teenage daughter's boyfriend trouble

[Cobbstar]

Hi Mums - hope you can advise me. Have 2 lovely girls never been any trouble and always been able to talk about anything, but now eldest has boy trouble.She fell head-over heels last year aged 16 wth very nice boy and they seemed destined to be together.
Then without any warning b/f finished with DD just after her 17th b/day. She took it really badly and was awful to see my girl so heartbroken and crushed.She has taken a long time to find her confidence again and has become friendly with another boy but now first b/f has started txt and e-mailing her again and I don't know what to advise her for the best.She is stronger now than when he dumped her and she says she won't let him hurt her again and he seems genuinely sorry,but it was me who had to listen to her sobbing night after night, encourage her to eat and get out again and I don't want her hurt again.Do I stand back and let her make her own decision or do I say I don't trust him not to do this again.

Difficult one. And really - it is not up to you. I would point out to her that he seems keen again now that she is or may be interested in someone else.

If I were her I would make first guy wait a bit before showing any interest.

And yes you have to let her make her own decision.

There's not much you can do really except be there for her if things go wrong. If she really wants to give this boyfriend a second chance then just gently remind her how hard it was for you to see her upset and that she needs to be sure she could go through it again if the same thing happened.
It is hard, I try not to interfere too much, my dd did a really silly thing earlier this year and it gave her a big shock, she seems to be avoiding boys for a while thank goodness.

absolutely stand back and let her make her own decision - because she will, anyway. If she wants to be with him, she will be with him regardless of what you say!

Your only thankless task role is to be there to pick up the pieces, I'm afraid.....

"they seemed destined to be together"

don't you think you are taking it all a bit seriously?

she's 16, having big dramas about boys is part of life.

from you she would be better hearing that it doesn't matter much what she chooses as there are more important things in life than boyfriends.

Well when I say destined it's because they have been friends since primary school and also his Mum and I are very good friends - so it seemed a natural thing for them to get together, they had/have a lot in common and she was totally in awe of him. With hindsight,yes, at 16 she was far too young to fall so deeply and quickly for this boy, but beleive me at 16 you think you are the only one to feel like this - and no amount of me telling her to slow things down was ever going to work. Thanks for advice, hard tho it is to let go I am letting her make her own decision over him.

It isn't as if he had actually done something horrible or abusive to her, is it? At that time, he wasn't sure that he really loved her- surely that doesn't make him an untrustworthy person? He didn't (as far as your post reveals) two-time her or anything like that. He may or may not be more committed now, you really can't know.

fwiw dh dumped me when I was in my teens, but he did it openly and honestly: the measure of my upset (which was great) was not a measure of his wickedness in no longer loving me.

We got back together later and he has certainly never proved untrustworthy. BUt then I never thought breaking up a relationship was untrustworthy in the first place, however upsetting it was for me.

My brother went through endless teen dramas, of having his heart broken every few months. He was massively upset every time. That doesn't actually make all those girls monsters- in fact, I believe it was his intensity and propensity to commit very deeply very quickly that frightened them. A little lightheartedness makes love easier.

Cobbstar
From my experience with dd, whatever you say, and however much she says she agrees with you, she will end up doing whatever her heart (most certainly not her head!) leads her to.
After 'cheating' on dd, her ex bf was suddenly very interested with a couple of other boys were becoming close to her, and led her on badly.
Something happened which made her realise that he is a dishonourable person, and she cut links then. It had to be her decision - all I could do was watch, comfort and wait - and pray!!!
Hope it works out with your dd.

My 16 year old dd1 split from her dream boyfriend for two weeks then got back together. Dh and I were concerned, as the split was 'difficult', and don't want her to be hurt again (for the time being . My ds, who is 18, is being a real pain - he hasn't spoken to his sister for weeks, she has announced that she no longer wants to live here, doors have been crashed. He has a list of items which he is going to reveal at a family meeting. How do I convince him that dd1 is 16, and romantic drama is an occupational hazard?

Why is your 18 yr old son so concerned about his little sister's love life?

My ds is studying for exams, and I think he is deflecting his stress in a way. He can't control the questions that will come up, but he can make his sister's life a misery . (On the main topic, I agree with the general concensus, that you have to butt out of the love lives of teenagers as far as possible. If only I could convince ds).