a BF who was 27. I'm 32 now and we've been married 10 years

I fell out with my family over it and we barely spoke until I had my kids 5 years ago - try not to go off on one, you'll only drive her away, and if it does go wrong she'll need you to be there for her.

I think you should try to focus on the practicalities - making sure she is dealing with contraception/STDs, setting sensible rules about what time you expect her back, and needing her to phone if she's delayed, also setting rules to make sure she is still giving proper attention to school/college/work.

But not treating the relationship as a problem in itself, even if you're not comfortable with it - he'll prove you right or wrong soon enough, and then you'll either have a nice son-in-law or you'll be there to help her pick up the pieces.

Thanks again all - Muffin - I think there is a difference between a house full of 22 year old students and a 22 year old who lives back at home because his father died suddenly recently and his mum has breast cancer and he is an only, so is bascially looking out for her, though.

He seems like a genuinely nice guy, young for his age, I would have assumed 18, not 22, and contraception etc has been discussed, had been already but DD hadn't put anything in place. However, they are not sleeping together yet (she had a bad first experience last year so we do have a very open relationship WRT that thank goodness).

I am letting it run its course. She has already made noises like "he is a bit moody" and "he is abit nerdy" and "bit boring" so I think its all a bit typical young girl likes to get out of the house and the fact the is kind and has a car helps .

Not worried now I have met him a few times and seen his mum to talk to (we work in same organisation) and they seem to spend a fair amount of time with her watching movies, never up in his room so....we shall see!

Thanks for all the views