Help! My teen hates her dad

[ElleA]

Hi. Can anyone give me any advice on how to deal with the the situation between my 14 yr old daughter and her dad? We've been divorced for 3 years and a month ago my ex had a huge row with our daughter about her attitude. It all got out of hand and he was shouting his head off at her, then at me. He then got so mad at her he hit her so I went mad and told him to get out and I haven't seen him since. She obviously never wants to see him again. He still see's my younger daughter who's 11 but wants me to help sort this out and make amends with her but she won't listen. Thing is he doesn't give me money for them as he's unemployed and she doesn't respect him as when she used to spend time with him it was boring as he had no money etc and never did much. How can I sort this out? Would appreciate any advice. Thanks

You can influence her but only a limited amount. You can tell her that you feel her dad should be given a chance to sort it out with her, but if she won't listen then there's not a lot you can do.
If you feel he had a valid point about her attitude (despite his poor handling of the situation) then tell her so.
The work to repair their relationship needs to begin with him. If you have always played peacemaker, then it's time for you to step back a little. Your ex brought this situation about, and it is for him to takes steps to resolve it.
Don't get drawn into their argument!

Agree with MND. It's not for you to help him, I'd suggest they have a meeting in a neutral location, Starbucks or somewhere and see if they can sort it out between themselves.

Thanks for replying. I agree it should be up to him to sort this out. During a text conversation I had with him recently he admitted he's scared of her, even though she's not that bad. I guess he finds it hard to deal with her hormonal moods etc.

my 15-yr-old also behaves like she hates her dad although our situation isn't the same as we live together. But the lack of respect is there - she is basically smarter than him academically and despises his low-paid job even though he's doing this as a result of being her primary carer while I work full time and often travel for work. Perhaps this is the unmentioned flip side of working mums - there always seems to have to be a hero and an underdog..
The way I try and deal with it (and it has been getting slightly better over the last couple of weeks) is not to get involved directly but to talk about the reasons why I love and respect her dad, funny stories about things he has done for me and when she was a baby and her dad looked after her every day. She hasn't said anything but I think she's storing away the view that perhaps he isn't such an idiot. I've also asked him not to keep talking about when he was a kid and what his dad would have done to him if he'd spoken to him like she does. I've tried to explain that a teenage boy is a different species to a teenage girl.
I find these years harder than the baby years so I really feel for you.

It's important that you validate your dd's anger at her dad for the shouting and the hitting.

She needs to know that it's ok to be angry at him. You did great by throwing him out when he hit her.

I agree with what the others have said, this is not your job to resolve. If you are going to get involved at all, you should perhaps suggest to him that he writes her a letter (if she won't see him) apologising for the hitting and shouting.

Then perhaps they can move on.