Unhappy 16 year old - please advise me

[TheFutureMrsClooney]

Regular but name-changed because I?ve previously identified DD?s school. Hope someone can help me with her.

She?s 16 and seems to be going through a really tough time and for the first time in her life won?t discuss it with me in any depth.

She has been unhappy at school for some time but is in the last month before she does GCSEs and leaves to go to college ? she seems to be almost holding her breath until it?s over. It?s an all girls school and is very bitchy and cliquey. She had an unexplained illness two years ago and missed a whole term. Since then she has had a few friends, no one close, and they always seem to lose interest in her very quickly. She?s more of an outdoor type than a clubbing and drinking girl and this hasn?t helped. They arrange things like parties for the whole class and don?t invite her. She?s very much her own person and will stand her ground. She seems to get on very well with much older kids and adults.

I suppose I?m most worried that she rarely leaves her room. She will come out for meals and for her part-time job but would prefer to stay in bed all day. She is often still in her pjs when I get home from work. She watches endless DVDs and spends hours on Facebook. She tries to make arrangements to see people but they invariably don?t turn up or cancel at the last minute.

She mentioned to me another website she goes on called formspring.me. I checked it out and it?s vile. Kids register and people leave anonymous questions. Her page has loads of abuse along the lines of ?you?re ugly, everyone hates you, f* off and die? etc. I?ve told her to de-register but she keeps saying it doesn?t bother her.

I?m really worried ? any advice much appreciated. I?ve approached the school before but they don?t seem bothered. Is she too old for me to use parental controls? She flares up and yells when I?ve suggested we need to limit time on the laptop. Just don?t know what to do any more ? we?ve always been really close and I accept that she needs to separate from me but I desperately want to help.

Sorry, very long.

What a great mum you are just being there for her. She obviously needs her own space right now but is this because she's depressed? She may have made arrangements and cancelled them herself but made it seem like it was the other person who stopped the meet. When people are clinically depressed, they can't cope with the world around them and crave being left alone. Also friends of that age can't be doing with the 'flatness'of a person who isn't 'jolly' and will drift away. The nasty website seems to be reinforcing her opinion of herself, kind of a way of punishing herself? She will find her way through this but may need clinical support either with counselling and/or medication. Does she eat well? You said she is an outdoor type...do you walk and talk together? Can you speak to one of her trusted friends or maybe their parent to find out any more info. You can only do your best and give your unconditional love and support. Good luck.

Thanks Allbie

She eats a huge amount but is very underweight (her father is the same, so it's not a cause for concern).

She seems to be craving company to the point that she almost stalks people online and their were comments about that on formspring as well. It's almost as if someone she has trusted has turned on her.

I've tried to contact one mum this week who is also a friend of mine but she's away this week. Will try to call her daughter later as she is about the only one to have maintained contact.

The website is truly vile - it's the first time I've ever felt their should be censorship of the web.

I will try talking to her about counselling.

Oh poor you... what a worry. I have two DDs slightly older and I know what it's like.

I really wouldn't put big restrictions on her laptop.. it will seem like a punishment from you to her, and it isn't that is it. Mobiles and laptops are a lifeline for teens and she hasn't done anything wrong.

She needs to know you are there for her, whatever. Why not have a mum/daughter day... maybe lunch out, shopping or beauty treatment type of thing. It will be a step out of anything she is going through and she will know you are there whatever happens.

Also, its not long until she leaves the bitchy school and I bet you this will pass and she will make some new friends at college, because college is so different. I feel for you.

Thanks again

I've taken a few odd days off work and taken her shopping, out for lunch etc and she's fine when we're doing stuff together, albeit slightly embarrassed that she has to rely on her mum for a social life Our close relationship used to be a bit of a stick for girls at school to beat her with but was always something she was proud of.

I know what you mean about restricting the laptop seeming like a punishment, but she's still using it and her phone at 1am. She seems exhausted all the time even though she's always in bed.

I'm really hoping college lives up to her expectations.

You mention that she gets on better with adults and older kids. Is there anyway she could get involved in some group where she'd be mixing with an older crowd. A choir, sports group or even a charity.

I feel for you because you want to make life perfect for her, and can't. That's so hard to accept I find.

Hopefully a new start in a new place will help her. Hopefully she will keep up with her studies because that's the key to so much opportunities.

I can understand that she would be embarrassed at having Mum for her social life but it goes like that sometimes and in no time she will hopefully discard you like an old sock! And what a lovely DD you have to be proud of the relationship with her, and sod the rest.

1am does seem too late, yes. I wish there was an answer cos both mine have done this sort of thing and I do know that ranting and raving about it doesn't work (I did that TOO much!) Maybe, appealing to her better nature about it... health/sleep/looking good type of thing..

I mean... what a lovely DD you have to be proud of the relationship she has with you, and sod the rest. Can't type this morning!

Yes, she is lovely, I have a younger one too and they are both fantastic. I've appealed to her vanity about the sleep issue but apparently I'm wrong!

Pot - she mixes with older ones in her new job and I'm hoping that might lead to more of a social life. She's also very good with little ones and is hoping to train as an instructor once GCSEs are over so she can help out at clubs over the summer.

We'll get through this, I hope.

personally I would use parental controls, staying up all night and going on that site are not helpful. Teenagers sleep differently to adults, (a good book to read below) but that doesn't mean they should be encouraged to do damaging things when awake. Blame my brain

Kids with low self-esteem seem to seek out opportunities to reinforce that belief. Your job is to tell them that they are valuable and that its the other, less mature, 16 year olds that are the problem. Encourage her to do things with people who will aprreciate her more mature attitude.

Is there a DofE group in your area? There is often a group that runs independently of local schools. Some outdoor activity would help her mood.

Thanks Tatt, she's doing the DofE with scouts (almost all male so a nicer environment than school).

I feel for you.

Some thoughts:

is the college course the right one for her?

don't worry too much that she needs to let go of you...it's normal to some extent.

Bloody Facebook and the like are a pain but it's very, very difficult to restrict it.

girls (especially at all-girls schools) can be extremely bitchy. Friends of ours paid a fortune for a private school for their DD, who was constantly bullied etc. She then went to the local sixth-form state college in the centre of town where she made good friends and is much happier.

Does she have other hobbies and interests? What can you do to encourage those?

What will she do in the summer hols?

Can you offer to pay for her and this other friend to travel somewhere on their own? To visit relatives somewhere or even abroad. Make it a reward for passing her exams. Just for a week or something?

Give her some independence which will in turn give her some confidence.

Will she get a holiday job?
Can she do a summer course?

Does her college course inspire her - is she looking forward to it? If not, check out what alternatives there are - there is so much you can find out on the net now.

Get her to look beyond today, tomorrow and the bitchiness...do everything you can to give her confidence and something to look forward to.

And remember confidence (self-esteem) doesn't only come from your parents telling you how great you are...it comes from new challenges that excite you. If you can find some of those for her you might just help her turn the corner.

You sound like you have a fab relationship (hope mine with dd will be like this)

Just a couple of questions; Have you managed to change your way of discussing things with her to more adult:adult way? ASking her questions rather than telling her what you want her to do? Some of the stuff you mention sounds quite normal to me tbh. Agree re getting her to meet others is there a hobby/activity she's like? Confidence building is probably going to be the best thing to focus on till she starts college so she can get off to a flying start there and make new friends etc.

The comments on the website is cyber bullying could it be the girls from school?

If she won't talk to you is there someone else you can think of, relative, family friend, trusted friend of hers?

get her of fomrspring, it is vile, I saw some of the stuff posted about ds(he wasn't bothered) it is just horrid there,

ds had a rough time at school, he was much ahppier once he moved to college, hope the same happens for your dd

I went through a similar thing at that age and it did really knock my self esteem. I know exactly what you mean by 'holding her breath' and waiting until it over and she can leave the school. I felt exactly the same.

A part of me did realise that the bullies were wrong and that I was better than they wanted me to belive, but it did have a lasting impact on my ability to make friends, and moving to another school did not have quite the affect I was hoping as a new set of bullies picked up on my low self esteem.

However, I do think it is possible for your daughter to get through this and to put it behind her. I am now a confident, happy, sociable and popular person.

What helped me throught the difficult times was having something outside school that I knew I was good at and which also gave me an alternate social group. Is there something like this for your daughter?

Also, I think it would have been helpful to me to have had some sort of recourse to counselling. Could you investigate this for your daughter? Let her know that it is not because you think that there is anything wrong with her, but that she has been through a really tough time and could use someone to work with to validate her own feeling of self worth and to confirm that the bullies are wrong and childish. It could also help her to learn some techniques for overturning the mind games that the bullies use. A trauma therapist may be the sort of help she needs.

Let her know that the playground attitude does not continue into adulthood and that she will be able to put this behind her.

Thanks all - I'm at work so taking a while to reply to all your ideas.

Briefly, she has big plans for the summer - earning lots of money and doing some sailing instruction. I'd happily foot the bill for a festival or trip somewhere if she can find someone to go with. She's very responsible and mature so no issues there.

She's determined to do 5 AS levels at college. She has chosen the subjects and is very excited about them. She will have to drop one by Christmas but I think that's a good thing.

I'm not convinced she has self-esteem issues - I think some of the problems she has with other girls is that she is confident enough to be different and not conform - she stands up for what she believes in. Teachers seem to love her. She is slightly in her sister's shadow over looks (she is stunning but in a much more conventional way) and I know that winds her up, particularly when boys she know are interested in DD2.

I think I will have to join her and hold my breath too - we've got the school prom and after GCSE parties to get through which she's convinced are going to be wonderful. On past experience I think she won't even be told where the parties are

my own daughter went through this a few years ago. I wish I had read Queen Bees and Wannabees at the time as it suggests some strategies, mainly picking off the bullies one by one and challenging them. It's hotter on identifying the reasons for the problem than on action but at least has the message that the problem tends to be a few sick kids and the rest are hangers on.

We focused on activities outside school with different people, especially groups with different ages. What about a new sport or something like badminton if there are some social and not too competitive groups? Or a martial art, they are good for building confidence in girls as much as boys. Lettig them stay in bed won't help but other activities will.

Tatt, I'll see if I can get the book today.

We're in a rural area full of retired people so there aren't that many activities close by. I'll talk to her and see what she'd be interested in doing - I have to admit that the staying in bed drives me insane.

I also went through this in my teens but I was a very different character. I find now I have a group of very close friends but I'm not good with big groups of women - like my daughter, I seem to be able to wind them up by my very existence!

forgot to say - my daughter has a nice bunch of friends now but arrangements often fall through at the last minute. This is especially true in rural areas where the kids have transport issues. (We operate as their taxi service sometimes). Don't let her think there is anything odd about teenage plans not working out .

Thanks Tatt, glad to hear it's worked out for your daughter. I rather go through this again myself than watch her suffer like this.

I was a bit like your DD. All girls school, bullying, illness, rural location etc.

College was the making of me. Not least because it was more representative of the real world but also because my parents completely stepped back and left me to it.

I chose to go in to college, or not. I suffered the consequences of my decisions and I worked as well. I may not have fulfilled my academic potential, but I did become a much more rounded, happier individual.

Support her but allow her boundaries to be set by the outside world: work, college, friends etc. Keep talking and listening.

That's the one thing I wish I'd had - a closer relationship with my mother. We got there in the end (about 5 years later) but she and my father were not helpful when things were tough.

Stay strong.

I hope that your daughter is able to deal with the problems better than I did and that her self confidence is not affected, but I would urge you to bear this in mind.

I too probably appeared quite self confident as I had very clear ideas of what I wanted to achieve accademically and I was not afraid to stand out and speak out from my peers.

However, I was left with a fear that there was something odd about me and that there was some reason that people did not want to be friends with me. I think that when I realised that I could have a easy and immediate effect on men because of the way I looked, I jumped at this. This led me into some pretty poor relationship deciscions in my late teens and 20s.

I hope that your daughter does not feel the same, and don't mean to worry you by bringing this up, but the one thing that I still feel my otherwise supportive parents did not do was to recognize how much I was hurt by the bullying and that it was not something that was easy to get over on my own.

I should add that I did not want my parents to worry about what I was going through as I thought it would upset them. You sound like you do have a good open dialogue with your daughter, so hopefully she will feel free to confide in you. I also think I failed to properly tell my parents how I was feeling because if I acknowledged those feelings it would validate what the bullies had done.

however confident your daughter appears underneath she is feeling bad about this. Her self-esteem is affected. My daughter was "talking" to "boys" she didn't know on the net. They were behaving like paedophiles although its hard to tell the difference between paedophiles and some teenage boys behaviour. We had to put a stop to that quickly.

Your daughter may not be doing the same things but monitoring/restricting their net use is sensible.

Just wanted to add that I had a tough time in the last few years of school and few friends but college was totally different. I was the happiest I'd ever been at college and made loads of friends. Generally the college tutors treat you more like an adult.

I hope she's a lot happier once out of school. Fwiw, a lot of her other behaviours sounds like normal teenage behaviour so try not to worry too much

Thanks everyone, sorry for my sudden disappearance from my own thread, ironically the parental controls I decided to install blocked internet access for me but no one else!

Her experience of school has been just like mine. I always swore I'd never send my DDs to an all girls school and I wish I'd stuck to my word. Just hope everything picks up at college, she's really looking forward to it.

Thanks for all your support.